How do you keep your cool answering the same question for the 5th time?

[Anonymous]

My LO is in the early stages of dementia. So much repetition. It's hard not to sound perturbed after a while. It's not his fault. How do I tap into my patience reserves?

[Anonymous]

I usually mentally count how many times I repeat something. I usually tell friends about it. I try to see the humor in it. I remind myself It’s not their fault. They are not doing it intentionally. It’s hard. I’m going through it now.

[Anonymous]

I recognize that similar patterns of behavior often come in “cuter” packages — and I try to respond accordingly. I enjoy preschoolers who incessantly ask “why”, and who often need a lot of repetition, and who respond to things like music, rhymes, and humor to support their memory skills. Some of those things work some of the time with elders too. I also step away and take breaks when I need to.

[Anonymous]

I immediately though of the toddler stage, and be happy they are reverting to repeating rather than tantruming.

And, my parents are there as well, my dads loops weren't funny the first time, let alone the hundredth time. My mantra these days is, "it's a privilege to be able to help my parents." Some days I have to remind myself over and over and over.

[Anonymous]

Definitely try to find humor. When my mom was hospitalized the other day she asked no less than 30 times where we were. I just repeated the same few sentences “we’re at the hospital! You fell and hurt yourself. They have to call the ambulance. It must have been very scary for you. We’re here so they can make sure you’re going to be okay”. Every ten minutes…. Like a PP I relayed that story to friends for humor.

With dementia you really need to completely flip how you think of things. Once you can get past your irritation and accept this is a disease, it’s not your loved one, life must be so incredibly scary for them, they probably still recognize you as a safe person, it’s so hard for them to get through their day. So if you can answer their repetitive questions patiently (over and over and over) you’re really doing them a solid. You’re providing them a moment of comfort.

Think of them as a toddler who has special needs and is incapable of learning from any previous experiences.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t analogize to toddlers, even though the resemblances are there. So there.

Don't think of it as conversation, either, because it's not. They're looking for connection and reassurance, so think of it like holding their hand. Answering the same question every two minutes is like continuing to hold their hand. Unless you'd say, "Look, I held your hand when I first got here, and that's enough," just keep answering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t analogize to toddlers, even though the resemblances are there. So there.

Don't think of it as conversation, either, because it's not. They're looking for connection and reassurance, so think of it like holding their hand. Answering the same question every two minutes is like continuing to hold their hand. Unless you'd say, "Look, I held your hand when I first got here, and that's enough," just keep answering.

I like the hand holding analogy had not heard it before

[Anonymous]

I just ignore. Put headphones on.

[Anonymous]

Try not to focus on the actual (repetitive) words, but the steadiness and calmness that you are conveying. Imagine it as almost like a mantra that soothes your loved one.

Eventually, people with dementia lose at least some of their ability to verbally communicate and process language, but they remain very astute at picking up on emotions and non-verbal communication. So when you are repeating something for the billionth time, focus on your tone, and conveying matter-of-factness, “everything is okay,” positive regard and respect, etc. rather than the actual words and the fact that you’ve had to repeat them again and again. Just use it as a way to reiterate general calmness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I immediately though of the toddler stage, and be happy they are reverting to repeating rather than tantruming.

And, my parents are there as well, my dads loops weren't funny the first time, let alone the hundredth time. My mantra these days is, "it's a privilege to be able to help my parents." Some days I have to remind myself over and over and over.

Another good mantra would be "I hope my kids will be as patient with me when my time comes."

[Anonymous]

My best friend and I both have mothers with dementia. We make time once a week to have breakfast together. From the time we get to the diner until the food comes we complain and compare notes about our moms. It is so nice to know that I'm not alone and that what is happening is "normal" for dementia. Once the food comes we try to switch gears to other topics: kids, spouses, house projects and work. While we eat we will discuss solutions for our moms but not complain. So things like which night light did you get for her bedroom? Or did the picture book you made help? But having those first 10 mins to complain really helps. There is no judgment.

In the moment I make it a drinking game. Mom asks a question more that 3 times I start taking a drink of water (in my mind it is vodka). It helps me get my fluid in and somehow the physical action of lifting my glass and drinking gives purpose to her question. Then I sneak a text in to my friend and tell her I would be drunk if it wasn't water.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just ignore. Put headphones on.

What a callous response.

[Anonymous]

I would try to get my dad to tell a story. He also had a paranoia side of dementia, so his stories were pretty out there. Or I would just try to talk on and on to limit his questions.

[Anonymous]

The water reply is excellent - two birds one stone!

[Anonymous]

I just accept that she has no short term memory, and I definitely don't draw any attention to the fact that she just asked me the same thing two minutes ago. Like other posters, I bring it up with friends later, but don't dwell on it. It honestly doesn't bother me that she asks, but it does make me a little sad, which I can't show.