Having a hard time socially

[Anonymous]

I’m finding myself becoming a bit of a recluse. I had good friends but those relationships faded, then not so great friends, mom friends, and now no friends. But beyond that, I don’t want to interact with people and I increasingly dread people. I’m fine with my immediate family, cashiers to some extent (not the Trader Joe’s ones) but anything beyond that like most neighbors, a doctor, an acquaintance, someone new, extended family… I dread it. I wah and also dread meetings. It’s like this massive social anxiety set in over time and like I don’t know how to talk anymore or feel like it’s worth it. I tried to force myself interacting more (volunteered for two years somewhere, lots of exposure at sporting events) and I think it made things worse bc in the end it was pointless.

[Anonymous]

OP do you live alone? Kids? Married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you live alone? Kids? Married?

I am married and a soon to be empty nester. My kids and dh are great so no issues on that front.

[Anonymous]

You need a reset, OP. As in, medication for anxiety. Then therapy. I'm not sure that therapy will do its job if you're not medicated for it. Do you have a significant other who can accompany you to your doctor's appointment for the meds? No doctor will refuse you, BTW, but you do need to get a prescription. I got mine with a virtual appointment, but perhaps yours won't want to do that.

Some meds for anxiety might have unwanted side effects. You might have to try several. Maybe none will work. But you owe it to yourself to at least try for several weeks.

You need to fight this because there will come a time when you will really need friends, and know how to communicate with people. Being in good health and able-bodied doesn't last for ever.

If you have autism in addition to your social anxiety, you might never find a ton of joy in socializing with people. But your downward spiral is very concerning, and your goal is to stop yourself from hardening into your recluse status. Which is what you are right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a reset, OP. As in, medication for anxiety. Then therapy. I'm not sure that therapy will do its job if you're not medicated for it. Do you have a significant other who can accompany you to your doctor's appointment for the meds? No doctor will refuse you, BTW, but you do need to get a prescription. I got mine with a virtual appointment, but perhaps yours won't want to do that.

Some meds for anxiety might have unwanted side effects. You might have to try several. Maybe none will work. But you owe it to yourself to at least try for several weeks.

You need to fight this because there will come a time when you will really need friends, and know how to communicate with people. Being in good health and able-bodied doesn't last for ever.

If you have autism in addition to your social anxiety, you might never find a ton of joy in socializing with people. But your downward spiral is very concerning, and your goal is to stop yourself from hardening into your recluse status. Which is what you are right now.

I hear what you are saying but I don’t think friends are dependable at all though, bc in my experience they never are. So idk if fear of old age is a good reason bc to me investing a lot in people and then being dumped is really hard to get over. I guess I have no trust left.

[Anonymous]

I think saying that you have autism or need medication is a little bit rash. I think when you’re an introvert, and especially a mom, it’s hard to be around our kids all the time. I have teenagers who are still Velcro babies, who loved to hang out with me and chat with me and be around me and sometimes it is exhausting. As a natural introvert I really enjoy spending time alone.
It does sound like you suffer a little bit from social anxiety though and I think the best way to approach that is exposure therapy. Start by trying one thing new that is very short and doesn’t involve a lot of interaction and see how that goes. Maybe go to an exercise class where you’re around people but you don’t have to talk to people. Know where the door is if you need to get out, but you might find yourself enjoying it. After that, try something else. Just noticing the problem as a huge step!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think saying that you have autism or need medication is a little bit rash. I think when you’re an introvert, and especially a mom, it’s hard to be around our kids all the time. I have teenagers who are still Velcro babies, who loved to hang out with me and chat with me and be around me and sometimes it is exhausting. As a natural introvert I really enjoy spending time alone.
It does sound like you suffer a little bit from social anxiety though and I think the best way to approach that is exposure therapy. Start by trying one thing new that is very short and doesn’t involve a lot of interaction and see how that goes. Maybe go to an exercise class where you’re around people but you don’t have to talk to people. Know where the door is if you need to get out, but you might find yourself enjoying it. After that, try something else. Just noticing the problem as a huge step!

I think my worry about this is when I do get exposure I systematically feel worse. I went to exercise classes (Pilates) for years and never fit in, always felt dread I’d mess up. I even had this mantra for a long time about how half of success is showing up…but it led to me feeling bad, regretful for going, stupid bc I says x, y or z. I think a lot of this stems from a mix of covid (I did not miss socializing at all) and friendships falling apart. But if I keep exposing myself and it keeps feeling awful then what is gained?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a reset, OP. As in, medication for anxiety. Then therapy. I'm not sure that therapy will do its job if you're not medicated for it. Do you have a significant other who can accompany you to your doctor's appointment for the meds? No doctor will refuse you, BTW, but you do need to get a prescription. I got mine with a virtual appointment, but perhaps yours won't want to do that.

Some meds for anxiety might have unwanted side effects. You might have to try several. Maybe none will work. But you owe it to yourself to at least try for several weeks.

You need to fight this because there will come a time when you will really need friends, and know how to communicate with people. Being in good health and able-bodied doesn't last for ever.

If you have autism in addition to your social anxiety, you might never find a ton of joy in socializing with people. But your downward spiral is very concerning, and your goal is to stop yourself from hardening into your recluse status. Which is what you are right now.

