Coming in as an outsider in a non entry year

[Anonymous]

We moved here last year and DS8 is going to be joining the school in 3rd grade. Most of these kids have been together since preK and some of their parents are alums. Any tips for breaking into this kind of environment? We are very much outsiders and I don’t know any school families. I am not a naturally friendly person (my son is, luckily!), so any tips or dos and donts are appreciated from people who have BTDT.

For play dates - do people prefer to be invited to people’s homes, or meet at a park or indoor activity center?

[Anonymous]

Don’t worry, just support your kid for the first few weeks and see how it goes. Go to parent events, give it some time.

[Anonymous]

We had a handful of new kids in 3rd due to some unexpected relocations and they fit in so well that we often forget they weren’t there from day 1. It helped rebalance social stuff and kids were really happy to have a chance to make new friends. I think that at most schools by 3rd grade things feel a little stale and a new kid or two is a welcome change.

We did group outings for the first few social things with DD’s new classmate (kid-friendly haunted house, trampoline place) before we switched to playdates at each others’ houses. It probably transitioned faster because the mom and I volunteered for Girl Scouts together so we both spent some time together and that accelerated feeling safe about home playdates and outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a handful of new kids in 3rd due to some unexpected relocations and they fit in so well that we often forget they weren’t there from day 1. It helped rebalance social stuff and kids were really happy to have a chance to make new friends. I think that at most schools by 3rd grade things feel a little stale and a new kid or two is a welcome change.

We did group outings for the first few social things with DD’s new classmate (kid-friendly haunted house, trampoline place) before we switched to playdates at each others’ houses. It probably transitioned faster because the mom and I volunteered for Girl Scouts together so we both spent some time together and that accelerated feeling safe about home playdates and outings.

This. I went to a small school and every year the night before the first day of school, my sister and I had a hand-clapping game ritual that we hoped would bring new classmates. A little social variety is a good thing. Otherwise things get very insular and repetitive, and yes, "stale" is the perfect word for it.

[Anonymous]

Just make an effort, don’t overthink it. Start inviting kids for different kinds of playdates and see what connections you make. But be proactive!

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about it. This is such a transient area with all the government jobs (a bunch switch with changes in administrations, etc.). Your child will not be the "new kid" for long.

Most privates assign a mentor family to you who will help your transition and will invite you to a playdate, etc. Just make sure you attend all events to which you are invited (play dates, new family reception, etc...), volunteer at school for things where you can chat with other parents (fall fair, book fair are good ones for this, maybe a field trip), and initiate some playdates over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved here last year and DS8 is going to be joining the school in 3rd grade. Most of these kids have been together since preK and some of their parents are alums. Any tips for breaking into this kind of environment? We are very much outsiders and I don’t know any school families. I am not a naturally friendly person (my son is, luckily!), so any tips or dos and donts are appreciated from people who have BTDT.

For play dates - do people prefer to be invited to people’s homes, or meet at a park or indoor activity center?

I wouldn't worry about it. Back in the day, I was a transfer to a very small PK-8 where the only real expansion year was K. Everyone is psyched to have new friends and the school has a ton of practice in managing these transitions. I'm still friends with some of those classmates to this day.

[Anonymous]

There will be birthday parties, too. A lot of kids at our school invite the entire class. It's a good way to meet the other parents and kids.

[Anonymous]

Find out if there is a grade level soccer, basketball, and/or baseball team that your child can join. These are typically done through local outside rec organizations (not-school affiliated) where parents are the team manager/coach and organize via the outside group but the roster is all kids from your school (or sometimes a mix). Sidelines and practices are a good way to meet people in an organic way. you are lucky that 3rd grade is still a good year for this (it can get harder to do this approach at older grades).

[Anonymous]

PS - I'd also hope that your school has a buddy family program to help you out.

[Anonymous]

As PPs have said, get involved, be approachable, and be supportive of your child. Families are typically very welcoming and interested in getting to know the new families and grade-level get togethers and parties are often still the norm. Breathe and know that it will be alright!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t worry too much about it. At my kids’ small school, they’ve always been excited about the 1-2 kids in non-entry years. Having your kid use after care for a couple of days a week, or joining the after school clubs is another way to have them make friends.

[Anonymous]

It's so school dependent. DS has been the new kid in a non-entry year twice now. (Neither of these experiences are in the DMV)

First time was a miserable experience. Incredibly insular school and it was quickly apparent that non alum parents would always be outsiders. FWIW, non alum parents whose kids entered in kindergarten said it didn't matter that their kid started with everyone else, they were and always will be outsiders.

Second school has been much more welcoming. Decent number of alums as parents, but less so that previous school. And the school did a whole lot more to welcome new families, especially new families joining in non-entry years. It does seem that there's more students entering and leaving, so the turnover might have something to do with the more welcoming atmosphere.