Neighbors want to hang out. I don't, but want to be on friendly terms.

[Anonymous]

My neighbors want to have the kind of street where we all have dinner together or throw a block party. I do not. The issue is partly their personalities, and partly that when I'm at home I just like to be quiet.

But, I do want to have the kind of neighbor relationship where we can grab packages for each other, water the garden, etc. I have taken care of everybody's cats when they vacation. I have several people's spare keys for emergencies. I want to be a good neighbor! I'm friendly! I just don't want to go out to dinner or play cards.

I have tried saying I'm unavailable, I have tried going once for form's sake, I have tried saying "oh that's not my thing." The summer invitations and offers to schedule around my availability are becoming stressful and I'm avoiding the front yard so I don't have to defend my calendar. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Continue to decline firmly - gently. The end.

[Anonymous]

I understand what you are saying 100%.

I think I would continue to decline, stating tiredness from work, work to catch up on, cleaning to do, errands to run etc. That sort of thing. Nothing that is an outright lie that they could catch you in.

At the same time, I’d try to think of “neighborly” things to do here and there (to show them that you enjoy the neighbor relationship). Text them a heads up if you notice something noteworthy in the neighborhood or on their property or ask a friendly question about neighborhood things, make extra cookies or whatever to drop off- if that something you do, compliment them on their outdoor decorations or new flowers or whatever. Just via text, here and there.

I think over time they will accept you as the “very nice, but very quiet” neighbor next door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighbors want to have the kind of street where we all have dinner together or throw a block party. I do not. The issue is partly their personalities, and partly that when I'm at home I just like to be quiet.

But, I do want to have the kind of neighbor relationship where we can grab packages for each other, water the garden, etc. I have taken care of everybody's cats when they vacation. I have several people's spare keys for emergencies. I want to be a good neighbor! I'm friendly! I just don't want to go out to dinner or play cards.

I have tried saying I'm unavailable, I have tried going once for form's sake, I have tried saying "oh that's not my thing." The summer invitations and offers to schedule around my availability are becoming stressful and I'm avoiding the front yard so I don't have to defend my calendar. What do I do?

You want favors but not to be sociable. I kinda understand where you are coming from, but note that that is not how most people are.

Most people equate being outgoing and social butterflies as being more friendly and you have to schmooze in order to receive.

[Anonymous]

You’re going to lose out and your kids will too. I understand where you’re coming from. I’m an introvert and sometimes dread these sorts of social events. But you know what I’ve learned? They bring some joy to life and it’s good for the soul to occasionally laugh and have a discussion with a neighbor over a beer or at a bbq.

I have some neighbors like you who make it very clear that they want to avoid friendships at all costs. Not just with me but with anyone. Their kids are isolated and they seem to spend most of their time in their house with only their immediate family. Women often plan social events and own the family calendar so their husbands also miss out.

What you’re describing is selfish and I’d reconsider. You don’t need to be BFF or hang out weekly. Hell you don’t even need to hang out monthly. But occasionally get together with your neighbors. It’s the American way.

Regardless I think you’re a troll. Everyone giving you their keys and you take care of their cats? But you can’t attend a social event?

[Anonymous]

what’s so hard about going to a dinner or card game every so often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to lose out and your kids will too. I understand where you’re coming from. I’m an introvert and sometimes dread these sorts of social events. But you know what I’ve learned? They bring some joy to life and it’s good for the soul to occasionally laugh and have a discussion with a neighbor over a beer or at a bbq.

I have some neighbors like you who make it very clear that they want to avoid friendships at all costs. Not just with me but with anyone. Their kids are isolated and they seem to spend most of their time in their house with only their immediate family. Women often plan social events and own the family calendar so their husbands also miss out.

What you’re describing is selfish and I’d reconsider. You don’t need to be BFF or hang out weekly. Hell you don’t even need to hang out monthly. But occasionally get together with your neighbors. It’s the American way.

Regardless I think you’re a troll. Everyone giving you their keys and you take care of their cats? But you can’t attend a social event?

I got the impression OP did not have young kids, as she did not mention.

I do think there is a big difference between “attending 2 events a year” or whatever, versus the expectations som neighbors may have. When we moved in, our neighbors had been best friends with the people who previously lived in our house. They seemed to want to recreate that, and were just dropping by all of the time expecting to be invited in for coffee etc. It was suffocating. I’d have been fine with seeing them a few times/year but frequent drop-bys, no. I had to be very standoffish. We are also at very different life stages- we have young kids and they are empty nesters (as were the previous people who lived in our house). I am not antisocial but don’t have time to meet their needs scheduling wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to lose out and your kids will too. I understand where you’re coming from. I’m an introvert and sometimes dread these sorts of social events. But you know what I’ve learned? They bring some joy to life and it’s good for the soul to occasionally laugh and have a discussion with a neighbor over a beer or at a bbq.

