Goal of stonewalling

[Anonymous]

Why would a spouse choose to stonewall rather than just leave the marriage? My Dw is stonewalling me. I get 1 word answers back on texts only about necessary communications related to kids. For those who have experienced this or done it yourself, what’s the ultimate goal? Is she waiting for me to divorce her? Why doesn’t she just file if she doesn’t want to have any relationship with me?

[Anonymous]

Because she does not want a divorce. This is not hard to figure out at all.

[Anonymous]

A bit glib, PP.

OP, stonewalling is about control. It keeps you off-balance, reaching out, in the position of wanting to resolve the conflict. It allows her to remain at arms length, not make decisions, and stay in the “comfort zone“ that she’s designed for herself that involves minimal action.

Btdt. I left.

[Anonymous]

Divorce her.

[Anonymous]

How long has this been going on? My spouse would stonewall me for up to a couple weeks as a punishment, because they felt I'd hurt them too badly. It's not mature behavior but I can have some compassion for it.

[Anonymous]

Because if you divorce her, it's your fault. See also: weaponized incompetence.

The belligerent/immature partner (sadly, not a gender-linked thing; anybody can suck this way) will make The Thing a problem. The Thing can be loading the dishes or communicating about the kids or literally anything they should/could do correctly, and they deliberately don't. Then, if you point out that their refusal to do The Thing is a problem, you're "a nag" or "picky" or some other form of the problem. And if, after they regularly refuse to solve the problem and just do The Thing, you leave... well, you left. You quit. You filed. You're the AH.

It's a passive-aggressive game played by weak-minded people. The only way to win is to stop caring what they think and do what's best for you, and that's usually leaving the relationship because these types don't make good partners.