Help! How can I support DH after a work disappointment?

[Anonymous]

Help! DH just called to tell me that he was passed over for a lateral promotion (different workload, same pay/benefits) that he’s been working his butt off in hopes of getting. He’s feeling very defeated and deflated, and I’m feeling really bad for him. The most ironic part is he was actively working on an extra task that he picked up in order to look like a motivated team player! You can’t win for losing.

What can I do to cheer him up? (Other than sex and BJs, because I know that’ll be suggested every other post. It’s covered ) I can be an ear to listen as he vents. But what else? Any advice from someone who has been there/done that?

Also, I know he’s going to ask my advice on what to do about stepping up and taking on extra work like he’s been doing, going forward. I have no clue what to say that is unbiased.

[Anonymous]

Best thing he can do is to ask the hiring manager for honest feedback about why he was passed over. Does he need more experience in an area, better executive presence, or is he considered too valuable to his current team to be "stolen" by another department? If he can get that honest feedback (and it's probably only about a 25% chance he will), that will let him know whether he should stay and try to move up, or whether it might be time to move on to a new company.

[Anonymous]

It will just take time for him to recover from the disappointment. That’s true for everyone. Just be there to listen and provide a soft place to land.

In terms of advice, encourage him to take on projects that aren’t just and extension or additional hours of work already being done, but rather something that shows his ability to lead the org or company in a new/innovative/on strategy direction. I fear too many people think just working extra hours is going to get them noticed for a better role. Help him think about that “thing” that will really differentiate him among his colleagues.

Hope he’s feeling better soon and best of luck to you both!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help! DH just called to tell me that he was passed over for a lateral promotion (different workload, same pay/benefits) that he’s been working his butt off in hopes of getting. He’s feeling very defeated and deflated, and I’m feeling really bad for him. The most ironic part is he was actively working on an extra task that he picked up in order to look like a motivated team player! You can’t win for losing.

What can I do to cheer him up? (Other than sex and BJs, because I know that’ll be suggested every other post. It’s covered ) I can be an ear to listen as he vents. But what else? Any advice from someone who has been there/done that?

Also, I know he’s going to ask my advice on what to do about stepping up and taking on extra work like he’s been doing, going forward. I have no clue what to say that is unbiased.

You can feel bad for him, but you should also think about your own future. Is he really going to be the person you imagined when you married him? Has he disappointed you to some degree? Is it time to start considering exit options? You deserve better, so you probably shouldn't waste any time.

[Anonymous]

why did he want a lateral promotion for the same pay?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't give advice other than to take some time to think it over and wait for initial intense feelings to die down so he can think clearly.

[Anonymous]

I mean if he picked up one extra task to look like a motivated team player is it any shock he didn't get this role? What is the person who got the role doing differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thing he can do is to ask the hiring manager for honest feedback about why he was passed over. Does he need more experience in an area, better executive presence, or is he considered too valuable to his current team to be "stolen" by another department? If he can get that honest feedback (and it's probably only about a 25% chance he will), that will let him know whether he should stay and try to move up, or whether it might be time to move on to a new company.

Thanks. Yes, he has already scheduled a meeting for tomorrow. He thinks he knows why, and the reason: the hiring manager selected his good friend. So now he’s feeling a little worse because merit clearly made no difference in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will just take time for him to recover from the disappointment. That’s true for everyone. Just be there to listen and provide a soft place to land.

In terms of advice, encourage him to take on projects that aren’t just and extension or additional hours of work already being done, but rather something that shows his ability to lead the org or company in a new/innovative/on strategy direction. I fear too many people think just working extra hours is going to get them noticed for a better role. Help him think about that “thing” that will really differentiate him among his colleagues.

Hope he’s feeling better soon and best of luck to you both!

No, he was taking on new types of work and even leadership roles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why did he want a lateral promotion for the same pay?

Different, new type of workload. Promotion isn’t the right word, I guess, but I wasn’t sure what else to use. He would be moved to a different division.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing he can do is to ask the hiring manager for honest feedback about why he was passed over. Does he need more experience in an area, better executive presence, or is he considered too valuable to his current team to be "stolen" by another department? If he can get that honest feedback (and it's probably only about a 25% chance he will), that will let him know whether he should stay and try to move up, or whether it might be time to move on to a new company.

Thanks. Yes, he has already scheduled a meeting for tomorrow. He thinks he knows why, and the reason: the hiring manager selected his good friend. So now he’s feeling a little worse because merit clearly made no difference in this case.

Another take on that is, it's not about him. The only thing he controls is what he put into the process - he has no control over whether someone else is more qualified, had a better resume, had a better relationship with the hiring manager, etc. When applying for a job you only control one side of the decision making process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean if he picked up one extra task to look like a motivated team player is it any shock he didn't get this role? What is the person who got the role doing differently?

I didn’t mean to imply that. He’s been taking on a lot of new/different work and even some leadership roles. He was working on a special project he volunteered to tackle when nobody else was willing, when he got the news. He just told me the hiring manager selected a friend for the position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing he can do is to ask the hiring manager for honest feedback about why he was passed over. Does he need more experience in an area, better executive presence, or is he considered too valuable to his current team to be "stolen" by another department? If he can get that honest feedback (and it's probably only about a 25% chance he will), that will let him know whether he should stay and try to move up, or whether it might be time to move on to a new company.

Thanks. Yes, he has already scheduled a meeting for tomorrow. He thinks he knows why, and the reason: the hiring manager selected his good friend. So now he’s feeling a little worse because merit clearly made no difference in this case.

Another take on that is, it's not about him. The only thing he controls is what he put into the process - he has no control over whether someone else is more qualified, had a better resume, had a better relationship with the hiring manager, etc. When applying for a job you only control one side of the decision making process.

This is so true; I agree. Any advice on how to get him to see this? Or is it too fresh and I shouldn’t even try.

[Anonymous]

No toxic positivity. Allow him to be sad.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a friend who can join you for a threesome? I think thats the best thing you can do for your DH. Find another woman and surprise him. HE will be happy he never got the promotion.