the unspoken anxiety

[Anonymous]

I'm sure it's been said and has come up before, about feeling that inner anxiety/stress/possible shame. I'm in later 30s, so of course no pressure with timing. Among my friends, I'm among the last who has yet to have a child. My SIL has one, and probably another is coming not long from now. No family member has said anything directly to me yet, but I feel the pressure, the anticipation as an undercurrent among everyone. I know doesn't help to feel/think that, but I'm sure they are. DH and I are soon married 5 yrs, and anyway, we (mostly I) definitely weren't ready for a child earlier (and with clock ticking, seems we shouldn't wait much longer). We (again, mostly I) had a lot of job stress, and that was a big factor. I just feel very behind in life, though I know many women are struggling along at different stages.

[Anonymous]

I hope you can find peace with this. Hopefully ou can even celebrate your good judgment and be comfortable and confident with the choices you and DH have made together so far. There's no such thing as being behind in life, really. It's not a race, and people follow all sorts of different paths. I say just be yourself and aim to do what's right for you all. The people who love you will support whatever you choose.

On that note, if you feel like you're ready to start a family, then by all means, go for it at 30. But if you don't feel ready, why not take your time and consider it again in six months or a year. There are so many of us who've had children in our late 30s and beyond. It's not always easy, of course. But then again, sometimes (less often) it is.

Either way, I think it's VERY important to feel confident and comfortable in your own skin before you become a parent. If my 30 year old self could see me now at 38, she'd be amazed and impressed and downright thrilled. Again, it's really not a race.

If possible, try to relax and enjoy who and where you are in life. From there, you can make a goood decision about when to start TTC.

Peace and hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP, first question, "Are you and your husband in agreement that you want kids?" If the answer is yes, then you need to start having the conversation about TTC. I'm not saying throw away the birth control tomorrow, but as you know the clock is ticking.

Here is my story. I got pregnant at 18 and had an abortion. I got pregnant at 32 (birth control failure) and had an abortion. (no need for comment here about my choices) I wrongly assumed that I was so fertile that I could wait until I was 45 and it would be no problem. My husband and I weren't even sure we wanted kids when we got married. (34 (me) and 36 (him)) We decided to try and see what would happen. I didn't get pregnant right away. Over the course of trying we realized we really wanted kids. I went to my Ob/Gyn for the preliminary tests. I had an HSG and got pregnant 2 months shy of my 40th birthday, after trying about 6 months. We had to terminate that pregnancy due to a fatal defect. It was devastating and still is. More cruelty, the particular defect was not age related.

FF to the present. I haven't been able to get pregnant again. I've been through 2 rounds of fertility drugs with timed intercourse and 3 rounds of IVF. I'm now 42 and we are moving on to donor eggs.

I don't say this to scare you. I'm not saying this will happen to you. I have close friends that got pregnant the old fashioned way over 40.

Here is my take, no one is truly ready to have a child. No one's career is perfect. Life will never be stress free. The timing will never be perfect. You will never have enough money to have a child. I don't know anyone who regrets having the child once the baby is here. People figure it out.

I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I haven't been able to get pregnant after the age of 38. Luckily, I had a child at 36 so I am not childless, just lacking the family that I want (which really sucks, but I think most people would say not as much as never being able to do it).

Here's my experience. When I was trying for, and pregnant with, my child, I was fairly laid back. I just didn't realize until after I became a mother how precious it all is, how much I would change and grow from the experience, and how much I love being a mother. (And I am someone with a good amount of professional and other achievements, hobbies, etc., so it is not as if motherhood is the only thing in my life that could fulfill me.) I think it is sometimes hard to understand until you do it. But I have a number of friends who weren't sure about parenthood, and none of them regrets it now.

But then the other piece of the puzzle is how much a genetic connection means to you, because for some people it means just about everything and for others not much at all. I'm not sure how you figure this out ahead of time, but if you are totally open to using donor eggs without grieving the loss of using your own eggs then waiting is not much of an issue.

[Anonymous]

Hi ladies, I'm the OP. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and for your support and encouragement. I was moved to read what all of you have gone through, and it definitely gives valuable perspective.

I've always been too hard on myself, and that can be good (e.g., perform harder at work, output hopefully is reflected in that, etc). But a major downside is that I'm clearly not in a relaxed state (emotionally, physically). I know each of our trajectories is unique, and like with anything, it may not really help to compare ourselves others. Certainly not in the case of family planning, if it is adding undue stress.

