My mom is so difficult to be around

[Anonymous]

My mom is so difficult/annoying to be around. If I invite her to my kids bday parties or school functions, she talks it up in detail with the attending parents. Like soo much. It's annoying. She doesn't give that same attention to my kids, and it is their event. She will even exchange contact info with these parents or ask very detailed questions about where they live or where they went for college/school. So strange and I feel embarrassed.
I've started to limit what I invite her to.

Also when she comes to visit our home, she stays for like 2 hours only (which always includes a meal/eating that we host) and then asks to be dropped off at the home goods store, bc she wants to go shopping and says the home goods in her area isn't as good. It annoys me because she would rather go shopping than spend time with the grandkids.

I don't think she will change. She is 73. She is very self-focused, incessantly talks, doesn't listen or ask any questions about my life or what the kids are up to.


Can anyone else relate? Why is she this way? How do others deal with this?

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. She socializes with the guests and she want to be dropped off to shop. Which part is she difficult to be around? It seems as if you are wanting her to make you and the kids the center if her attention. Which I understand, but she doesn’t sound difficult to be around at all.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she talks and talks and doesn’t listen, doesn’t react or respond to what is happening around her. You can’t have a conversation, it’s just…her.

My mom is similar. She even thinks that asking me questions like “how are you?” Is intrusive—but that’s all I want, for her to be curious about what is going on with me.

She won’t change. Just enjoy what you can about her. My mom has other good qualities I try to focus on.

[Anonymous]

Has she always been this way OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she talks and talks and doesn’t listen, doesn’t react or respond to what is happening around her. You can’t have a conversation, it’s just…her.

My mom is similar. She even thinks that asking me questions like “how are you?” Is intrusive—but that’s all I want, for her to be curious about what is going on with me.

She won’t change. Just enjoy what you can about her. My mom has other good qualities I try to focus on.

This. She's an extrovert with bad listening skills unless she's sure she's going to get a positive feedback loop. She likes to talk to low stakes people because they are more superficial like her in conversation. It's typical of many women her age.

[Anonymous]

Easy. Don't invite her.

Does she have social outlets apart from your social gatherings?

[Anonymous]

She’s not going to change. You are disappointed because you keep expecting a different personality to show up. This is who she is and what she has in her to connect with you. Can you accept that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is so difficult/annoying to be around. If I invite her to my kids bday parties or school functions, she talks it up in detail with the attending parents. Like soo much. It's annoying. She doesn't give that same attention to my kids, and it is their event. She will even exchange contact info with these parents or ask very detailed questions about where they live or where they went for college/school. So strange and I feel embarrassed.
I've started to limit what I invite her to.

Also when she comes to visit our home, she stays for like 2 hours only (which always includes a meal/eating that we host) and then asks to be dropped off at the home goods store, bc she wants to go shopping and says the home goods in her area isn't as good. It annoys me because she would rather go shopping than spend time with the grandkids.

I don't think she will change. She is 73. She is very self-focused, incessantly talks, doesn't listen or ask any questions about my life or what the kids are up to.

Can anyone else relate? Why is she this way? How do others deal with this?

Do you think she picks up on the fact that you find her difficult to be around? Maybe she feels like an imposition or duty. So she makes it s painless as possible, you don’t even have to take her all the way home- she has you drop her off at a nearby store.

How did she react when you told her that you would like her to ask questions about your life or what the kids are up to?
How many hours a day does she spend alone? Do you think she talks incessantly because she is nervous or out of practice?

[Anonymous]

The other parents are her "supply". You all are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other parents are her "supply". You all are not.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. She socializes with the guests and she want to be dropped off to shop. Which part is she difficult to be around? It seems as if you are wanting her to make you and the kids the center if her attention. Which I understand, but she doesn’t sound difficult to be around at all.

This. She is not the grandmother you want her to be, but she doesn't sound difficult to be around. My mother also makes small talk with random strangers. In her case I think it's because she doesn't have any social outlet, which is not that uncommon at her age (early 80s). My mom also doesn't ask about our lives and shows only a passing interest in her grandchildren (has never come to their school or sport events), but she is also unpleasant to be around, quick to anger, no filter, very negative, so we limit visits. I'm not even sure how much we'd visit if we didn't want to see my father and other relatives.

[Anonymous]

She sounds fine to me, and fairly normal. With the exception of exchanging numbers etc with the other parents…I do find that weird unless there is a specific reason. I’d probably ask her not to.

Not all grandparents are hands on with young kids…

[Anonymous]

If you are worried that other guests are annoyed, I wouldn’t really worry about it. It seems all of the grandmas are like this. I don’t really mind talking to them for a bit, and just move on after awhile. Most have parents or other elderly relatives, and we “get it”.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this. I invite her to family stuff (unless the in-laws are coming, bc they don't get along) but I leave her out of stuff with the kid's' school or friend stuff like bday parties. I don't tell her about the stuff she isn't invited to bc it would needlessly hurt her feelings. She can't interact with people on a small-talk level and shares overly personal things or brings up hot-button topics like immigration. So I don't feel bad excluding her from non-family stuff, but I try and spare her feelings by keeping those events quiet.