Pitty party: how do I mature?

[Anonymous]

How do I become a person who is mature? I am 40; married and 2 kids; employed. Yet I feel so immature and so bad about two decisions I made in my life:

- I wish I had not moved to this country
- I wish I had not married my husband

I moved here because of him. It has been years. I feel so stupid I did it.

We don’t even have a good marriage. Mediocre at the best. We never had a proper wedding. Just a simple ceremony by the court so I could get my immigration paperwork. It is just so blah to be with him.

It was so immature of me to do it. I can’t divorce now because we have 2 kids and he would never allow me to take them to my country.

How do I become a person who has a social media page that is filled with the photos full of smiles? People go out; celebrate milestones and anniversaries; people have friends and families; people buy houses and invest etc.

We rent. Ha has zero interests in wanting to become a homeowner. Not interested in money investment. It is just so blah.

How do I mature and make my life less blah while divorce is not an option?

[Anonymous]

Maria is this you? Are you ok??
Was it a 'rich American man so all men must be like those in Hollywood movies' lust?
You have a friend in the FLOTUS. Take care.

[Anonymous]

You can divorce and stay in the country.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you feel that way, OP. Go to therapy so you can learn to be emotionally self-reliant, because whether you divorce or not, you need that skill.

How much money can you access? You can buy stocks on your own. You can buy property on your own. You can travel, see friends, do whatever the heck you damn well want, even without divorcing. You can have whatever social media page you want - that's the easiest part, really. There's nothing so easy to fake as happy married life

Is he controlling to the point where you cannot maintain your own friendships or spend reasonable amounts?

[Anonymous]

^ forgot to say, you can also have an affair. Be discreet, for the sake of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing so openly. What you’re describing — that feeling of being “stuck,” of looking at the life you built and feeling both disappointed and deeply responsible — is profoundly human. Maturity isn’t about never making mistakes; it’s about what you do after you realize you made them. You’re not immature. You’re awake now, and that’s where real maturity starts.

Let’s break this into manageable truths and action steps.

First: Redefine What Maturity Really Means

Maturity is not:
• Having a perfect marriage
• Owning a house
• Smiling for photos on Instagram

Maturity is something quieter:
• Taking responsibility for your current reality
• Making consistent, intentional choices that build a better present
• Accepting that you can’t fix the past, but you can direct the future

And by the way, the people with all those happy photos? Many of them feel what you’re feeling too. You’re not behind — you’re just in a part of the journey that most people keep quiet about.

Second: Stop Punishing Yourself for Old Decisions

You didn’t move or marry him because you were stupid. You were hopeful. You were trying to build a life. Maybe love was part of it. Maybe security was part of it. Maybe pressure, too. All of those things are very human. You chose based on who you were then.

Maturity now means:

“That version of me made those decisions. I’m not her anymore. But I respect her for trying.”

Third: Build a Life Within the Limits You’ve Got

You may not be able to leave your marriage, but you can still live a richer, more joyful life. Start building a parallel track — not in secret, but within your integrity.

Here are real, tangible things you can do:

1. Reclaim Your Identity
• What did you used to love before life got like this?
• Can you take a class? Start a creative project? Learn a skill? Travel alone, even for a weekend?
• Create something that is yours and no one else’s.

2. Build Your Own “Social Media” Moments
• Make your version of a milestone: Celebrate 6 months of sticking to a goal. Celebrate your kid’s progress. Celebrate finding a great book.
• Don’t wait for your husband to want something. Buy yourself flowers. Dress up. Post it if you want.

3. Make One Bold Financial Move
• Open your own investment account. Even with $10 a month. Learn it. Own it. This is yours.
• Start a savings challenge.
• Read one good financial book (e.g., I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi or Money Honey by Rachel Richards).

4. Create Micro-Freedoms
• Wake up 30 minutes before everyone else and write or exercise.
• Go for walks with a podcast that makes you feel powerful or heard.
• Carve out spaces in your week that are entirely yours.

5. Make Peace With “Good Enough”
• If your marriage is mediocre, then treat it like a stable co-parenting contract. Less passion, maybe, but more calm.
• Can you start seeing him as a business partner in parenting? Reduce expectations, reduce resentment.

Mental Shift: Stop Measuring Life Against Imagined Versions

You are living a real life, not a curated one.
• You are keeping a family together.
• You are still dreaming and asking how to grow — which is rare.
• You are aware, not checked out.

That is mature. That is resilient. That is the start of a better chapter.

You can live a fuller life. You just have to start building it in the cracks that are already there.

[Anonymous]

Why not divorce and just stay in the country so you can be with your kids?

And having a lavish wedding has no correlation with a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for sharing so openly. What you’re describing — that feeling of being “stuck,” of looking at the life you built and feeling both disappointed and deeply responsible — is profoundly human. Maturity isn’t about never making mistakes; it’s about what you do after you realize you made them. You’re not immature. You’re awake now, and that’s where real maturity starts.

Let’s break this into manageable truths and action steps.

