DS smoking cigarettes WWYD?

[Anonymous]

DS 17 (high school junior) spent the school year away on a prestigious study program. It’s a scholarship program where there is an expected standard of behavior.
He is returning home in a few days and I was just presented irrefutable evidence that he’s been smoking cigarettes.
I don’t want to ruin his homecoming after being gone so long, but I am seriously angry.
My initial reaction is to call him up and tell him I know he’s been smoking and that he’s completely lost my trust, but I’m holding off until I calm down a bit.
How would you handle this???

[Anonymous]

How did you receive the evidence?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Another parent sent me a photo of him smoking. I will never disclose the evidence to my son, though.

[Anonymous]

Lost your trust? Has he been telling you he wasn’t smoking? If not, I think you mean he’s disappointed you.

You will never control his choices. He will do whatever he wants behind your back. All you can do is educate, limit $ to purchase here and punish if he smokes in your house, on your property or in your car.

[Anonymous]

Some people you just can't reach. Peer pressure is harder on some kids than others.

[Anonymous]

I get hating smoking. But there are worse things. And you don’t know whether he’s socially smoking or has adopted it as a lifestyle.

He sounds like a good kid. I’d wait until he comes home. See what he’s doing then. And if he continues to smoke then you can do things like cut off his access to your money. But it’s not worth ruining his homecoming and destroying your relationship over something you can’t control.

I will say this as a parent whose kid smoked and then quit. It’s not easy to quit. My son required smoking cessation aids and it took awhile.

And when I found mine smoking and cut off his money others supplied him and he got a job. So even though I said cut off access to money, the only benefit might be that you aren’t contributing.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? I would rethink whatever college plans I had for him and refuse to pay for anything outside my city because I would feel that he’d get involved with the wrong crowd and I wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would rethink whatever college plans I had for him and refuse to pay for anything outside my city because I would feel that he’d get involved with the wrong crowd and I wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on him.

Please please please please tell me this isn't a real response.

[Anonymous]

He’s had a taste of independence and going crazy clamping down will drive him away from you and your values. Calm down and talk to him about it like he’s another adult, because in his own eyes he feels mature.

My DS did something stupid like that at 17, losing the trust of many. I used it as a
a time where he had the opportunity to talk and present his feelings and to spend time strengthening the bond we had. He learned, moved on, graduated college with several honors, and is doing well today, 2 years into the workforce. I don’t always agree with every decision he makes but in the end it’s his life to live, not mine.

[Anonymous]

Ruin his homecoming just like his health and lungs are being ruined

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t do anything till he gets home. Once he’s back and settled, I’d have a serious talk.

But at the end of the day, the choice is his. The kid is 17. It’s not a great choice health wise, it’s a really bad choice, but he’s not doing anything illegal. He’ll be 18 in a year, and these are choices he needs to make for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t do anything till he gets home. Once he’s back and settled, I’d have a serious talk.

But at the end of the day, the choice is his. The kid is 17. It’s not a great choice health wise, it’s a really bad choice, but he’s not doing anything illegal. He’ll be 18 in a year, and these are choices he needs to make for himself.

You think it’s legal for a 17 year old to smoke?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t do anything till he gets home. Once he’s back and settled, I’d have a serious talk.

But at the end of the day, the choice is his. The kid is 17. It’s not a great choice health wise, it’s a really bad choice, but he’s not doing anything illegal. He’ll be 18 in a year, and these are choices he needs to make for himself.

You think it’s legal for a 17 year old to smoke?

Not sure. Whoever provided the kid with cigarettes definitely broke the law. But not sure if kid breaks law by smoking tobacco.

[Anonymous]

Better than vaping.

[Anonymous]

I mean I get it bc we all know smoking is terrible. But…when did every poster here have their first cigarette? Bc I don’t know a soul who didn’t try it by 17.

Everyone is always handwringing about how much teens nowadays are unsocial introverted screen zombies with no friends or romantic interests, but then when their teens do totally normal teen things that we all did in the 90s while socializing, they act like their kids are ruined. If your teens are out and living life, this is going to happen. Keep having conversations, or I guess lock your kids up and they can stare at their phones where they are “safe” ?