Best friend’s child isn’t NT and it’s causing a rift

[Anonymous]

Best friend is going through some challenges as her child is getting diagnosed and seeing a number of specialists to figure out what’s going on. His current diagnosis is autism. Our kids are the same age and we are in the same circle. We have never had any issues or conflict and been friends over a decade. Now with the new issues arising, everything she says to me is challenging and looking for a fight. If I mention anything about my own child she rolls her eyes, she says “wow I just can’t imagine having a healthy child” but it’s with everything, not bragging or complaining, just neutral conversation about going to the kids game or class event etc. I want to be empathetic and have spent a lot of time helping her talk through it all. What’s a good way to respond to these comments to maintain the friendship and not cause more conflict. I usually do not say anything but I feel like it’s causing a rift now if it continues over everything.

**Also I’m an extremely sensitive person, especially with other’s feelings. My own family has been challenged with major trauma last few years so I understand dealing with stress and not handling it well at times.

[Anonymous]

Don’t make your topics of conversation revolve around your kids. There are so many things you can discuss besides children. Give her some time to be like this. It’s nerve racking to go through these kinds of tests for the child and mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t make your topics of conversation revolve around your kids. There are so many things you can discuss besides children. Give her some time to be like this. It’s nerve racking to go through these kinds of tests for the child and mother.

+100

Focus on interests outside the kids.

Of course it is hard for her right now….imagine being on her position and how you might feel.

You sound like a great friend! She is lucky to have you!

[Anonymous]

I think she’s being rude personally. Everyone has struggles. Her being deep in a struggle shouldn’t mean you can’t ever mention your own or talk about your family life. She’s making it all about her. Make sure you’re being empathetic and understanding but I’d call her out too if she makes a healthy child comment again. Anything can change at any time.

[Anonymous]

It’s not ok to take out your problems on someone else. I will say, when my child was going through the challenges that lead to us seeking a diagnosis, it was a very all consuming and awful time. I pulled away from a lot of my friends because I just couldn’t have normal conversations. But it didn’t last forever. We have a diagnosis, medication and reasonable expectations now and I am a decent friend again.

If you are able to listen and maybe just do an activity together like an exercise class or something and give it some time things might change. Not excusing her behavior at all but I am thankful for people who gave me grace during a really bad year and a half. There’s really no way to understand how all consuming it is unless you are in it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she’s dealing with a lot of emotions around her child right now and could use your support and empathy right now. Try something like this:

Her: I just can’t imagine having a healthy child right now.
You: I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Last we talked, Larlo was seeing a new specialist, and you weren’t sure it would help. How’s that going?
Her: it’s not helping, at least not yet. It’s so frustrating.
You: how are you holding up.

Etc, etc.

If she’s mentioning it so awkwardly/clumsily, it’s because she wants to talk about it. Bring a non-judgmental listening ear would be a real gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she’s being rude personally. Everyone has struggles. Her being deep in a struggle shouldn’t mean you can’t ever mention your own or talk about your family life. She’s making it all about her. Make sure you’re being empathetic and understanding but I’d call her out too if she makes a healthy child comment again. Anything can change at any time.

Agree with this. Her autistic kid can still go to a game or play sports. A diagnosis is not a death sentence, but a tool to help people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she’s being rude personally. Everyone has struggles. Her being deep in a struggle shouldn’t mean you can’t ever mention your own or talk about your family life. She’s making it all about her. Make sure you’re being empathetic and understanding but I’d call her out too if she makes a healthy child comment again. Anything can change at any time.

This. My mother does this. Literally every single thing I say she tells a story or comment about how she did the same thing, hated the thing, whatever. I think it’s a personality flaw. Maybe narcissistism.

[Anonymous]

I think you should gently ask her if it’s too hard for her to hear anything about your child right now. She likely does not realize the effect of her words on you. You can say that you support her challenges right now, but it seems that you are not able to be fully yourself in conversation right now, and you’re trying to figure it out. Drawing her attention to the issue may help her work through it. At any moment, any of us could suddenly face hardship with our kids, but we have to realize that our words do affect our relationships.

[Anonymous]

Don't talk about your kids. She's going through it and would likely be happy for the distraction and not having conversation revolve around kids right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she’s being rude personally. Everyone has struggles. Her being deep in a struggle shouldn’t mean you can’t ever mention your own or talk about your family life. She’s making it all about her. Make sure you’re being empathetic and understanding but I’d call her out too if she makes a healthy child comment again. Anything can change at any time.

Agree with this. Her autistic kid can still go to a game or play sports. A diagnosis is not a death sentence, but a tool to help people.

Mine can’t. He is fairly typical but will start screaming about the sun being hot or the grass too prickly or the sky being blue.
It depends on the kid and I don’t want to subject everyone around us to his vitriol. We work on it, but don’t think this is an “easy” thing to do for all autistic people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she’s dealing with a lot of emotions around her child right now and could use your support and empathy right now. Try something like this:

Her: I just can’t imagine having a healthy child right now.
You: I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Last we talked, Larlo was seeing a new specialist, and you weren’t sure it would help. How’s that going?
Her: it’s not helping, at least not yet. It’s so frustrating.
You: how are you holding up.

Etc, etc.

If she’s mentioning it so awkwardly/clumsily, it’s because she wants to talk about it. Bring a non-judgmental listening ear would be a real gift.

This is such a good and kind response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she’s dealing with a lot of emotions around her child right now and could use your support and empathy right now. Try something like this:

Her: I just can’t imagine having a healthy child right now.
You: I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Last we talked, Larlo was seeing a new specialist, and you weren’t sure it would help. How’s that going?
Her: it’s not helping, at least not yet. It’s so frustrating.
You: how are you holding up.

Etc, etc.

If she’s mentioning it so awkwardly/clumsily, it’s because she wants to talk about it. Bring a non-judgmental listening ear would be a real gift.

This is such a good and kind response.

Agreed. Use this as a guide OP.

[Anonymous]

I have a child with a significant disability. He was my third and it was very hard to process- I was tempted just to withdrawal from other families for awhile. I couldn’t because of my other children and being with others ultimately helped me through those early days. I don’t think it’s fair to cause her of being rude or a narcissist- people in extreme pain have difficulty thinking of others and this is a hard moment for her.
Thank you for being a good friend to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she’s being rude personally. Everyone has struggles. Her being deep in a struggle shouldn’t mean you can’t ever mention your own or talk about your family life. She’s making it all about her. Make sure you’re being empathetic and understanding but I’d call her out too if she makes a healthy child comment again. Anything can change at any time.

This. My mother does this. Literally every single thing I say she tells a story or comment about how she did the same thing, hated the thing, whatever. I think it’s a personality flaw. Maybe narcissistism.

My mom does this too. She has an uncanny ability to turn every subject to herself.