If you have mom guilt, how do you manage it?

[Anonymous]

DD is in 6th grade and failed the reading SOL. We are in the process of getting her privately evaluated.
I am kicking myself because I should have followed my gut.
I think I have always known something was off but at the same time thought if I just worked harder with her she would do better at school. There was always some other reason why she wasn’t performing like her peers according to others and I kind of just settled for it.

When she was a late talker it was because “she sucked her thumb” and that was getting in the way of her speech (Said to me by a SLP who was working with DD at 18 months)
When she was right on the cusp of the number of words she should be saying as a toddler. it was because we were multilingual home.
When she was struggling to blend words; I thought it was because I was doing a poor job teacher her.
When she wasn’t getting great iready scores, it was because she was just confused by how the test worked (Kindergarten teacher) and I told myself it was because I didn’t send her to a preschool that set her up for literacy success in elementary.
When she wasn’t spelling like she should have been, it’s because she missed most of first grade due to COVID and then had a full virtual year of second grade.
When she performed poorly in the iready again in later years; it was because she speaks two languages at home (said fifth grade teacher).
When she struggled with the reading SOL in fifth grade, it’s because she falls for all the tricky questions on the test.
Even in sixth grade with a failed reading SOL, her teacher says there isn’t evidence to indicate that she may have a learning disability despite being in a reading intervention group all year and is working with her at home in test taking strategies and content.
I am finally following my gut and getting her tested but I am beating myself really really badly about how long it’s taken me to get here.
If you have mom guilt, how do you manage it?

[Anonymous]

You did nothing wrong -- you followed the guidance of people who should know better but who are incentivized to downplay the possibility of a learning disability.

Now that you know there's a problem, you're taking the necessary steps. Great job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did nothing wrong -- you followed the guidance of people who should know better but who are incentivized to downplay the possibility of a learning disability.

Now that you know there's a problem, you're taking the necessary steps. Great job!

Thanks! I just keep feeling like I failed her when deep down I knew something wasn’t right. She has been doing her part working so so so hard! Every teacher’s first comment every time I meet with them is “She is such a hard worker” … and I feel like I just let this happen without giving her the support she needed.
Really struggling with it the last couple of days.
Reminding myself that I had the best intentions for her. I only knew what I knew and was being told.
It’s just tough to manage the emotions

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she has a clear language based disability. Get her ASDEC and speech therapy. You can do evlas for those while you wait and get started. And yes the window is closing here. If she can’t really read and I bet she can’t, you need to act fast. Don’t waste time ruminating. Just get her help quickly now.

[Anonymous]

You have to learn to forgive yourself. Mom guilt/regret is a useless emotion. You can't change the past or do anything about what led you to this point. What matters is that something is being done now. Beating yourself up does nothing except make you feel like crap it's hard to let it go and reframe your mind, but every time you start to think of the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" you need to stop and say "ok but I'm doing something about it now so it's ok".

[Anonymous]

You can't live life looking in the rear view mirror. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. I know it's hard, but try to keep looking foward.

[Anonymous]

When you figure out how to meet their needs, kids Darcy up to their potential. Lost time isn't permanent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you figure out how to meet their needs, kids catch up to their potential. Lost time isn't permanent.

[Anonymous]

We’re a multilingual home with lots of other factors going on, such as trauma. Trying to pick apart which factor is causing what problem is almost impossible. Give yourself and the professionals grace. Everyone is an imperfect human doing the best that they can. My sibling got their disability diagnosed in April of their senior year. You are light years ahead of my mom. Your DD has time to catch up before high school. And she’s got a great mom to help her get there.

[Anonymous]

Don’t beat yourself up. These things aren’t easy to tease out. Get more info, get her the supports she needs. You do the best you can with the information you have at the time

[Anonymous]

I try to stay present focused as others mention and day to day focused. I also allow myself some time to feel the guilt, analyze it and process it, figure out what set it off and accept that it will revisit, but I don't have time to let it control me. If I don't tame it, it will sabotage things now. I try to use it to push me now and not let it knock me down. It's tough. I also try to focus on all the good things I have done for my child and give myself grace. It's a balance.

[Anonymous]

After DS dyslexia diagnosis, also in 6th, there were a number of teachers who told me in conversation that they realized he had dyslexia. In the IEP meetings, the same teachers claim to know nothing. I am angry at the system that allows this kind of cover-up. My anger drowns out any guilt.

[Anonymous]

You will feel better after you have processed the results of the testing and set up supports. But it sucks right now and I hear that and have been there. Give yourself grace. You are doing a great job seeking out testing.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP for this post! When I wrote this, I was TRULY in a dark place. I felt like such a terrible mom and felt that I had failed my daughter.

Fast forward to one year and DD has passed the SOL and not scraped by, she passed it with a solid score.

So much has led to this moment, we got a dyslexia diagnosis, started working with an ASDEC tutor 3 times a week, got accommodations including AUDIO for the SOL, I worked with DD on supporting her LA assignments by reviewing at home and helped her understand more how her brain works.

Last year, I remember the PURE heartbreak when I told her she had failed. Today, I cannot wait to pick her up from school and tell her the great news.

I share this because this community was instrumental to this moment. I felt so supported by all of you, got so many questions answered and no longer felt alone on an island.

If you are out there, feeling like I did last year, I am here to tell you that with the right support and accommodations things can get better! AND do not beat yourself up, you are doing your best and will continue to do your best for your kiddo.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad to see this update, OP!!!

For others whose kids have failed an SOL - I know you don't want to put your kid through a retake but that is often the only time they are given explicit test-taking strategies. My AUDHD kid failed the 8th grade English SOL after many years of teetering on the edge of passing. He met with his English teacher 2-3 times, retook the SOL a week later and his score jumped 50 points. He went on to pass all his HS SOLs.