Do you think a single mom should get a pass?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is a single mom. She is always asking for favors, always plays victim, struggles financially and often complaining. Her single mom status takes up her entire identity. I’m wondering if friends have to accept the friend as a single mom and how hard her life is. I often feel she is not a good friend, but then you excuse her because she is a single mom and has a lot on her plate.

[Anonymous]

It depends what she’s asking for.
I have a few single mom friends, I am not single but solo parent every night ( 5 nights a week) because we both do shift work. I don’t complain, we do it intentionally for childcare.
If she is complaining she can never go out with you guys because of kids, can you offer to go to her house one evening instead of going out?

[Anonymous]

Details matter. Is she a single mom but divorced with a involved dad?

Or is she a single mom who's a widow?

[Anonymous]

Nope. I don’t.

[Anonymous]

Well straggling financially will always be an issue. She's poor. If you had a friend who grew up in poverty they would complain about money as well. Unless she's asking for money, I don't get the issue of this one.

Favors I would put a stop to if she's not returning them. If you value the friendship, then having things like at her house would be easier so she doesn't have to get a sitter.

It's kind of the same as having a friend with an alcoholic husband you have to plan around or someone with an illness or someone who had to travel for work. You can accommodate and listen sometimes but it doesn't have to define every moment.

[Anonymous]

A pass on what? It's OK to need more help than other people. It's OK to be unable to do certain things, like host a gathering.
But if it's something like repeatedly flaking on plans or just being a bummer to be around, that's not a single parent issue that's who she is.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a single mom who never asked anyone for help, ever. But what that meant was that if *I* needed help, I was the one doing the asking. So if I needed a ride home from a school event, I needed to ask my friend to ask their parents or I couldn’t go to the event. It was a stressful part of my childhood, to be honest, and there were plenty of other stressors, but this is the one I resent the most. Other kids weren’t figuring out their own transportation at a young age like I was. A lot of families helped me out and I’m grateful. I try to pay it forward now, if a kid needs a ride I’m the first to offer and I don’t mind if it’s out of my way.

So when you’re thinking about this, think about the kids as much as the mom. They might need you to help them have a more typical childhood.

[Anonymous]

Folks here need to extend grace and empathy to others more often. It sounds like she’s a friend and struggles more than you as a single parent. Being a single parent is tough. If she’s a friend, be a friend to her.

[Anonymous]

^^ agreed!

-Happily married but care about other human beings, esp the parents of my children's friends

[Anonymous]

What help is she asking for and how often? This matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks here need to extend grace and empathy to others more often. It sounds like she’s a friend and struggles more than you as a single parent. Being a single parent is tough. If she’s a friend, be a friend to her.

This! Op, no one is making you be this person’s friend. Navigate the relationship, set boundaries, be supportive or don’t. Coming here to get support for throwing shade at a ‘friend’ doesn’t reflect well on you.

[Anonymous]

Has she always needed help or just when she became a single mother?
I had the other way around: I complained when I was in relationships and all got better when I became single. My ex was bad with money and ran up my credit cards.
I went on to get a finance degree and invested the money I brought home.
I'm guessing money would help your friend a lot. Even knowing how money works, it powerful. See if she is interested in learning.
She needs to budget, know the bottom prices of the products she buys, open a Roth IRA, guard her credit, lower her taxes. Once all personal finance is under control, it removes so much stress and give options. The skill should have been passed down to her, but now she can pass it down to her kids.
I grew up poor, but I always had interest in anything to do with money. I used to take glass bottles back in the store in the old country. Having good handle on finances is like a someone working a second job 24/7 and I benefit from it. I didn't need a fiance degree to do this. I had money matters under control way before I went back to school.

[Anonymous]

She probably doesn't have a high IQ or EQ. her life choices derive from that, single motherhood and all.

We should be kind to everyone, but you don't need to respond to every text or call. Send the money or help out when you can, and decline when you cannot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she always needed help or just when she became a single mother?
I had the other way around: I complained when I was in relationships and all got better when I became single. My ex was bad with money and ran up my credit cards.
I went on to get a finance degree and invested the money I brought home.
I'm guessing money would help your friend a lot. Even knowing how money works, it powerful. See if she is interested in learning.
She needs to budget, know the bottom prices of the products she buys, open a Roth IRA, guard her credit, lower her taxes. Once all personal finance is under control, it removes so much stress and give options. The skill should have been passed down to her, but now she can pass it down to her kids.
I grew up poor, but I always had interest in anything to do with money. I used to take glass bottles back in the store in the old country. Having good handle on finances is like a someone working a second job 24/7 and I benefit from it. I didn't need a fiance degree to do this. I had money matters under control way before I went back to school.

Ha, this is the truth. Whenever I hear a single mom complain, I remind them I also have to care for a 45 year old man!

[Anonymous]

Relationships need to be reciprocal but they don’t have to be 50-50.

It is perfectly fine for one friend to ask for and receive help more often because they need it more.

But it isn’t ok for one friend to never help their friend even by being a listening ear.