But ... as we all know, when the clock/age is a factor, it's unavoidable not to worry. It will take some time to "reform" the way I think, to not feel as I do (behind in life, regrets). Hopefully I will navigate my path with an improved outlook ... Again, I truly appreciate hearing from all of you.

[Anonymous]

(sorry, compare ourselves "with" others ...)

[Anonymous]

(talk about not relaxed! ... unavoidable to worry, is of course what I meant...)

[Anonymous]

(OP again) I wanted add (promise I won't make a mistake in this note!) ... One factor that I've found unsettling personally, in trying to not be affected by things around me, is what seems to be almost a type of "communication blackout" among people I know.

Some (e.g., 2 close friends) have shared what they're going through (one is TTC, the other not yet), but others I know, say more old than close friends, it's suspicious that communication has waned ... I saw some indirect "news" from a Facebook post (I'm not on there a lot, and dislike that venue in some ways -- another story!) that a friend who is a year younger, already with one child, seems to be expecting again. Again, based on a couple of comments from I assume 2 of *her* closer friends. Another example, a friend last year never told me she was expecting, and I only heard about it when she gave birth. (I'm living quite a distance from my hometown, so e-communication/phone calls are the main source of news.)

In any case, this type of silence mode, it just makes the anxiety more palpable, to me, that life-changing events are working out all around me, and here I am worrying, feeling as I do. I guess if it were me, given the various risks associated with pregnancy and older age, I also may not communicate as much. It just takes me aback, and encourages self-negativity. I know I need to just disconnect and focus on my life, my goals, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me like you are too worried about what other people are thinking and doing or not doing and how it affects your self image and what others might perceive of you. (I would also add that sometimes when you've been married a while and haven't had a child, people may not share news about their pregnancy as readily because they assume you are trying and its not working and they're trying to be sensitive, though there are enough insensitive ones out there)....at any rate, what strikes me about your posts is that you're feeling a generalized anxiety that probably should be addressed professionally. As I hit my later 30s and felt that everyone around me was married and reproducing, I too felt scared that it wouldn't happen to me, I'd be "left behind" etc. But once I found my partner (at 38, got married at 39), I knew that we wanted to try for children right away. I'm not saying that you "should" have kids, or try for them now, but given the fact that you are in a stable marriage (?) and don't seem to have a conscious desire to not have children, and that you are in your later 30s and aren't ready to try, it seems to me that you need to address the root of your anxieties about starting a family, probably with a therapist. There's nothing wrong with being anxious about it and the huge changes, or nothing wrong with coming to terms with the fact that you might not want to start a family, but you need to understand what you're feeling and how it is impacting your decisions. and I think some of the women on this board are trying to tell you, nicely, that being in your late 30s is a time to get serious--it's terrible pressure, to be sure, but so is trying to have a baby and then running into fertility or other issues. So if you *think* you want to have kids, you need to address these vague anxieties and be able to understand how you feel. Many women (and men!) face a lot of anxieties about having kids--how will it change my life, marriage, finances, independence, identity, etc--and all this is normal, to a certain extent. But you need to understand these conflicts within yourself to figure out the starting a family thing in your situation. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Im the PP here. ANd I just realized that I'm not actually sure, from your post, whether you ARE TTC or not. If you are, I apologize--I had read your post and some of the responses which seemed to indicate that you hadn't made that decision. Apologies if I misread you.

[Anonymous]

OP here ... PP, as to the others, I thank you for taking the time to consider what you've read and for your thoughtful response. Your "story" is also inspiring/encouraging. I think you're right, that I do spend much too much time worrying/wondering what others are doing/thinking/planning/etc. In fact, I'm afraid I've been this way for a long while in my life. I know it stems from self-insecurity, partly from being a perfectionist (i.e., wanting things to be done right ... but I'm not a control freak or anything extreme ... and this relates to being more self-forgiving, less hard on myself). I deeply regret that the job stress I mentioned put such a huge dent in my personal life with DH (often I came home stressed/unhappy, and I didn't realize the impact it had on him ...)
So, in some ways, I feel that our marriage started off in a very challenging way, and I wonder if I had been in a better state of mind, would things have gone differently. To address your question, there is no formal TTC yet, though for about a year I have been trying to monitor my cycle (mucus change, OPK). I am aware of the stage of life we're in, and I'm happy to have started that type of "planning". Though, as you point out, anxiety/feeling behind, etc, are quite inhibitory, and they are things that ideally should be addressed.
It's reassuring to hear/read that I may not be alone in how I feel, with worrying about life change. But it is a good reminder to try to better myself, for my own sake, and enjoy life ... to not be so hard on myself. Thanks.