Any low-contact only children who have moved away?

[Anonymous]

We recently moved away from where my only living parent lives to settle in at a less-stressful job for the final years before retirement. We’ve never had a typical relationship (they are borderline) and have always been low-contact. I’m an only child. Recently my parent will fabricate emergencies, but when I get home, I find they are grossly exaggerated or non-existent. I’m not ready to just abandon my parent, but I also can’t run home every time my parent needs attention. They won’t move here or into assisted/retirement living there, and honestly, I’m OK with the refusal to move here. But they are not willing to allow a third party caretaker to get involved in checking on their welfare in these instances. They want ME to fly home; it’s very manipulative. I’m just curious how others have handled this, or if you have any advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved away from where my only living parent lives to settle in at a less-stressful job for the final years before retirement. We’ve never had a typical relationship (they are borderline) and have always been low-contact. I’m an only child. Recently my parent will fabricate emergencies, but when I get home, I find they are grossly exaggerated or non-existent. I’m not ready to just abandon my parent, but I also can’t run home every time my parent needs attention. They won’t move here or into assisted/retirement living there, and honestly, I’m OK with the refusal to move here. But they are not willing to allow a third party caretaker to get involved in checking on their welfare in these instances. They want ME to fly home; it’s very manipulative. I’m just curious how others have handled this, or if you have any advice.

You can continue to respond to emergencies
You can hire a care manager and if she chooses not to use the care manager, you can let the care manager call an ambulance or whatever
You can say, “Mom, I told you I can’t fly in for emergencies. I will call 911 for you. Good luck.”

If you’ve made the decision not to be the primary support/caregiver I think those are your choices.

[Anonymous]

If they have money, insist they hire a geriatric nurse/care manager. If not, call adult protective services for emergencies. If they complain, explain that the last dozen emergencies were crying wolf so better to have an agency involved.

My mother called me with endless emergencies-some real, many not.anxieties and urgent issues. When i outsourced somehow she only rare had emergencies. When extreme dramatics led to an outside professional insisting on a full psychiatric evaluation, she stopped with the extreme dramatics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they have money, insist they hire a geriatric nurse/care manager. If not, call adult protective services for emergencies. If they complain, explain that the last dozen emergencies were crying wolf so better to have an agency involved.

My mother called me with endless emergencies-some real, many not.anxieties and urgent issues. When i outsourced somehow she only rare had emergencies. When extreme dramatics led to an outside professional insisting on a full psychiatric evaluation, she stopped with the extreme dramatics.

Dang, pp. Congrats on sticking to your guns. OP, this is the way. Maintain good boundaries. Your parents will stop when they don’t get what they want.

[Anonymous]

So they get a paper cut but tell you they slices their arm open and are on the floor bleeding profusely? Tell them to send you a picture of it.

And also, recognize they are lonely for you and want your attention. They want you to WANT to fuss all over them and make them feel special.

[Anonymous]

You need to not go the next time they ask.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you share your story more. You wrote it in an ambiguous and dramatic way: What full evaluation? She asked for that. She goes to a therapist or shrink. I don’t see what the big deal it

You know that is normal correct? What is is that you aww looking for from strangers? Cali do? Courage? What do you want?

[Anonymous]

“ Recently my parent will fabricate emergencies, but when I get home, I find they are grossly exaggerated or non-existent.“

This sounds like every mother I know

[Anonymous]

OP said

“ They want ME to fly home; it’s very manipulative.”

Okay. So then a lot of families are manipulating us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they have money, insist they hire a geriatric nurse/care manager. If not, call adult protective services for emergencies. If they complain, explain that the last dozen emergencies were crying wolf so better to have an agency involved.

My mother called me with endless emergencies-some real, many not.anxieties and urgent issues. When i outsourced somehow she only rare had emergencies. When extreme dramatics led to an outside professional insisting on a full psychiatric evaluation, she stopped with the extreme dramatics.

Dang, pp. Congrats on sticking to your guns. OP, this is the way. Maintain good boundaries. Your parents will stop when they don’t get what they want.

100%

[Anonymous]

Two possible things to do are to install cameras and/or call 911 for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So they get a paper cut but tell you they slices their arm open and are on the floor bleeding profusely? Tell them to send you a picture of it.

And also, recognize they are lonely for you and want your attention. They want you to WANT to fuss all over them and make them feel special.

I think any of us who dealt with this know it's attention seeking behavior. The last thing a person should do it reinforce this type of behavior. OP is 2 steps from estrangement and likely these are not people who get their needs met in healthy ways. It is dehumanizi9ng to think OP is just some object to manipulate.

In emergencies you drop everything. Your kids absorb the stress. Many times I have injured myself rushing around and trying to get my ducks in a row to race to the parents. I almost got in a car accident once after mom was hysterical on the phone. I have had heart palpitations after hysterical calls. You race there and then...it's something that is not an emergency. OP is a human being and her/his life and safety matters too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two possible things to do are to install cameras and/or call 911 for her.

If OPs mom can call OP, then she knows how to call 911. Cameras can be a nightmare ever in healthy families. Many falls occur in bathrooms or in the bedroom getting out of bed. Do you want a camera system on your parents there? Also, cameras are apparently easy to hack into and would provide great info for a thief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two possible things to do are to install cameras and/or call 911 for her.

If OPs mom can call OP, then she knows how to call 911. Cameras can be a nightmare ever in healthy families. Many falls occur in bathrooms or in the bedroom getting out of bed. Do you want a camera system on your parents there? Also, cameras are apparently easy to hack into and would provide great info for a thief.

Something tells me a low contact AC doesn't want to be responsible for monitoring cameras. I really think it boils down to either telling Mom she can use a care manager, or calling 911 if mom calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two possible things to do are to install cameras and/or call 911 for her.

If OPs mom can call OP, then she knows how to call 911. Cameras can be a nightmare ever in healthy families. Many falls occur in bathrooms or in the bedroom getting out of bed. Do you want a camera system on your parents there? Also, cameras are apparently easy to hack into and would provide great info for a thief.

Something tells me a low contact AC doesn't want to be responsible for monitoring cameras. I really think it boils down to either telling Mom she can use a care manager, or calling 911 if mom calls.

This. The pitfall with calling 911 is mom could pretend that she is fine and make OP out the be the crazy one. There may be a penalty for calling 9-11 for a 'false alarm." I would see if she will get a CM. I would also encourage her to call 9-11. Just say you cannot make it this time and be like those recordings "if this is an emergency, please call 9-11."