need advice on holding younger child back a grade

[Anonymous]

My son started his educational career (kindergarten) at age 4 instead age 5 or 6 like the rest of his peers. He is currently a 6th grader --- and has always been successful academincally but still is emotionally/maturity-wise probably better suited to be in the 5th grade. Some of the private middle schools that we are considering are recommending that he starts 6th grade in the fall, primarily bc of his age and his maturity level. Any thoughts/suggestions/advice on this? Have any of you experienced it and if so, would you pease share your experiences -- especially as it relates to boys. Thanks in advance for your help.

[Anonymous]

I am curious whether at the time you chose to enroll him in kindergarten you had any concerns about doing so and if in hindsight you would have done things differently? E.g., were there any warning signs that this issue would come up later (or did it truly just come later as other kids started to mature sooner than he did?)

I ask because I have two kids with Aug. and Sept. b-days respectively and because at least with the older one it appears likely that -- as with your son -- the academic aspect will not be a concern and so our decision on whether to start at barely 5 or 6 will need to based on other factors.

I don't know if my experience will help you with your decision, as I'm not a boy, but I was skipped a grade very young and starting at around 7th grade until about 10th grade it suddenly became a problem for me (socially not academically). It's impossible to know if the lack of maturity was due to age, but I believe it was.

At that age, physical differences become so magnified and going to high school as a scrawny 13-year old -- walking around with all the 17 and 18 year old girls -- it was easy to develop a complex. By the end of 10th grade -- after turning 15 -- and starting to resemble my peers more (both in appearance and attitude), things got so much easier socially that it's hard not to think the extra year did not make a difference and that certainly it would have been easier to start high school at that older age. However, by the time I "caught up" so to speak, social circles at my high school were already pretty much etched in stone. It was my experiences outside of high school (in the summer and at work) where I started to even realize I was not still the scrawny girl and it took years before I fully shook off that image of myself.

For me repeating would have made no sense because academically I would not have been challenged and I would have lost my friends I had gone all thru grade school with. However, if your son has a chance to repeat without this happening -- i.e., if repeating at the new school will represent enough change in curriculum that he won't be bored -- then I think it might be a good idea. Also, if he's switching schools, then presumably he's losing his classmates anyway so that's a non-issue too. However, I would think you'd want to be careful about doing in a way that protects his ego -- I wonder if there's a way to make it less about him (e.g., the school has certain age cut-off requirements?)

You may have just helped me answer my question about what to do about my own kids! If they take after their mom then they are likely to be late bloomers which won't help them any down the road. The problem is I think at least older one is going to bored being in pre-school for so long...and it's hard to make these decisions based on the future v. the present which is why I asked the first question as to what you would have done in hindsight at the outset.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. I have a December birthday and I grew up in Virginia and started school late (age 6) so I was always the oldest in my class. I was a bit of an "overachiever" and I always felt like I was behind. But then again, I am female and the stereotype is that we mature much faster.

In hindsight, yes, I would have started my son in Kindergarten a year later than I did... but I had no idea at the time. He had finished his preschool program and was ready for K academically. As I was an only child who didn't have siblings to observe nor a lot of kids around (he is an only and all of my girlfriends have girls), I didn't realize about the huge emotional difference between boys and girls. I just figured he would be trying to catch up with girls (maturity wise) for the rest of his life

There is nearly a solid year between him and the next youngest child in his class now, and the differences are very noticeable. I think the new environment would be academically challenging -- largely bc it is a highly competitive structured environment -- and his dad and I have already put a spin on it (which is the truth). We've explained that he is not being "held back" as much as he is being "right-sized" as currently he is well ahead of where he is supposed to be and the new private school is basing his placement on age not ability. He has tended to take that well, as his social circle will be completely changing, but I still have the challenge of his girl cousin who is the same age as him and she will remain in her public school and move on to 7th gade.

[Anonymous]

Same poster again -- that is funny that you felt "behind" being older because I will admit that when I graduated college I liked being younger -- I felt like I had somehow gained a whole extra year to *do* something with.

However, until writing this post I never considered at what price that extra year came. Your mentioning the cousin moving ahead while your son stays behind just triggered a memory I had totally forgotten and it goes to that same 7th - 10th grade timeframe where I said I thought the age difference had the most impact.

At my church growing up there was a girl who switched to a private school like your son, she was young for her grade like your son and so she had to repeat 8th grade at her new school. So she also got to stay in jr high youth group at church another year. When I found this out, I begged to be able to stay too -- pointing out that I too was a year younger. Most of my friends at church were my own age -- the girl repeating 8th grade and the 7th graders -- and I wanted to stay with them. Not to mention youth group was a social respite from the challening social situation at school I had at this age. The director said no and I cried.

When I started sr. high youth group I was miserable-- I can remember sitting there with my face feeling hot every time I had to talk in Sunday School and wishing I was back in the jr. high room where I felt free to talk and even try to be funny sometimes.

All the sr. highers were dating each other, etc. (I was still years away from my first date, and was painfully aware at the time this was likely to be the case). Back at the jr. high group, no one dated. A fun event was a weekend at someone's country house playing "ghost" (basically hide and seek in the dark) and I thought it was the best thing ever. The sr. high events were rock concerts and parties -- and I remember dreading every single one (and this was church -- most of the kids were nice! -- I just had nothing in common with them).

