No Contact Issue

[Anonymous]

I have decided to go no contact with my mother (long story) about six months ago. My husband continues to reach out to her and invites her to my kids’ school events and tries to set up meet ups wit her behind my back. He invited her to their school musical performance this week. She of course showed up towards the end. I was not happy. Today was the last straw, I caught him calling her and asking my kids to wish her a happy Mother’s Day behind my back. I was like WTF???? She is not their mother, I am. HUGE FIGHT. Way to ruin Mother’s Day. I have a husband problem. How to deal with it? He just does not get it.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem. He either doesn't understand or doesn't respect your decision to go no contact with your mom. You need couples counseling

[Anonymous]

I second PP. Set up counseling sessions. He will continue to do this. You didn't say how old are the kids and if they have a healthy relationship with your mom. But find a marriage counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I second PP. Set up counseling sessions. He will continue to do this. You didn't say how old are the kids and if they have a healthy relationship with your mom. But find a marriage counselor.

Agree. Couples counseling STAT

[Anonymous]

Why did you go no contact?

[Anonymous]

I see divorce in your future, OP. This is not a good guy.

Is his mother alive? Seems like he should have focused on her and you yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. He either doesn't understand or doesn't respect your decision to go no contact with your mom. You need couples counseling

This! Stat! He is sabotaging. He may be childlike and naive and think everyone with rainbows and sunshine if you give them enough chances or he may be addicted to drama and chaos and undermining you. Regardless, you have a marital issue that cannot continue. You need to be a united front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have decided to go no contact with my mother (long story) about six months ago. My husband continues to reach out to her and invites her to my kids’ school events and tries to set up meet ups wit her behind my back. He invited her to their school musical performance this week. She of course showed up towards the end. I was not happy. Today was the last straw, I caught him calling her and asking my kids to wish her a happy Mother’s Day behind my back. I was like WTF???? She is not their mother, I am. HUGE FIGHT. Way to ruin Mother’s Day. I have a husband problem. How to deal with it? He just does not get it.

You sound difficult. Maybe stop with stupid, dramatic behaviors like going "no contact" with people. I realize it's some bizarre trend on the Tik Tok, but it's puerile and toxic behavior. Especially if you're using your children -- her grandchildren -- as pawns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. He either doesn't understand or doesn't respect your decision to go no contact with your mom. You need couples counseling

This! Stat! He is sabotaging. He may be childlike and naive and think everyone with rainbows and sunshine if you give them enough chances or he may be addicted to drama and chaos and undermining you. Regardless, you have a marital issue that cannot continue. You need to be a united front.

I just posted, but over the years I have known a few people who were naive about estrangements and pulled these sorts of things-often when first married and usually female. In every case it bit them in the rear end and they started to understand why estrangement is the healthiest choice with a highly toxic situation. Usually it's people in their 20s or occasionally 30s who don't have the life experience to understand that some parents will eat their young and some people are dangerous to mental health. By middle age I find most people have enough life experience with relatives/bosses/coworkers where they have encountered someone who gave them their "a-ha!" moment.

[Anonymous]

I went no contact with my mother because I'd had enough of her calling me fat, calling my toddler fat, saying I'd ruined my life by marrying my husband, accusing us of various things we hadn't done, etc...

But after 6 months, my husband persuaded me to renew contact, not because he likes her (they do not get along), but because we both realized my father comes as a package deal and we'd never see him again. And we do like him.

I have to say, her behavior has been a lot more circumspect since then. It's been more than 10 years since that dramatic time, and she has stopped calling my husband swear words and saying we're fat. She still nags, and starts harping aggressively on various things she thinks we should be doing... but we hang up when she does that, and she gets the hint far quicker than before. It helps that we live on different continents and do not visit in person very often.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband issue.
He can very well have a relationship with her however, you and him need to re discuss what that entails and boundaries.


- Year Three no contact w my own mother.

[Anonymous]

Is she texting him a lot? Instigating plans?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand. You going no contact doesn't mean him and your kids. To me sounds like he's helping out. I actually think this is a blessing. You don't have to see her in person or talk to her and your husband is taking care of it. Lots of moms are narcissistic and think of their daughters as competition. I'd just let the relationship go and stop having her live rent free in your mind.

[Anonymous]

Wait I'm confused. In one text your mom is on a different continent and in another comes to school events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait I'm confused. In one text your mom is on a different continent and in another comes to school events.

That was a different person posting. Two people with mom troubles.