Seconday Infertility- It's hard, too

[Anonymous]

I really appreciate this board, and the support.

I just wanted to say that as someone experiencing secondary infertility, it would really be helpful to me if there was an acknowledgement that it too is a big deal.

Yes, somethings may be (hugely) better, I completely acknowledge that -- but please realize, some things about it are just different (and perhaps even harder. It's true in my experience; please don't flame me for this). I really think it's one of those "unless you've been there yourself you can't judge" things.

Sometimes I feel excluded not just from the "fertile" club but from the "infertile" club because I have a child already. YES, I am overwhelmingly grateful. But I think we've all been in enough situations in which someone has told us "well at least you [can adopt, play with your nieces, etc] to not have the pain of what we're going through minimized to recognize that someone saying "you're fine, you have a son, aren't you grateful?" esp. from the infertile crowd can be particularly devistating.

[Anonymous]

I am experiencing secondary infertility (2mcs after my dd) but I have never felt the way you describe.... I think women going through if akbowledge that it is also very hard for me

[Anonymous]

I had primary infertility, and am now doing ivf for secondary. For me, primary was worse, but I have found most women in my circle (primary and secondary infertiles) to be sympathetic (they know it took a lot for me to have #1). Maybe you should look for a support group (i think RESOLVE used to have one for secondary sufferers). There is no need to feel so alone -a lot of us have been down that road, and know how hard any kind of infertility is. You just have to find us.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you may need to find people who are secondary infertiles -this is a pretty touchy topic with primary infertiles...from their perspective, they may never get to be parents, so while they may have some sympathy, they may find your comments insensitive.

Secondary infertiles will understand the feelings you have, and you will be less likely to unknowingly step on their toes in the process.

Believe it or not, there are many women suffering from secondary infertility, especially in this area where many of us have waited longer to start families.

Hang in there and good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I definitely don't mean to be insensitive. That's actually what I am trying to say. Sometimes it seems that in order to not be judged as insensitive i am supposed to acknolwedge people saying their situation is much worse than mine, which you just cant say.

Apprecaite the pointers to resources.

[Anonymous]

OP I can totally relate to what you're feeling I was a primary IF patient and was blessed with a DD as a result of natural cycle IVF (first try) and now I'm just as desperate for the second and I am so disappointed that it hasn't happened as easily as the first.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate OP's post. I think it is useful to make the point that secondary IF is just a different beast from primary - no better or worse, just different.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you may be expecting something from this board that you may not get. By that I guess I mean some kind of validation. I understand where you are coming from because I recently terminated for medical reasons and when I initially posted on this board about that, I did not get the response I was maybe hoping for. The reality is that there probably aren't many women on the board in your shoes (or mine), so you may not find the kind of support you are looking for here.

And you know what, there are always a few nutjobs who would actually flame you for having kids or me for being fertile as somehow being insensitive to them, so I guess it's all relative. Most people are really only interested in their own problems, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you may be expecting something from this board that you may not get. By that I guess I mean some kind of validation. I understand where you are coming from because I recently terminated for medical reasons and when I initially posted on this board about that, I did not get the response I was maybe hoping for. The reality is that there probably aren't many women on the board in your shoes (or mine), so you may not find the kind of support you are looking for here.

And you know what, there are always a few nutjobs who would actually flame you for having kids or me for being fertile as somehow being insensitive to them, so I guess it's all relative. Most people are really only interested in their own problems, I guess.

Really? Because several women with secondary infertility have posted. I think you are trying to start your own sort of flame war here.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, I've found this to be one of the most supportive boards on DCUM (although I realize that's not always hard to do give how catty some of the other boards can be). But it is a small community -- OP, you may want to look elsewhere on the web for secondary IF resources (blogs, ivfconnections.com). The stirrup queens website has a good list of blogs on IF.

[Anonymous]

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from. I have had three miscarriages and two failed ART cycles since DC was born. We're getting ready to give up. When you experience secondary infertility, it's like you don't fit in anywhere. You still have to go to the baby stores and play dates for DC #1 where pregnant women are a constant reminder. At least, before I had a child, I had a lot of single and childless friends and I could avoid places that made me feel uncomfortable. The other day I got together with some women who are all pregnant from DC's playgroup and it was all pregnancy talk. I might as well have been a piece of furniture. The worst part is, they were saying things to their kids like "are you excited to be a big sister" and "what do you want, a brother or sister?" right in front of my DC who is old enough to understand what they were saying but not old enough to understand why I'm not having another. It was so insensitive and I came home and just cried my eyes out. Anyway, I know how you feel.

[Anonymous]

I'm another one working my way through secondary infertility, and I know how you feel. I've been lucky to find a few others who have been wonderfuly supportive -- mainly friends who went through ART for DC#1 and are now either trying for DC#2 or already went through the process for DC#2 and came out the other side. But I've also kept much of this to myself, ESPECIALLY with friends who I know are struggling to have DC#1.

My advice is to remember that you're not at all alone -- so many of us are also dealing with secondary infertility, and are very supportive. BUT there are many more on this board who are just not in a place right now to be as empathetic. To me, this is perfectly understandable, and I don't think it's right to expect or even ask everyone to be supportive of secondary infertility issues given what they're dealing with right now.

Anyway, I think a secondary infertility support group or message board would be your best bet. Same if you can talk with friends who've been through secondary infertility and now have a second (and/or third!) child in their family.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP you are definitely not alone, my DH and I have had a tougher time trying for DC#2. Hang in there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really appreciate this board, and the support.

I just wanted to say that as someone experiencing secondary infertility, it would really be helpful to me if there was an acknowledgement that it too is a big deal.

Yes, somethings may be (hugely) better, I completely acknowledge that -- but please realize, some things about it are just different (and perhaps even harder. It's true in my experience; please don't flame me for this). I really think it's one of those "unless you've been there yourself you can't judge" things.

Sometimes I feel excluded not just from the "fertile" club but from the "infertile" club because I have a child already. YES, I am overwhelmingly grateful. But I think we've all been in enough situations in which someone has told us "well at least you [can adopt, play with your nieces, etc] to not have the pain of what we're going through minimized to recognize that someone saying "you're fine, you have a son, aren't you grateful?" esp. from the infertile crowd can be particularly devistating.

OP: I just had DD after experiencing 2 years of Infertility. DD was conceived after a long string of fertility treatments and ultimately IVF. I used to get so angry when people would compare secondary infertility to primary. You know, the whole "you already have one kid so be grateful" kind of sentiment. Now my perspective has changed 110% because I know I'll be considered secondary infertility when I start to TTC for DC#2. All I can say is that as isolating as primary IF is, secondary is much more so.
I live in the area and blog about my experience. You can find my blog (and many others with secondary IF) through the Stirrup Queens website. GL!

[woodyanita]

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