If you think about it, a church youth group is like school, but with the academic element completely removed and only the social element remaining. The upshot: it didn't work out so well for me. By the end of 9th grade I had dropped out and I'm pretty sure had I been allowed to stay with my peers this would not have happened.

I realize that given the only chance I saw to try to "undo" being skipped a grade, I seized it. So that said, if I decide to keep both my kids "back" a year so they will be the oldest in their class rather than the youngest -- other than feeling "behind" -- were there any other disadvantages to that scenario? Probably no long-buried traumatic memories.

I guess I wonder if being the "youngest" in the class is different than your son's situation (or what mine was) where there is actually a gap between you and the next youngest. That is why my inclination had been to let my kids start school assuming they otherwise seemed ready at the time, I didn't worry about them being "youngest" (someone always has to be). However, I was not flash-forwarding to 7th grade (or flashbacking, as the case may be) either.

[Anonymous]

Like your son I started school early. For the most part it was okay -- especially early on. But as I got older it became more difficult -- socially and emotionally and for some of my school subjects. Most of my classes were fine, but I struggled with math and science and thought it was because they just weren't my thing. I have since learned (as an adult), I don't think I was mentally mature and ready for the subjects when they were presented to me. Ironically I ended up in a career where I had to use math a lot and my math skills are now amazing and I love it! They are better than my husband's and he is an engineer.

It sounds like you are going to be in a good situation where you can hold him back and it won't hurt him too much. I would do it -- in the long run I think it will be better for him.

[Anonymous]

We will also be considering holding our summer boy baby back a year once he's old enough for school. Both my husband and I were the youngest in our grades and didn't feel any effects other than graduating a year earlier so all of this seems a bit odd to me though I understand that it has become a wide-spread practice. We're feeling a bit conflicted because we want to do what is best for our son, but we frankly feel that much of this holding back gives an unfair advantage in many aspects of school -- whether it's being the tellest, biggest, most mature etc. I'm sure that we all would generally like our kids to be the most mature, well-adapted, most physically fit and mentally agile kids in their classes, but this wide-spread holding back seems to manipulate the process. Doesn't someone have to be the youngest/smallest? Is that such a bad thing to have to compensate for your age by developing other strengths? At some point shouldn't we just let the chips fall where they may and trust our kids to be able to become whoever it is they will become regardless of whether they are 6 months younger than their peers? At this point, we've been warned that, if we don't hold our son back, he'll be in classes with kids who have been held back and who may be as much as 18 months older than he is. That goes well beyond being the youngest by a year and just doesn't seem fair. I really don't know which direction we will go and see the benefits of both sides, but I feel pretty hesitant about artificially improving our child's performance relative to his peers by chnaging his peer group so that he's teh biggest, most mature, etc. Does anyone have any thoughts on this perspective? Is this practice just too common to be avoided?

[Anonymous]

I feel frustration about having to automatically hold my summer daughter back because, if I don't, she will be 15-17 months younger than many of her classmates. She would make a great "youngest" kid in the typical school setting, the one I grew up in, where there was an even distribution of ages that spanned 12 months in each class. Yes, she would be the youngest, but she's not small in stature and her teachers feel that she should move on. Unforutnately, it is such the norm now to hold summer kids back, that I feel that I have to hold her back.

It seems that all that's been accomplished by this process, is to make the March/April birthday kids the youngest in the class now. What is the point of this?

[Anonymous]

Our son has a December birthday and we decided to let him repeat kindergarten. It was a very good decision; he was academically ready for first grade, but now he's right where he should be socially, and we're so glad we did it early! Especially since the private schools we're applying to all have a September cutoff.

[Anonymous]

I think some of the posters are missing the point. It is not about holding back a child who is the correct age. The OP's son is ahead and they are talking about holding him back to so he is with his appropriate age group.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the posters discussing holding a child back. I realize that the OP is not discusssing holding her child back in a way that makes him younger than the norm, but I think that my comments and those of others are relevant to a more general discussion of the topic as the OP's situation seems highly unusual in the current environment. I feel that there has been discussion on this board about the benefits of holding a child back based on then fitting in better with peers, but I've missed any discussion about whether this system overall is unfair and whether each of us contributes to it when we hold our children back (absent highly unusual circumstances). Really, is it right for teachers to have to teach to an age-range of 18 months? For a 5 year old to be in the same class with 6.5 year olds simply so the older boy feels better adjusted or fits in better? I am going to face these questions within our family, but the system seems really messed up. And it's getting worse as now it's not just summer kids who are held back, but spring kids as well. At some point I fear our kindergarteners will be driving their own carpools!

[Anonymous]

If he is starting a new school, I would keep him in 6th for another year. Is he in public school now? I ask because many private schools are more willing/able to accomodate varying levels of ability.

IMO, social skills are just as important as academic skills. I know a little girl who was homeschooled, then skipped ahead and while she is very very book smart, she has no friends to speak of. Poor thing is 8 yrs old and has never had a sleepover, she doesn't go to bday parties. It's just awful. (I know a lot of this has to do w/ her parents, but it's still a social immaturity issue as well). The 9 1/2-10 yr olds don't want to readily include her in their circles. It's something she'll have to deal with her whole life.

OP, since you readily admit that he is more emotionally at a 5th grade level, then there is no harm in keeping him back. There are always more books and assignments and supplemental experiences that you can provide for him to keep up the academic side, but a healthy emotional and social start is so much more difficult to remedy. Most private schools have years of experience in dealing with academically gifted kids. I would definitely take their advice to heart.

Good luck!