Marital acrimony/abuse - effect on DD

[Anonymous]

STBX has been abusing me in front of DD (14). She has taken his side and now hates me. I know she’s being traumatized by all of this but I still think her blame/accusations are very hurtful. Example: she thinks I have a victim mentality and am using health issues to evoke sympathy. I have health issues and H has been telling me cruel things like “go to your grave” and many things that are even worse. I am trying to stay healthy, productive, etc. as I had been the sole provider for over a decade, while H was unemployed. So in addition to dealing with a stressful divorce, I am losing my DD.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Good for you for divorcing him. The culture reaches women to coddle and protect and excuse mediocre, failing, and abusive men, and then blame women for their (men's) failings. It is a endemic. And she saw you do the same, right, for 10 years while your deadbeat husband was unemployed. So please try not to take it personally that she is playing this role right now. She wants to fit in, and fitting in means cutting a man's favor and cutting down a woman who is superior to him but who he blames.

The best you can do is be a badass. Find some biting comebacks to his abusive language and grey rock him otherwise. Some young women come to their senses and eventually become feminists. But she needs you to be an example, not a simpering, cowering object of scorn. Stand up straight and live strong. Eff this POS you married. He's weak and cruel.

Try not to perseverate and try not to appeal to her. Treat her with kindness and dignity, but hold your own dignity highest. She needs to see you rise to have any chance or escaping this as her fate when she chooses a mate

[Anonymous]

*currying a man's favor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. Good for you for divorcing him. The culture reaches women to coddle and protect and excuse mediocre, failing, and abusive men, and then blame women for their (men's) failings. It is a endemic. And she saw you do the same, right, for 10 years while your deadbeat husband was unemployed. So please try not to take it personally that she is playing this role right now. She wants to fit in, and fitting in means cutting a man's favor and cutting down a woman who is superior to him but who he blames.

The best you can do is be a badass. Find some biting comebacks to his abusive language and grey rock him otherwise. Some young women come to their senses and eventually become feminists. But she needs you to be an example, not a simpering, cowering object of scorn. Stand up straight and live strong. Eff this POS you married. He's weak and cruel.

Try not to perseverate and try not to appeal to her. Treat her with kindness and dignity, but hold your own dignity highest. She needs to see you rise to have any chance or escaping this as her fate when she chooses a mate

Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot to be understood like this.

[Anonymous]

It’s called identifying with the aggressor and you can explain the dynamic to DD and / or a therapist eventually will

[Anonymous]

If H was at home, was he the primary caretaker? That may be why your daughter is allied with him.

I think you should lean more towards grey rock and disengaged, until you have separate living spaces.

[Anonymous]

Stop being dramatic. You are not losing her. She is just so tired of this horrible marriage. How long has she been living in that dysfunction? Why did it get so long to dissolve it?
She is 14. Give her space. Let her be with her friends and go places without worrying about you two. Why is she caught between grown up people's problems?
I lived years barely seeing my kids, because their well being was more important than me proving how great I am.
My kids understand that I had to leave the abuser. Ex had some childhood trauma and maybe mental illness. Who knows.
The older child had a chance to come with me, but since ex didn't take his anger out on him, he was fine at dad's house.
I cannot even imagine how messed up my kids would be if they had to grow up witnessing him treating me like crap. They'd hate me for staying. I grew up like that. I hate my mother more than my father the abuser.
My mom makes so many excuses for abusers like 'at least he didn't hit me in the face'. She normalizes men's behavior. It's like she grew up witnessing even worse and is fine making baby steps toward ending physical/mental abuse.
This divorce is a blessing, not stress inducing at all unless you need it to be. You should be waltzing into courthouse.
Concentrate on you getting better and stronger and be the role model you were suppose to be long ago.
Why do you need someone who doesn't even work? You could be building wealth/health for you and your child instead of feeding the abuser.
This poor child of yours being caught up in this all for years. Please turn it all around now.

[Anonymous]

To the pp above I’m sorry for what happened to you but you have a ton of healing left to do. Even here you can’t suppress your misdirected hatred for the victim and your seething anger about what you were/are owed rises off the page. Direct your anger at the abuser, who created this dynamic, even though it’s scarier to confront the stronger party. Try to have some compassion for people making the best of terrible choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop being dramatic. You are not losing her. She is just so tired of this horrible marriage. How long has she been living in that dysfunction? Why did it get so long to dissolve it?
She is 14. Give her space. Let her be with her friends and go places without worrying about you two. Why is she caught between grown up people's problems?
I lived years barely seeing my kids, because their well being was more important than me proving how great I am.
My kids understand that I had to leave the abuser. Ex had some childhood trauma and maybe mental illness. Who knows.
The older child had a chance to come with me, but since ex didn't take his anger out on him, he was fine at dad's house.
I cannot even imagine how messed up my kids would be if they had to grow up witnessing him treating me like crap. They'd hate me for staying. I grew up like that. I hate my mother more than my father the abuser.
My mom makes so many excuses for abusers like 'at least he didn't hit me in the face'. She normalizes men's behavior. It's like she grew up witnessing even worse and is fine making baby steps toward ending physical/mental abuse.
This divorce is a blessing, not stress inducing at all unless you need it to be. You should be waltzing into courthouse.
Concentrate on you getting better and stronger and be the role model you were suppose to be long ago.
Why do you need someone who doesn't even work? You could be building wealth/health for you and your child instead of feeding the abuser.
This poor child of yours being caught up in this all for years. Please turn it all around now.

Please get therapy. You desperately need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:STBX has been abusing me in front of DD (14). She has taken his side and now hates me. I know she’s being traumatized by all of this but I still think her blame/accusations are very hurtful. Example: she thinks I have a victim mentality and am using health issues to evoke sympathy. I have health issues and H has been telling me cruel things like “go to your grave” and many things that are even worse. I am trying to stay healthy, productive, etc. as I had been the sole provider for over a decade, while H was unemployed. So in addition to dealing with a stressful divorce, I am losing my DD.

He has been unemployed for a decade? I would have divorced him long ago.

[Anonymous]

Divorce