I hear what you are saying but I don’t think friends are dependable at all though, bc in my experience they never are. So idk if fear of old age is a good reason bc to me investing a lot in people and then being dumped is really hard to get over. I guess I have no trust left.

PP you replied to. There are other reasons to exercise that social muscle, OP. If you don't use it, you lose it, and then even necessary interactions will seem insurmountable, and you won't get out of your house, which will have dire consequences for your finances and health.

For example, I have a lab coat effect. When I do my annual check-ups or need to have medical exams, my blood pressure goes through the roof (in between visits, my blood pressure is fine). It got so bad that I skipped some visits because I couldn't face the blood pressure monitor. The one time I told the nurse I wanted to skip the monitor, she made such a face I decided I would just not go to my next visit. Now I'm better and can face my next doctor's visit, but it took some work to get there.

When you're old and need help, will you be able to accept a stranger's presence in your house? Or will your kids just find you sprawled at the foot of the stairs one day?

There is some joy in life if you can find it, and you cannot let yourself spiral to the point where any social interaction is impossible. You're not there yet, but you need to take proactive steps to ensure you never get there. Your spouse may die before you, your kids might live far away. You need to plan for the future.

Add depression to the list of diagnoses. If you have no trust that human beings can be friends with you, then you are also clinically depressed.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have just gotten used to being by yourself more, and modern technology like phones and "social media" internet sites oddly enough have made people more reclusive and less sociable than ever.

You most likely don't need medications. That's the drug companies/medical complex shilling, and could cause many problems for you if go down that drug addiction path.

Just find a hobby and then find others who share your hobby.

Have hobby friends that you don't talk to every single day, but rather see on occasion.

In other words, just push yourself to get out and do enjoyable things. Not everything has to be a big party or even with other people, do things by yourself in public as well.

Find new restaurants to try, bars to have a drink, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have just gotten used to being by yourself more, and modern technology like phones and "social media" internet sites oddly enough have made people more reclusive and less sociable than ever.

You most likely don't need medications. That's the drug companies/medical complex shilling, and could cause many problems for you if go down that drug addiction path.

Just find a hobby and then find others who share your hobby.

Have hobby friends that you don't talk to every single day, but rather see on occasion.

In other words, just push yourself to get out and do enjoyable things. Not everything has to be a big party or even with other people, do things by yourself in public as well.

Find new restaurants to try, bars to have a drink, etc.

I would not do medication bc I’m able to do everything I need to do (including doctor visits, travel, errands on my own) but I just dread the interactions part. I do enjoy going shopping or eating out with my immediate family. But friendships, socializing outside of that? I don’t see it happening bc it just hasn’t happened and it never feels easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have just gotten used to being by yourself more, and modern technology like phones and "social media" internet sites oddly enough have made people more reclusive and less sociable than ever.

You most likely don't need medications. That's the drug companies/medical complex shilling, and could cause many problems for you if go down that drug addiction path.

Just find a hobby and then find others who share your hobby.

Have hobby friends that you don't talk to every single day, but rather see on occasion.

In other words, just push yourself to get out and do enjoyable things. Not everything has to be a big party or even with other people, do things by yourself in public as well.

Find new restaurants to try, bars to have a drink, etc.

I would not do medication bc I’m able to do everything I need to do (including doctor visits, travel, errands on my own) but I just dread the interactions part. I do enjoy going shopping or eating out with my immediate family. But friendships, socializing outside of that? I don’t see it happening bc it just hasn’t happened and it never feels easier.

Then perhaps that is not something you need at this particular point in your life OP. I wouldn't think anything about it. Just be mindful about the reasons you avoid it and make sure it's not avoidance due to something negative, such as anxiety.

[Anonymous]

What is your question exactly? You don’t want to socialize and you don’t. Do you feel like you are supposed to want to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your question exactly? You don’t want to socialize and you don’t. Do you feel like you are supposed to want to?

I wonder about it, yes. Everyone seems to have so many friends and be so comfortable . And I miss the friendships I had but at the same time I feel like maybe they were not real bc they didn’t last.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you need to accept that you are the way you are! Are you feeling judged? My husband is much more social than I am - I love my family and my bff but other than that I’m good alone. I’m okay with that but sometimes I do feel judged

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a reset, OP. As in, medication for anxiety. Then therapy. I'm not sure that therapy will do its job if you're not medicated for it. Do you have a significant other who can accompany you to your doctor's appointment for the meds? No doctor will refuse you, BTW, but you do need to get a prescription. I got mine with a virtual appointment, but perhaps yours won't want to do that.

Some meds for anxiety might have unwanted side effects. You might have to try several. Maybe none will work. But you owe it to yourself to at least try for several weeks.

You need to fight this because there will come a time when you will really need friends, and know how to communicate with people. Being in good health and able-bodied doesn't last for ever.

If you have autism in addition to your social anxiety, you might never find a ton of joy in socializing with people. But your downward spiral is very concerning, and your goal is to stop yourself from hardening into your recluse status. Which is what you are right now.

Autism? Therapy? Anxiety?

Everything is not a medical issue PP.

Maybe OP is just in a good old fashioned funk, perhaps in anticipation of being a soon to be empty nester. I know that’s what’s going on with me. And I’m not rushing to turn it into a medical issue.