Introvert in a family full of extroverts

[Anonymous]

I am the sole introvert in my small, nuclear family. While throughout my life I've always had at least a few friends and present as a "friendly" person I'm someone who really needs and values time to myself to re-charge. I just don't have the energy or desire for a lot of social activities with a ton of people particularly because I have a job where I'm around and interacting with people all day. I prefer getting together with friends on a 1:1 basis or in small groups.

I know intellectually this is fine and just how I'm wired but my parents and sister are big extroverts and my entire life I have been judged by them. My sister was the favorite and my parents openly compared me negatively to her throughout my entire childhood. In spite of lots of therapy I still struggle with feeling like a loser in comparison. My sister is a high achiever and has more money and a more prestigious job than I do while also having a "the perfect family"-a husband who is also in a high prestige position and a boy and girl who are also high achieving extroverts.

I like my quiet life-I have a good marriage, a decent job, a daughter who I love dearly and friends (not a ton but some) but I'm not my sister and as much as I try I feel bad about myself because of that. My sister has made joking passive aggressive comments to me regarding me being a loner-I have called her out on this and she apologized but being around her is hard. My parents are both very elderly at this point-I confronted them years ago regarding the negative comparisons throughout childhood and to make a long story short it was not helpful.

Anyone else in a similar situation? Just looking for thoughts and perspectives. I see my family about every other month and afterwards I feel really down about myself and drained. They are very status-oriented people in addition to being huge extroverts and I know they look down on me. My daughter gets along fine with them thankfully-it's important for me that she have relationships with her cousins, aunt, grandparents, etc. but honestly I don't feel connected to them and dread family events.

[Anonymous]

I would go back to the therapist and develop a game plan for your visits. This should just take one or two appointments.

[Anonymous]

What PP said. I’d also be wary of encouraging your DD to be close to these people. Whenever she disappoints them, they’ll treat her how they treat you. Do you want to expose her to that?

[Anonymous]

I’d let your husband take your daughter to family visits every other time. And each time your family makes a comment I’d tell them “it’s comments like these that make me hate spending time with you. Is that your goal?”

[Anonymous]

Why does your family know about your social events and whether you attend or not? You have said you are an introvert and I imagine you are very comfortable with that tag. Accept who you are and don’t let people make you feel bad.

The high achieving thing is much different. Do not roll these into one. Maybe your family is simply mean. Stay away from them.

[Anonymous]

Why do family members put down the people they supposedly love?? I don’t get it.

Tell them bluntly “that was unnecessary and unkind. the next time you hurt my feelings with a comment like that, im not coming back” and then stay away until they apologize.

[Anonymous]

I would make the visits short and infrequent if they are making you unhappy. I’m an introvert and I find extroverts who don’t “get” introverts exhausting. Read “Quiet” for a reminder about the value of us introverts.

[Anonymous]

OP here-thank you for the thoughtful responses. To clarify they have been nothing but kind and loving towards my DD. And the "loner" comments from my sister have stopped. My parents still occasionally say things to me-I call them out on it but when I do they say they are "joking" and I'm accused of being too sensitive. It is what it is and they are who are they are. I need to continue to work on my mindset and limiting my time spent with them. Those neural pathways run deep-I find myself negatively comparing myself to my sister without even really thinking about it even when I haven't seen her recently-negative thoughts just pop into my head. Hard to believe I'm middle aged and still struggling with it in spite of all of the work I have done in therapy, self help books, etc.

[Anonymous]

So much good advice. I highly recommend “Quiet”.

I’m an introvert as my mom was, but she spent my childhood trying to make me change—message was “ you’re not ok the way you are”. Keep the positive self-talk going and limit your time with family when you need to.

[Anonymous]

I have parents that throw me for a loop whenever I see them. Since they're unchangeable I avoid them. Yours might have more redeeming features, which makes it harder.

[Anonymous]

Ask Chat GPT to come up with some comebacks for you. I got:
"I’m not a loner, I just don’t need a crowd to feel important. Must be exhausting needing an audience 24/7."

[Anonymous]

Op, focus your energy on seeing those you truly want to see one-on-one. Yes sometimes you have to see all of everybody. But not always. Not because someone else says so. Lessen big get togethers in favor of being the one in control of your time, and being the one to decide with whom you advance a relationship.

Having said that, drop the introvert narrative. It does no good to box yourself-in with that description. Instead embrace that you are entitled to a preference and you are entitled to act on a preference.