First: Redefine What Maturity Really Means

Maturity is not:
• Having a perfect marriage
• Owning a house
• Smiling for photos on Instagram

Maturity is something quieter:
• Taking responsibility for your current reality
• Making consistent, intentional choices that build a better present
• Accepting that you can’t fix the past, but you can direct the future

And by the way, the people with all those happy photos? Many of them feel what you’re feeling too. You’re not behind — you’re just in a part of the journey that most people keep quiet about.

Second: Stop Punishing Yourself for Old Decisions

You didn’t move or marry him because you were stupid. You were hopeful. You were trying to build a life. Maybe love was part of it. Maybe security was part of it. Maybe pressure, too. All of those things are very human. You chose based on who you were then.

Maturity now means:

“That version of me made those decisions. I’m not her anymore. But I respect her for trying.”

Third: Build a Life Within the Limits You’ve Got

You may not be able to leave your marriage, but you can still live a richer, more joyful life. Start building a parallel track — not in secret, but within your integrity.

Here are real, tangible things you can do:

1. Reclaim Your Identity
• What did you used to love before life got like this?
• Can you take a class? Start a creative project? Learn a skill? Travel alone, even for a weekend?
• Create something that is yours and no one else’s.

2. Build Your Own “Social Media” Moments
• Make your version of a milestone: Celebrate 6 months of sticking to a goal. Celebrate your kid’s progress. Celebrate finding a great book.
• Don’t wait for your husband to want something. Buy yourself flowers. Dress up. Post it if you want.

3. Make One Bold Financial Move
• Open your own investment account. Even with $10 a month. Learn it. Own it. This is yours.
• Start a savings challenge.
• Read one good financial book (e.g., I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi or Money Honey by Rachel Richards).

4. Create Micro-Freedoms
• Wake up 30 minutes before everyone else and write or exercise.
• Go for walks with a podcast that makes you feel powerful or heard.
• Carve out spaces in your week that are entirely yours.

5. Make Peace With “Good Enough”
• If your marriage is mediocre, then treat it like a stable co-parenting contract. Less passion, maybe, but more calm.
• Can you start seeing him as a business partner in parenting? Reduce expectations, reduce resentment.

Mental Shift: Stop Measuring Life Against Imagined Versions

You are living a real life, not a curated one.
• You are keeping a family together.
• You are still dreaming and asking how to grow — which is rare.
• You are aware, not checked out.

That is mature. That is resilient. That is the start of a better chapter.

You can live a fuller life. You just have to start building it in the cracks that are already there.

OP here. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for this reply.

I have started some of those things (solo trips; getting things for myself that make me smile) - it feels powerful but it also makes me feel resentful. Why do I need my husband?

My only conclusion is to give a stable house for my 2 kids. And I know it is huge but there is a selfish part of me who thinks: what about me? What about wearing this white wedding dress that I have never worn? What about having a wedding party and dancing? What about coming home from work and having a partner who will give me a hug or kiss?

What about having a partner who makes me feel stable and secure?

I know it is immature right? My feelings don’t matter if I have two little kids - I need to make it work for them.

And the most ironic thing is that I am just hoping he will maybe change his mind; he will ask for a divorce. It would be so much easier if he was the one wanting the divorce so I wouldn’t have to take a responsibility for breaking our family.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way.

Divorce could be an option for you - however you will have to stay in this country likely due to your children. 😕
This may be a small sacrifice that you will have to make if you truly want out of your unsatisfactory marriage.

Do you think that marriage counseling may help you + your husband out?
Do you think your husband would be willing to attend??

I seriously do not think there is anything besides counseling that will improve your life w/your husband other than divorcing.
Again if you are willing to remain in the country until your children are adults you may want to consider this route.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

[Anonymous]

Make your own life.

Home ownership isn't everything. DH and I just drove up to the house today and calculated the cost of the landscaping that needs to be done to the front of the house. We picked 5 ticks off DS after he played soccer outside for 5 min because the grass is over grown and we need to treat the lawn with this natural tick repellent crap that I don't think works that well. I'm grumbling thinking about the few other home maintenance things that we eventually need to do but the headache and cost of them barely seems worth it.

Find your own activities. Make your own friends. You're not going to find the relationship and friendship you want with your husband. It's unfortunate and you're allowed to grieve that and it's not immature to be sad about it. It just is what it is. What things do you like? Do stuff for you and make your life separate from him.

Get off social media. There are 3 types of social media users. Those who just enjoy seeing what others are up to and aren't bothered by what people post. Those who use it to broadcast their life and may or may not be truthful about their lives. And those who are impacts negatively and seeing other's lives makes them feel worse about theirs. You seem to fall into the last category. Just get off of it. It's not helping you and it's making everything worse.

[Anonymous]

Where are you from, OP?

[Anonymous]

Divorce. You seem miserable.

[Anonymous]

What was it that you liked about him that made you marry him?

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 60s. Unless I look in the mirror, my mind still feels 18 and I don't feel like I've got things worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 60s. Unless I look in the mirror, my mind still feels 18 and I don't feel like I've got things worked out.

That's most of us, my friend.