8 yr old cries easily when upset

[Anonymous]

She doesn't tantrum or anything, she's just a cryer. It's how she expresses disappointment, frustration, and anger. Sometimes she pouts a little bit too, but at this point the main thing is she just gets teary. It happens at school sometimes, and what is reported is that tears well up and she will separate herself a bit and cry quietly to herself.

I get it because I am also a cryer.

The problem is that people have very negative reactions to this, and as she gets older the reactions get harsher. She has had an aftercare teacher and several class mates tell her recently that she is "too old" to cry and that she should stop. It's very frustrating for her because it's not something she can control -- emotion rises and her tear ducts fill. It's automatic. The frustration she feels when told not to cry probably makes her cry more.

Any ideas on how to handle this? I don't want to tell her "don't cry" because I view it as a healthy and non-disruptive way for her to express feelings, and I worry that taking that away could actually result in a more dysfunctional response to feelings. Her classroom teachers largely understand that if she cries, the key is to just let her but move on with class and generally she'll stop within a minute or two -- it's the people who draw attention to it and demand she stop where it becomes an issue.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP, but I feel like she's not being singled out -- we also tell kids who express anger when they are frustrated or angry or disappointed to not stomp their feet or ball their fists or yell when they are 8 years old too. I don't know what the right answer is re whether kids should be able to express whatever they are feeling or not, but we don't let kids who react in ways other than crying to just let it all out in extended day either.

[Anonymous]

Poor girl. I think you're doing the right thing by not wanting to tell her "don't cry". Teach her it's OK to cry and there will always be people who tell her not to. Being sensitive is a good trait. Set her up for success by teaching her how to deal with these emotions and that it's OK to have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP, but I feel like she's not being singled out -- we also tell kids who express anger when they are frustrated or angry or disappointed to not stomp their feet or ball their fists or yell when they are 8 years old too. I don't know what the right answer is re whether kids should be able to express whatever they are feeling or not, but we don't let kids who react in ways other than crying to just let it all out in extended day either.

But stomping and yelling is disruptive. Crying silently requires nothing except the ability to accept that one of the students is crying silently during an activity.

What's next, trying to control facial expressions? You can't make a sad or angry face at school, you may only smile or have a natural expression?

Maybe if we told the stomping/yelling kids it was okay to cry or look or act sad or frustrated as long as their behavior wasn't disruptive, they would be less inclined to stomp and yell.

[Anonymous]

^ neutral, not natural

[Anonymous]

Kids that are criers are deeply sensitive. She will need to learn to excuse herself when feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately, those who wear their hearts on their sleeve will be more vulnerable to negative comments. You can role play with her what to say when someone calls her out so that she is prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids that are criers are deeply sensitive. She will need to learn to excuse herself when feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately, those who wear their hearts on their sleeve will be more vulnerable to negative comments. You can role play with her what to say when someone calls her out so that she is prepared.

OP here and thanks for the recommendations, this is a good perspective. She's definitely a sensitive kid. "Deeply feeling" is how I've seen it described.

Can I ask if you know of any resources for role playing how to handle when an authority figure is critical like the after care provider I mentioned? I think she is actually okay with dealing with peers who are critical, but she's already very sensitive to reprimands from authority figures (super rule following, she almost never gets in trouble) so I think this is the trickier one for her. What should I suggest as a solution in these situations? Ask if she can go use the bathroom so that she can be alone? That's the only thing I came up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP, but I feel like she's not being singled out -- we also tell kids who express anger when they are frustrated or angry or disappointed to not stomp their feet or ball their fists or yell when they are 8 years old too. I don't know what the right answer is re whether kids should be able to express whatever they are feeling or not, but we don't let kids who react in ways other than crying to just let it all out in extended day either.

But stomping and yelling is disruptive. Crying silently requires nothing except the ability to accept that one of the students is crying silently during an activity.

What's next, trying to control facial expressions? You can't make a sad or angry face at school, you may only smile or have a natural expression?

