Being OK alone

[Anonymous]

I left a physically abusive marriage 5 years ago. I’ve dated son the time since and feel like it’s just not worth effort. I have one child who I had hoped to remarry and model a more positive relationship for. I no longer think that is in the cards.

I want to become content with aging in partnered. Anyone else been on this journey? I need advice for how to pull this off. Any role models, books, or influencers I should look to? I’m open to all words of wisdom, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Whether you're in a relationship or not, you should always try to be content with yourself and happy in your own company, and to model that for your kids so they have it, too. You're not promised a relationship. You may not always have a good friend living locally, your partner who swore they'd be there through thick and thin may change their mind (or leave due to circumstances outside their control), you may not live near family/relatives... But you've always got you.

There's not likely to be an influencer who can tell you how to be content with yourself, though I'm sure you're gonna find a few who'd like to sell you something that they say will help. You really just need to accept you. All of you. Get comfortable with your unpleasant side, your temper, your impatience, your messiness. Befriend the things your ex hated about you. Befriend your inner child, even though it sounds like therapy-speak and woo. Go to actual therapy if any of this reveals hangups. Bring awareness to your addictions (you have at least one, we all do, if we're being honest). Throw out what doesn't serve you, physically and personality-wise. Travel alone. Dine alone. Pick up a weird hobby and meet new, weird people. Allow yourself to make new community that will support a new version of you. Hang on to the dear, old friends who will go along with you on that ride. Let go of relationships you've outgrown, not in a discarding kind of way, but with gratitude for the lessons previous version of you learned in those dynamics.

Model loving yourself REALLY well. Nobody does. Influencers try to tell us it's about salon trips, buying a new purse, fancy bath products... None of that shite matters. Show your kid how to like themselves through hard times, and trust that good times come and go just like hard times do. Be the role model you need, and don't be afraid to let your kid see that whole messy process and not just the so-called "finished" version. Your kid will face hard times and bad relationships, too. If not a partner, then a friend or a boss... show them what self-love and self-respect can do in those situations.