Dealing with a totally unhinged person

[Anonymous]

There’s a friend in our group who has created utter chaos and drama over being left out of a small, unimportant get together last week. She hardly keeps in touch with the group and didn’t show up to the last few things and someone had a party and did not include her. The last text I even received from her was several months ago so I felt this was a huge over reaction when she hasn’t been engaged in the group at all. She’s had meetings and calls with 6 of us and I feel so much anxiety even dealing with someone like this. Every call is charged with accusations and conspiracy theories on what this happened and the simple truth is most of just don’t talk to her much and she’s not at the top of our mind.

I grew up in a household like this so it’s very triggering and reminds me of my own mother who often had major conflicts with friends and family. What’s the best way to not engage in this and move past this and really put this person on the back burner in my life? I’ve had trouble even sleeping the past week because it bothers me. I can’t really explain why but this feeling of someone creating so much drama and chaos is unnerving especially since I do see this person through Church and some clubs I’m involved with.

[Anonymous]

Just keep repeating "I hope you can move on from this". Change the subject. Walk away. That is all. I would not take her calls and I'd explain that I'd heard the nature of her calls from others and I am not interested. She can come/not come to events but you do not have the energy to litigate her processing of such superficial matters.

[Anonymous]

Slow fade since she can’t be mature. You don’t even need to discuss with the others, they all know she’s nuts too.

[Anonymous]

In my head, I would be thinking, “I wasn’t the hostess, so why involve me?” In reality, I would remind her that we all don’t get invited to everything. Steer clear of her—she’s cray.

[Anonymous]

If meditation works for you, there are loving-kindness meditations that could be helpful. Here’s a link that provides some basic info: https://thebuddhistcentre.com/text/loving-kindness-meditation

[Anonymous]

Just cut her out of the group. She is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just cut her out of the group. She is insane.

+1
Most people come lie low and come onto DCUM with threads like "Why Was I Left Out"? And everyone reminds them all the reasons and tells them to either suck it up or get better friends. AFAIK there's not been advice to go full accusatory firestorm at the organizers/participants. Sane people don't do that or advise that.

[Anonymous]

"Well, you've been out of touch for awhile, and perhaps Jen thought you would not want to be included. Continuing to escalate this is likely to get you not invited in the future, and that's going to be my last word to you on the topic."

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you are triggered. My stepmother is BPD and it definitely leaves a scar (worse for my stepsibs than me).

The more you ignore and don’t react to her the better. Just be totally bland and nonresponsive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Well, you've been out of touch for awhile, and perhaps Jen thought you would not want to be included. Continuing to escalate this is likely to get you not invited in the future, and that's going to be my last word to you on the topic."

This adds fuel to the borderline fire. I’d just not respond at all. if it is in person and you cannot avoid it, you just say “Hmm I see. Oh well.” And change subject.

[Anonymous]

Ignore her and her calls. Play dumb and walk away if she comes up yo you in person. And don’t invite her in the future.

[Anonymous]

The person felt left out so why not just include her in the future and then there would be no problem? Have some empathy. She is trying to figure out why she was left out because obviously you are not acting like a friend here. Either treat her like a friend or tell her why you don’t want to be friends. All of the advice to slow fade is just mean girl drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Well, you've been out of touch for awhile, and perhaps Jen thought you would not want to be included. Continuing to escalate this is likely to get you not invited in the future, and that's going to be my last word to you on the topic."

This adds fuel to the borderline fire. I’d just not respond at all. if it is in person and you cannot avoid it, you just say “Hmm I see. Oh well.” And change subject.

Eh. Sometimes you have to bluntly deliver the truth before you grey rock someone.

[Anonymous]

Why are so many of you (I assume grown adults) suggesting passive aggressive behavior? It’s childish and wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many of you (I assume grown adults) suggesting passive aggressive behavior? It’s childish and wrong.

I would fade you out as a friend. Your perspective is one-sided. You’re coming in hot and judgmental. I wouldn’t bother trying to get you to understand. It wouldn’t be worth it for something like this. No one is obligated to be a friend or to argue with someone else’s definition of mature and right. If friends are arguing over these things, it’s better for the relationship to end.