s/o experiences introducing a significant other to your kids?

[Anonymous]

I have been dating a great guy for almost a year and we are considering introducing our kids (2 kids each, all elementary school ages) in about 3 more months. If you've done this, how did it go for you? Did you meet your SO's kids first and then introduce kids to each other? Or do some sort of outing/playdate where everyone meets each other at once?

Very open to any tips or things you would have done differently.

[Anonymous]

Is there a way to meet them without MEETING them? A group event with several friends where the kids are introduced to mom's/ dad's friends, of which you are/ he is one?

My partner was a friend for several years before we coupled up. So my kids knew him through many casual encounters before I told them I LIKED him liked him.

[Anonymous]

Not until you have a ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not until you have a ring.

That's unbelievably dumb. You wouldn't want to see how they get along with the kid before agreeing to marriage?

[Anonymous]

We introduced one kid to SO at a time, and kept it very short. Like two minutes tops. Very slow.

[Anonymous]

Why is it important for them to meet? Ask yourself that and then work backwards.

I would advise against a faux-casual thing where you try to convince them it's not a big deal to meet. It is a big deal, that's why you're asking for advice here. The kids will catch on that you are going to make them spend time together and maybe move in together. Whether they share their true feelings with you or not, they'll know this is a possibility and they may be quite wary.

[Anonymous]

I would not meet all at once. There's too much potential for it to go badly. It's overwhelming. Start with just meeting your boyfriend alone.

Why do you want to do this at all? It's really not necessary. They will likely feel pressured to say they like him, regardless of how they really feel, and apprehensive of what other changes you will impose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not until you have a ring.

That's unbelievably dumb. You wouldn't want to see how they get along with the kid before agreeing to marriage?

Hell no! I’d marry them regardless. Didn’t matter what the kids thought, they’d be gone soon enough!

[Anonymous]

How long have you been divorced? If it's less than 2 years, don't do this.

So you're hoping each of your kids will get along okay with him and each of his kids, and each of his kids will get along okay with each of your kids. That's 12 binary relationships that have to work. Seems like a lot to jump into all at the same time.

At the very least, meet his kids alone and see if anything about them or his parenting is a dealbreaker for you. It's not worth putting your kids through this if you find you don't want to keep dating him.

[Anonymous]

I would meet his kids, then see how his ex reacts, then meet his ex. And then, only after all of that and a little time has passed and you're sure you're ok with all of it, should he meet your kids and the kids all meet. Because it's all fun and games when you're just dating, but when it starts getting real, you get a different view of people and of what life would be like together.

[Anonymous]

Op here thanks for the advice.

I'm meeting the ex before the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been dating a great guy for almost a year and we are considering introducing our kids (2 kids each, all elementary school ages) in about 3 more months. If you've done this, how did it go for you? Did you meet your SO's kids first and then introduce kids to each other? Or do some sort of outing/playdate where everyone meets each other at once?

Very open to any tips or things you would have done differently.

Holy cow, that's waiting a long time for sure. Just get together for a cookout and pool party or something.

You sound like you overthink it and that will make it all awkward and everyone will feel uncomfortable if you do that.

[Anonymous]

My ex introduced my kids to his girlfriend and her kids after 3 months of dating. They met at a park and then went to his house and everyone “had a sleepover.”

Needless to say, I was livid. This explicitly went against our agreement we had agreed on in coparenting therapy. The coparenting therapist quit.

They moved in together after 6 months of dating.

Eventually I was dating and introduced my kids to my boyfriend. That was after we had dated for 6 months. We did not have sleepovers or move in together until 18 months.

[Anonymous]

I would want to go slowly after the initial meeting, so I wouldn't wait till an engagement. I also don't see how I could make a decision about an engagement until I knew how he interacted with my kids.

So, I'd start with something short, and structured. Like he comes over for dinner, stays for an hour and leaves. Or we meet up for a movie, and maybe something fast like a slice of pizza. Or he stops by when we're at the playground. And I'd keep it at that level, doing something specific every couple weeks for an hour or two, for a long time.

Then very slowly move up from there.

I would not do overnights before an engagement at least.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Blended families don’t work. Just be with him and minimize any involvement with the kids until they are done with school. Blending is a ridiculously selfish cliche.