took my mom out to restaurant for possibly the last time

[Anonymous]

My mom moved to a new (and much improved) memory care about a month ago. I hadn't taken her out until last night because I wanted her to adjust, but before then we went out usually once a week, and I visited every other day. While she has increasingly significant mobility issues, she always enjoyed getting out, eating a good meal, etc. So last night, I picked her up at 5 pm to take her out, and chose a very quiet, empty restaurant . The entire (under 5 minute) drive she was terrified because the cars were going so fast; she felt extremely scared at the restaurant because her chair did not have arms (which I guess she has become accustomed to), she said it was too dark (it was actually quite bright and pleasant) and then she had a poop accident, which was really not fun because changing an 85 year old in a public bathroom when you didn't bring supplies like wipes and gloves is not exactly like changing a toddler on a table. It was pretty rough for both of us, and when I finally dropped her off, back at her memory care and she got all cleaned up, she had no memory of going out at all. So, I learned that this is no longer a pleasant thing for either of us.

So, yeah, its weird to think "that's the last time she's going to a restaurant" (or, frankly, probably leaving memory care at all, since she has directed hospice to take over should she have any medical issues at all at this point). There's no point to this post, except just to vent a little. Dementia sucks, every time you think you have adjusted to where they are, they decline further.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I'm so sorry!

My mom was similar -- LOVED going out. Her problems were more physical, but there was definitely a "last day" -- we just didn't know it at the time.

You're a good daughter. Sending positive thoughts!

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry. My dad had dementia but died before it was that bad. Take some time for yourself to grieve. ((Hugs))

[Anonymous]

Bless you, OP, for doing everything you’ve done. Sounds like your mother has readied herself to move on to whatever happens after this life. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s so hard. Kudos to you for recognizing her needs and adjusting future plans, so many deny and put people in bad situations.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is lucky to have you in her corner. Sorry your last dinner date with her was such a bust.

Even when parents no longer recognize us, it's good to check it with them at the facility (whatever kind) to make sure they are being treated well/appropriately. Weekly would be often enough I would think. Not on any kind of regular schedule.

[Anonymous]

Did she have cataract surgery? Cataracts are maybe why she's not seeing well. But maybe you don't want additional interventions at her age and with her diagnosis...

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP and others. I know we're nearing this point with my mom, and it's hard to see her lse her ability to enjoy things.

[Anonymous]

It's a cruel disease, OP, and so hard on the loved ones to essentially see their parents reversing time. You are a good person for trying; how would you have known it wouldn't go well and she wouldn't have enjoyed it? You didn't know and now you do. You know you are doing the best you can for her and it's trite but still true - all you can do is try your best.

My husband, severely disabled, had his last time out at a restaurant a few years ago but we didn't realize that at the time. Focus on making what visits you do have with her nice for you and her.

[Anonymous]

You are a great daughter. The situation is sad and you have every right to be upset. By the time my dad passed away my mom (his full time care giver) had pretty much finished grieving the loss of her husband . The person she loved was gone long before his body gave out. But, like she did, you will find ways to adjust and bring little moments of joy to your mom. Since going out seems to be more upsetting than enjoyable maybe you can bring a special meal to her for a change of pace. Familiar smells and tastes may bring her some happiness.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you all for supportive comments. I am actually feeling okay about everything--I think I've grieved a lot already, and I'm sure there's more in the future. It's just such a strange process, like watching someone regress from adult back to toddlerhood in a way, but without all the joy, and knowing that there's an end soon.

What I can say is that I fretted so much about her when she was in middle stages and at a memory care that was really not that great, and I was always running over there to troubleshoot, or take her to the doctor, or deal with some emotional crises. Now that she has moved to a place that is so much better and where she gets much more attention and the staff is far better trained, she is calmer. Maybe it's also the progression of the disease, she's less agitated but more cognitively compromised. Mostly I am gratified by the knowledge that I have done the best for her that I possibly can. And since she is so close now (about a 15 min drive tops) it is easy for me to pop in quickly for 15-20 minutes, check in, bring her a hot chocolate, without it being a huge burden on me or take too much time away from my kids/spouse/job. The memory care staff really handle everything else, including medical needs, so that I can finally just be there as a daughter and not a stressed-out caregiver.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry we hit that stage and just brought food in.

[Anonymous]

Aww, I'm so sorry, OP. It's very hard. Hugs to you both.

I'm glad your Mom is in a better facility now.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry

[Anonymous]

It's hard to deal with all the "last times they'll..." things because sometimes they happen without you ever knowing it was the last time. Those have been the hardest for me.

I still think about the last time we made the trek to our family beach condo in OCMD in 2023. It's such a short trip from the DMV area, but any type of travel with my dad, who has dementia, is miserable. The beach was his favorite place and where we made so many memories growing up.