Maybe if we told the stomping/yelling kids it was okay to cry or look or act sad or frustrated as long as their behavior wasn't disruptive, they would be less inclined to stomp and yell.

I mean, crying during class or extended day is disruptive too. I'm not arguing that we should tell kids they can't do it. I'm just saying that we don't allow big expressions of emotion of any kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP, but I feel like she's not being singled out -- we also tell kids who express anger when they are frustrated or angry or disappointed to not stomp their feet or ball their fists or yell when they are 8 years old too. I don't know what the right answer is re whether kids should be able to express whatever they are feeling or not, but we don't let kids who react in ways other than crying to just let it all out in extended day either.

But stomping and yelling is disruptive. Crying silently requires nothing except the ability to accept that one of the students is crying silently during an activity.

What's next, trying to control facial expressions? You can't make a sad or angry face at school, you may only smile or have a natural expression?

Maybe if we told the stomping/yelling kids it was okay to cry or look or act sad or frustrated as long as their behavior wasn't disruptive, they would be less inclined to stomp and yell.

I mean, crying during class or extended day is disruptive too. I'm not arguing that we should tell kids they can't do it. I'm just saying that we don't allow big expressions of emotion of any kind.

I don't understand how silent crying is disruptive unless the teacher or another child draws attention to it. I think the problem is that the response can be disruptive (making a big deal out of it, asking what is wrong, etc.) but the behavior itself is no more disruptive than a child frowning or taking deep breaths or looking out the window. The child may be distracted but there's not really any reason for other kids to be distracted by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids that are criers are deeply sensitive. She will need to learn to excuse herself when feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately, those who wear their hearts on their sleeve will be more vulnerable to negative comments. You can role play with her what to say when someone calls her out so that she is prepared.

OP here and thanks for the recommendations, this is a good perspective. She's definitely a sensitive kid. "Deeply feeling" is how I've seen it described.

Can I ask if you know of any resources for role playing how to handle when an authority figure is critical like the after care provider I mentioned? I think she is actually okay with dealing with peers who are critical, but she's already very sensitive to reprimands from authority figures (super rule following, she almost never gets in trouble) so I think this is the trickier one for her. What should I suggest as a solution in these situations? Ask if she can go use the bathroom so that she can be alone? That's the only thing I came up with.

I wouldn’t just have her ask to go to the bathroom. I would teach her to ask, “May I go to the bathroom to compose myself?” I think this will be more empowering for your dd (she’s not going to the bathroom to keep crying) and it will generate a more positive view of her from the authority figure because it’s shows that she has self awareness and is capable of self advocacy and she’s focusing on addressing her emotional regulation, not just hiding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids that are criers are deeply sensitive. She will need to learn to excuse herself when feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately, those who wear their hearts on their sleeve will be more vulnerable to negative comments. You can role play with her what to say when someone calls her out so that she is prepared.

OP here and thanks for the recommendations, this is a good perspective. She's definitely a sensitive kid. "Deeply feeling" is how I've seen it described.

Can I ask if you know of any resources for role playing how to handle when an authority figure is critical like the after care provider I mentioned? I think she is actually okay with dealing with peers who are critical, but she's already very sensitive to reprimands from authority figures (super rule following, she almost never gets in trouble) so I think this is the trickier one for her. What should I suggest as a solution in these situations? Ask if she can go use the bathroom so that she can be alone? That's the only thing I came up with.

I wouldn’t just have her ask to go to the bathroom. I would teach her to ask, “May I go to the bathroom to compose myself?” I think this will be more empowering for your dd (she’s not going to the bathroom to keep crying) and it will generate a more positive view of her from the authority figure because it’s shows that she has self awareness and is capable of self advocacy and she’s focusing on addressing her emotional regulation, not just hiding.

That's a good suggested script, and actually I can see her working up to that. Part of her struggle with authority figures is that she doesn't want to let them down. Giving her a way to address this that is respectful but also pretty adult might appeal to her because she very much wants to be seen as mature. Thanks.