Scheduling with friends in middle age

[Anonymous]

I'm part of a book club, long-running, with women I'm very close to -- but scheduling has become impossible and it's making me sad. Is this a normal phase of middle age? We try to Doodle and inevitably, someone has a conflict -- a kid's sporting event, a parent issue, a work trip, some sort of obligation that supersedes our gatherings. We usually have to plan 3 months out just to see one another. It's great when it does happen, but it makes me sad to think that we don't or can't see one another more.
We are all in our mid-40s with teens. Anyone else feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Wait until you are 60 something like me, they are always busy with drs appointments, therapies , treatments etc etc etc. 😁

[Anonymous]

These days I only see my friends one on one. No one has planned an actual party or gathering in years. We just have too much going on. The exception are the Christmas/Hanukkah parties, because everyone is home and expects to be invited.

[Anonymous]

You just need to pick a regular day (first Monday of the month for ex) and those who can make it come- they key is not to reschedule around others, bc if people can’t count on it to be a firm commitment they’ll say yes to other things. If it’s a firm thing that’s happening no matter what they may wind up skipping the teen’s sporting event or whatnot. You can’t wait until you get 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just need to pick a regular day (first Monday of the month for ex) and those who can make it come- they key is not to reschedule around others, bc if people can’t count on it to be a firm commitment they’ll say yes to other things. If it’s a firm thing that’s happening no matter what they may wind up skipping the teen’s sporting event or whatnot. You can’t wait until you get 100%

+1

This is the way.

[Anonymous]

If it's a group, I send out a poll and whatever day gets the most "yes'es" wins. Yes, that means some people won't be able to make it, but most can.

If there's a tie, I flip a coin.

[Anonymous]

I think if you only lose one, and it's not the same person every time, that's gotta be good enough. Always happens with my friends, someone is out of town or gets sick at the last minute.

[Anonymous]

You need a regular day, and maybe need to meet 2x a month. Survey the group and pick the first Wed night of each month. Something like that. Keep to it. People will, eventually, plan around it. It has to be a consistent date for people to -ever- plan around it.

Re: meeting 2x a month instead of 1x a month, it helps to keep interest strong. One meeting can be less about the book. Again, a regular date.

[Anonymous]

My book club always meets on the same weekday at the same time, but they pick a date about 5 weeks apart and choose the book at the previous meeting after a group discussion. It works well as people generally know when it is and there are enough who can make it each time, just not always the same people.

[Anonymous]

op
This happens a lot to me too. Takes 2-3 months to have a girl's get together- always cancellations. Makes me sad too. I have commitments too but try to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Set a schedule for six months in advance. Then, those that can make it go and those who can’t miss it.

[Anonymous]

Same in my early 40s (our kids range from high school to toddlers to no kids). Lots of cancellations for most things.

It seems like the only get togethers that hold more consistently are the ones that are special event-related (showers, reunions) or at people's houses ("I want to show you my new house!") or one-on-ones. I could host which would be more personal and people would be less likely to cancel, but honestly, it doesn't mean that much to me. I see my best friend consistently and see others sporadically enough to fill my plate.

[Anonymous]

The host sets the date 2 months out that is good for them. Whoever shows up shows up. Next time, someone else hosts. Picks date and time. People will prioritize what is important.

[Anonymous]

I arrange a monthly game (mostly socialising) group and set the date about 3-4 weeks out. I have a big enough group that if a few have conflicts we still have a sufficient group to play it also requires 12 or 16 people so folks hesitate to not show up last minute because numbers would be screwed up. It’s fun so people prioritize it on their calendars!

[Anonymous]

It's hard. I miss my friends. When we make plans (almost always around their schedules) I treat those plans seriously and rarely, if ever, cancel. I'm busy too but I prioritize friendship and I feel like they don't prioritize me the same way. It's sad.