"She can't read the room."

[Anonymous]

I see this used a lot here as a description of social deficits, but I wonder if those of you who use this phrase to describe their child could elaborate on what they mean by it. I have a kid diagnosed with ADHD, but we are trying to figure out if there is more to it. When I think of not being able to read the room, the example that comes to mind is someone who tells an inappropriate joke when people are being serious, or maybe conversely someone who brings down the mood when people are kidding around. My kid does not do that sort of thing. They are sensitive to certain social norms and able to follow them. But they do have some social quirks: monologuing, having difficulty modulating their voice, and overreacting when someone fails to include them in the conversation or changes the subject to something they're not interested in (they feel someone who does this is being "rude" when it is often just a natural shift in converational topics). Does this fall under the umbrella of "not reading the room" in your opinion, or do you mean something more specific by that phrase?

[Anonymous]

The monologuing and being offended when someone changes the subject fall in the realm of "reading the room" to me. It also includes things like....not being able to pick up when people want to move on from a topic you're discussing, not realizing you're monopolizing a conversation, not realizing you're making others feel uncomfortable by how you're acting (in your daughter's case it could be her overreacting to things).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The monologuing and being offended when someone changes the subject fall in the realm of "reading the room" to me. It also includes things like....not being able to pick up when people want to move on from a topic you're discussing, not realizing you're monopolizing a conversation, not realizing you're making others feel uncomfortable by how you're acting (in your daughter's case it could be her overreacting to things).

Hm, thanks. In her case, I think she definitely picks up on these things but is not motivated to change her behavior? (For example, she will sense that people are getting bored with what she is saying, but her reaction is to be hurt/mad that they are bored rather than to accept that the conversation has moved on.)

[Anonymous]

My observation is kids with ADHD are about a grade or two behind in social skills and maturity. Which is sometimes a problem because theyre just not on the same page as their classmates without ADHD. But they’re not exactly antisocial or awkward. Just immature.

[Anonymous]

OP, my daughter with ADHD is similar. In some ways she has above average social skills. She is very social and warm and fun to be around. But, for example, she talks WAY too loud sometimes and of course is super offended when I point it out. She is also incredibly impatient and if her siblings are talking about something that doesn't interest her, she will ask to be excused and want to leave the table in the middle of dinner. I have another son with ADHD and overall he is less socially successful than she is. He, too, won't necessarily make an effort to join less interesting conversations but he fakes it a lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My observation is kids with ADHD are about a grade or two behind in social skills and maturity. Which is sometimes a problem because theyre just not on the same page as their classmates without ADHD. But they’re not exactly antisocial or awkward. Just immature.

This rings true. Plus keep in mind that there are lots of kids who are immature and for lots of reasons.

Sometimes I'm not so sure if being more socially mature is always a good thing, especially for girls. Some of the more mature girl cliques include dressing more risqué and getting into boys and partying early.

[Anonymous]

the spectrum of asd is so broad and it's all so meaningless and so much venn with adhd. My ds is the same as you describe and has an adhd/ asd dx. Does that mean your child would get the same dx? who knows.

[Anonymous]

I think that monologuing is a good example of failing to read the room.

[Anonymous]

A lot of these ring true for my dd with ASD and ADHD. Another example is that when she hears bad news about someone else, instead of letting the conversation be all about them for a while, she transitions to talking about how she will be impacted way too soon. It makes her seem callous. She’s actually not callous and that’s really her anxiety talking.

[Anonymous]

Kids are talking about their grandparents having died to comfort one kid whose live-in grandfather recently died. One kid says "My fish died once. My mom just flushed it down the toilet."

[Anonymous]

Kid cannot understand figurative speech. Always takes what anyone says as true. Cannot understand or detect sarcasm or irony.

[Anonymous]

I’d get an ADOS.

[Anonymous]

Your child would benefit from a good social skills group. It takes a lot of specific instruction to be able to understand another’s point of view and to suppress one’s need to information dump by realizing that in the long run, people will avoid you. This needs to be explicitly taught without shaming the child. Everyone eventually has to fake it at some point and pretend to listen, like the kid who doesn’t want to sit at the table. Social stories help, too. It’s key to emphasize that lowering your voice will make people who already like you want to hang around you more. Turn up the TV very loud and let them now this is how others feel when you are too loud.