Am I being overly sensitive?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who knows a good amount of what I've been through the past few years - multiple clinics, cancellations, failures, etc. I haven't discussed my feelings much, but she's seen the tears. And after a number of get-togethers during which she babbled on about other friends' pregnancies, I told her that it was really painful for me to hear that kind of information. She stopped, but she can't stop gushing over babies when we see new mothers. This weekend we were at a party, and when someone walked in with her newborn, my friend immediately ran over to see the baby, leaving me standing there with my stomach in my throat watching her gush. It was so hard not to cry - I just felt so isolated, standing there trying to suppress my feelings as she ran off and left me. I can't help feeling that she's being disloyal, and I'm really having a hard time wanting to remain friends with her. I do avoid seeing her as it is, but I almost feel that I should just move her down to the "acquaintance" category.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are, but it is completely understandable. As a good friend, she should have more tact.

[Anonymous]

I am sensitive too. We all are, because this is hard. At the same time, you can't expect others (even close friends) to know what you're going through, the extent of your sadness or what will trigger you. To a certain extent you have to put on your armor when you're out and about because something is bound to happen that has potential to hurt you. For me the other night it was sitting at dinner with my husband's co-workers listening to them go on and on about how easy it is to get pregnant and how they got pregnant while the wife was on birth control and they used a condom. About this time the husband does his arms in muscle fashion and says, "Super Sperm!" I didn't know whether to cry, laugh or vomit. Now granted these people aren't as close to me as your friend, but my point is just things are going to happen and you're better off learning to find your inner happy place where you can tune out the painful words or actions until they are over. I am sorry. It is hard. I know.

[Anonymous]

No advice, just commisseration. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your friend is baby-crazy right now, and it may not be fair to expect her to turn this off in your presence. I know it's hard OP. I don't think this is something to lose a friendship over, but perhaps it is a sign that she is not the right person for you to rely on/confide in/etc right now as you TTC.

[Anonymous]

OP---is your friend married? We have been TTC for almost four years and dealt with an endless series of fertility treatments, including a m/c. I have a couple of single friends (also older like me) who have been wonderful and supportive, but I also try to realize that from their perspective---I have a wonderful husband and very happy marriage---while they're still hoping to find the right mate. Everything depends on your perspective.

[Anonymous]

It may not be the most sensitive thing to do, but you have to remember it's not all about you all the time.

If your friend didn't go baby-crazy over another friend's baby than that would be unfair to the new mom - the baby (and the new mom) are "allowed" to be congratulated too.

I know misery loves company, but it's not fair that you (and your friend) can't be happy for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may not be the most sensitive thing to do, but you have to remember it's not all about you all the time.

If your friend didn't go baby-crazy over another friend's baby than that would be unfair to the new mom - the baby (and the new mom) are "allowed" to be congratulated too.

I know misery loves company, but it's not fair that you (and your friend) can't be happy for others.

I agree with this. I have so been there and I know it's hard. I remember dreading some social events becuase I knew baby stuff would come up. And I would have to paste a smile on my face and act happy. Because as this PP said, you really can't ask or expect others to minimize their joyful responses. It's not fair to anyone. If you know an event is going to be particularly bad (baby shower, brunch with a newly pregnant mom where you know that's all that will be discussed, etc.), just don't go. I only did this a few times because I didn't want to become isolated, but sometimes you just have to give yourself a break.

You will get through this. It will get better and you won't feel like this forever. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Well, thanks for those of you who were supportive. FWIW, it was an event I had to attend (and I've been isolating myself for awhile) and I did have my happy face on and was friendly to the hugely pregnant woman there as well as several people with infants. But I didn't even know that the new mother (an acquaintance) was expecting, so I was completely blindsided by her showing up with a newborn. Having my friend rush over and screech loudly about it just put me over the edge - she could have congratulated the mother in a quieter and more discrete way, as I'm sure other friends did that day.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to say I've been there and it sucks. I did have some friends I pulled back from a bit while going through IVF. I think sometimes you have to go into survival mode and just protect yourself the best you can.

Hope you come out the other side soon!

[Anonymous]

An anonymous forum is not survival mode.

[Anonymous]

I think it's totally insensitive of her. This is probably the most difficult and painful thing you are going through, and for a friend not to be considerate of that is terrible. I personally have put friendships like that on hold (or ended them completely). Would you gush about how romantic your husband/boyfriend is to a single girl going through a lot of pain and loneliness? I say, find some more sensitive and caring friends.

[Anonymous]

I might do that if I did not realize the single girl was going through pain or lonliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's totally insensitive of her. This is probably the most difficult and painful thing you are going through, and for a friend not to be considerate of that is terrible. I personally have put friendships like that on hold (or ended them completely). Would you gush about how romantic your husband/boyfriend is to a single girl going through a lot of pain and loneliness? I say, find some more sensitive and caring friends.

And some day, you will come out the other side of infertility (whether by giving birth, adoption, or deciding not to pursue it any further), and you will realize you've lost a lot of friends by cutting them off. I learned this the hard way.

Nobody's perfect. You might want to cut some of the people in your life some slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, thanks for those of you who were supportive. FWIW, it was an event I had to attend (and I've been isolating myself for awhile) and I did have my happy face on and was friendly to the hugely pregnant woman there as well as several people with infants. But I didn't even know that the new mother (an acquaintance) was expecting, so I was completely blindsided by her showing up with a newborn. Having my friend rush over and screech loudly about it just put me over the edge - she could have congratulated the mother in a quieter and more discrete way, as I'm sure other friends did that day.

I have to say, I think you are being overly sensitive and a tad bit selfish. This new mom has every right to have people gush over her baby. So sorry you are having a tough time- I truly with you the best of luck.