Handling trauma as parent of kids with special needs

[Anonymous]

As a parent of 2 kids with special needs, I have spent years focusing on figuring out what they need, working to meet those needs, partnering with schools, advocating and fighting with schools to get appropriate services. I am tired.

I have a dark sense of humor. I treasure the good relationships I’ve found through this process. And while I’ve spoken for years about school trauma for my kids, I am realizing I have trauma too.

The level of emotionality I experience when there is another issue is out of scale to the issues themselves. And I am having to work harder and harder to control that to be a positive and partnering parent.

How common is this? And what do you do? I have a therapist, who encourages me to name my feelings and work on accepting them. But I still feel really stuck. How do you come back from seeing so many adults break trust with children?

[Anonymous]

I feel like you just talked around whatever the specifics are and it's not clear what you're talking about exactly. Can you rephrase in a less vague way?

[Anonymous]

I hear you. My ASD child and I both have experienced trauma as we go through this journey. Trauma surrounds my memories of my child's initial evaluations and diagnosis. I have trauma from some of the IEP meetings. Speech and communication are huge challenges for my child. I see and feel the frustration on DC's face when I don't get what is needed. I am a single parent and the only parent. I know I need to care for myself better and manage my emotions better. My faith has gotten me through difficult times and is how I am managing. You are in therapy and working through trauma. That is good. This forum and board is a reminder that you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

The first step is actually acknowledging the problem, OP. Your post was not clear at all.

[Anonymous]

I don't quite understand your last sentence. What does that have to do with your trauma.

[Anonymous]

It's SO HARD to parent kids with special needs, and I think alot of us have our own trauma.

I see a therapist who does EMDR to treat trauma, and it's very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of 2 kids with special needs, I have spent years focusing on figuring out what they need, working to meet those needs, partnering with schools, advocating and fighting with schools to get appropriate services. I am tired.

I have a dark sense of humor. I treasure the good relationships I’ve found through this process. And while I’ve spoken for years about school trauma for my kids, I am realizing I have trauma too.

The level of emotionality I experience when there is another issue is out of scale to the issues themselves. And I am having to work harder and harder to control that to be a positive and partnering parent.

How common is this? And what do you do? I have a therapist, who encourages me to name my feelings and work on accepting them. But I still feel really stuck. How do you come back from seeing so many adults break trust with children?

I agree that being the parent of a special needs child can be traumatic. We both (parent and child) have experienced abuse and betrayal by professionals and institutions. Your therapist doesn’t really sound like she is that well versed in complex PTSD. I have acquired the extreme emotions you mention as well as hypervigilence, rumination and distrust. To some extent these are coping mechanisms for the unusual situation I find myself in.

TBH, OP, I found medication (for myself) helpful. It helped scale back my emotional reactions to the point that I could recognize them and manage them much better.

To your question - how do you come back from seeing so many people break trust with your child? – I would say that I try to remember the people that were helpful. I try myself to be very kind and helpful to others.But, over time, I have become much quicker to report and insist on consequences for staff who behave improperly, and I have become much better at seeing this as a lack of professionalism on their part and as business not personal. Being brave enough to do that made me realize that I do have some power in the situation, and I am not merely a powerless supplicant before others.

YMMV.

[Anonymous]

My two are now adults. I was tired from all of the work. It’s no joke to get kids through school. What gave me PTSD was the mental health issues - constant hospitalizations, violence, suicide attempts, exhausting savings for treatment and wondering what you do when you run out of money. It’s been over a year and a half since the last violent episode but certain things still put me over the edge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two are now adults. I was tired from all of the work. It’s no joke to get kids through school. What gave me PTSD was the mental health issues - constant hospitalizations, violence, suicide attempts, exhausting savings for treatment and wondering what you do when you run out of money. It’s been over a year and a half since the last violent episode but certain things still put me over the edge.

How is it safe now that they are adults? At least for my child the danger will increase once he leaves home.

[Anonymous]

What is this word salad?