I have some neighbors like you who make it very clear that they want to avoid friendships at all costs. Not just with me but with anyone. Their kids are isolated and they seem to spend most of their time in their house with only their immediate family. Women often plan social events and own the family calendar so their husbands also miss out.

What you’re describing is selfish and I’d reconsider. You don’t need to be BFF or hang out weekly. Hell you don’t even need to hang out monthly. But occasionally get together with your neighbors. It’s the American way.

Regardless I think you’re a troll. Everyone giving you their keys and you take care of their cats? But you can’t attend a social event?

I got the impression OP did not have young kids, as she did not mention.

I do think there is a big difference between “attending 2 events a year” or whatever, versus the expectations som neighbors may have. When we moved in, our neighbors had been best friends with the people who previously lived in our house. They seemed to want to recreate that, and were just dropping by all of the time expecting to be invited in for coffee etc. It was suffocating. I’d have been fine with seeing them a few times/year but frequent drop-bys, no. I had to be very standoffish. We are also at very different life stages- we have young kids and they are empty nesters (as were the previous people who lived in our house). I am not antisocial but don’t have time to meet their needs scheduling wise.

This is so sad to me. It’s a perfect example of how isolated and lonely people are these days. Now a modern family is supposed to spend all their time driving their kids to activities as opposed to actually hanging out with neighbors having fun. Gross.

[Anonymous]

This is OP, thanks. No kids involved, but I'm mid-life/mid-career and they're all older. As far as favors, I'm comfortably in the black on that ledger and happy to continue that way. I don't mind helping, and I don't need help right now but you never know.

Without starting too much of a debate, I do not want to go to a series of dinners where all the conversation is either politics or what I should do to improve my front yard. They are pushy about both, and repeatedly changing the topic doesn't work. So I want to wave, say Hi! and go on with my day.

[Anonymous]

OP-I”m not social like that either. My kids may suffer, but one of them has asd and would end up screaming at everyone anyway, so we tend to avoid the whole scene.

I’m social at work and with my friends, but with neighbors, we need dividing lines. I don’t appreciate people stopping by whenever or doing group things with my neighbors. I have hung out with them a few times, but we aren’t the block party types. Luckily our whole street is like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, thanks. No kids involved, but I'm mid-life/mid-career and they're all older. As far as favors, I'm comfortably in the black on that ledger and happy to continue that way. I don't mind helping, and I don't need help right now but you never know.

Without starting too much of a debate, I do not want to go to a series of dinners where all the conversation is either politics or what I should do to improve my front yard. They are pushy about both, and repeatedly changing the topic doesn't work. So I want to wave, say Hi! and go on with my day.

I’m 15:40 & understand.

We recently moved into our home with nice neighbors who have all known each other since the foundation on all the homes were built - literally They’re all older than us -70’s + retired.

The invites and food were non stop.
We’ve simply pushed back - we don’t bird watch nor care that they have “ kids older than us” or have un launched adult children in their 50’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to lose out and your kids will too. I understand where you’re coming from. I’m an introvert and sometimes dread these sorts of social events. But you know what I’ve learned? They bring some joy to life and it’s good for the soul to occasionally laugh and have a discussion with a neighbor over a beer or at a bbq.

I have some neighbors like you who make it very clear that they want to avoid friendships at all costs. Not just with me but with anyone. Their kids are isolated and they seem to spend most of their time in their house with only their immediate family. Women often plan social events and own the family calendar so their husbands also miss out.

What you’re describing is selfish and I’d reconsider. You don’t need to be BFF or hang out weekly. Hell you don’t even need to hang out monthly. But occasionally get together with your neighbors. It’s the American way.

Regardless I think you’re a troll. Everyone giving you their keys and you take care of their cats? But you can’t attend a social event?

NP here. I disagree. We are too busy and have our own friends. Kids are 10 and 13 and no one is missing out.

[Anonymous]

This one is a toughie…..trust me OP I can truly relate.

I like to spend my days at home often alone, quiet and….often in peace.

However it is very important to have a good relationship w/your neighbors too.

I would continue to be friendly w/them >> just say Hello and make small talk.
When they invite you to do things w/them, just respond that you are tired, need to do this or that, etc. and just hope they will get the message and eventually stop asking.

[Anonymous]

for gods sakes, just go to a social event every once in a while. your time is not so precious that you can't do two or three one hour social events with your neighbors every year

[Anonymous]

"I love that you always invite me to your gatherings, Susan, and thank you so much for including me. Truth is, I've always been incredibly introverted and I don't know that I'll ever change. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you and your family, like watering your garden or taking in your mail. I love having such considerate neighbors!"

AKA just tell them the truth.