Getting ready for marriage

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been discussing getting married. this will be a second marriage for both of us. We are insanely in love. We were both also very much in love with our first spouses at the time of marriage, so we know love is not enough.

We’ve been having serious talks about things we should each work on prior to marriage to demonstrate to ourselves and others to take on marriage a second time.

I wondered what others have to say on this topic. What stuff makes you ready for marriage? Was there stuff you and your spouse ironed out in advance that was helpful?

[Anonymous]

Are you Catholic? Do pre-marriage counseling (known as "cana"). It's really useful in that regard.

Or find a counselor (or book) on the same topics.

[Anonymous]

Firstly I don't think you should worry about other people. Secondly, despite being Jewish I think the idea of pre Cana is great within the context of going through issues to get to a good place on them before marriage. Work, vacation, family, money, kids, house location, politics, retirement, arguing, chores, etc.

[Anonymous]

Why did each of your marriages end? That's the only thing I think is important here.

[Anonymous]

Any children? That's the biggest risk factor and you need to think it all through very carefully.

[Anonymous]

Wait until you are no longer “insanely in love” and have spent enough years together to know exactly what it means to be ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you are no longer “insanely in love” and have spent enough years together to know exactly what it means to be ready.

+++

[Anonymous]

Housing- Which house will you live in, and how will the sale of the other house be handled (Does he help financially and time wise to prep it for sale, and does he get a say in which offer you'll accept? Will all of the profit be kept as separate property or will it become marital property?)

What are the current expectations of how much time and money you give your children? Do your kids expect you to help with a down payment on their first house and his didn't? Are the kids given a key to the house and invited to treat the home like their home (assuming the house is the one they grew up in)? Or maybe the kids need to schedule a time when they'll visit? Will you spend the same amount on each kid's birthday presents, baby shower gifts, etc...? What if your kid gets in a bind and needs to be bailed out financially? Will he agree to this if you do? And how would that work for you?

Parents' care. Are there elderly parents who need financial and time support? How is the going to be handled? Will he be okay with both or one of your parents moving in with you?

How do you anticipate holidays & vacations looking? Do you want to be the home that hosts ALL the kids in one place or do you want to just see the kids one at a time quietly, without the new spouse around? What do your kids want?

How do your retirement funds align? And what about retirement ages? Have you discussed how the retirement of the older spouse will impact on the time of the younger spouse's retirement?

Disclosure of all financial matters. What savings, investments, and other accounts do you each have? What pension/other funds remain after your first divorces that can be given to the new spouse? Which, if any, of these assets will be kept as separate property? What will happen if one of you gets an inheritance while you're married? What do each of your first spouse's already have that cannot be given to your new spouse? (For example, a share of their pension.)

How will you handle your wills? Do you want to protect your kids' inheritances by requiring that a certain amount go to your kids rather than leave it to chance? (This is to avoid a situation where the wife dies first and the husband remarries and then leaves everything to the last wife who has zero connection with your kids.) A pre-nup might make sense for purposes of what happens when you die, even if you don't want one for the scenario in which you divorce.

[Anonymous]

Pre Cana is a total joke and waste of time for grown adults. It's designed for young people who have not yet started careers or purchased houses and had kids.

[Anonymous]

Boring. If everyone did this, no one would get married. Jump in now and things will work out as they come up.

And yes, happily married to the same DH in my early 20s for over 30 years.

[Anonymous]

You both have already been married and divorced…and don’t appear young.

Ummm you should have an idea.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to demonstrate anything to others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both have already been married and divorced…and don’t appear young.

Ummm you should have an idea.

Eye roll

[Anonymous]

Is there a reason you need to be legally married again? Why not commit to one another without the paperwork? If I were to get divorced, I don’t think I would legally marry another person again… unless we had kids but I’m too old for more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I have been discussing getting married. this will be a second marriage for both of us. We are insanely in love. We were both also very much in love with our first spouses at the time of marriage, so we know love is not enough.

We’ve been having serious talks about things we should each work on prior to marriage to demonstrate to ourselves and others to take on marriage a second time.

I wondered what others have to say on this topic. What stuff makes you ready for marriage? Was there stuff you and your spouse ironed out in advance that was helpful?

Just keep those blowjobs coming.