Being in friend groups with a frenemy

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who I used to be very close with. She was one of my best friends. We had a falling out before Covid and I was glad to not talk to her anymore and not see her. Over the past year, this friend is everywhere. I can’t avoid her. She is at every party I attend, every dinner, girls trips. She is even befriending my family. I don’t know if she just really likes everyone in my life but I can’t seem to get rid of her.

Am I just stuck with this frenemy?

I try to be cordial and hang out with others. I don’t sit next to her. She constantly takes little jabs at me and I try my best to ignore.

[Anonymous]

Seems you’re stuck .. Unless you make new friend or family ..

Continue to ignor her. Give her no energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I used to be very close with. She was one of my best friends. We had a falling out before Covid and I was glad to not talk to her anymore and not see her. Over the past year, this friend is everywhere. I can’t avoid her. She is at every party I attend, every dinner, girls trips. She is even befriending my family. I don’t know if she just really likes everyone in my life but I can’t seem to get rid of her.

Am I just stuck with this frenemy?

I try to be cordial and hang out with others. I don’t sit next to her. She constantly takes little jabs at me and I try my best to ignore.

Sounds like it, tbh.

To survive it, go high when they go low.

[Anonymous]

Are you family and friends there when she jabs at you? Do they know the backstory?

[Anonymous]

Just continue to ignore. Do your family and friends not hear the constant jabs though?

[Anonymous]

You should have some power over family. If they know. They shouldn't want you uncomfortable and should forgo a relationship with her/or anyone else IF you don't ask for it often. Tell them. And they should be classy enough to keep what you say to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you family and friends there when she jabs at you? Do they know the backstory?

A few know we had a falling out years ago but I think everyone is too busy to care.

I have not brought it up to anyone in the near future. Only DH hears about it. Most people don’t know the backstory and likely think we are still friends since we used to be so close.

I used to attempt to avoid events I knew she would be at and be conveniently busy on those days. Now I have to choose between seeing my other friends or avoid her so I just go and try my best to keep interactions to a minimum.

[Anonymous]

If she is truly awful, she'll upset the wrong person and will, eventually, have to leave the group. In the meantime, be polite. Diversify your social life. Find new friends on your own. I did this for similar reasons. I joined a tennis meet up, running club and hiking group. I made many new friends, some of whom know about the frenemy, attend those events with me and give her the stink eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is truly awful, she'll upset the wrong person and will, eventually, have to leave the group. In the meantime, be polite. Diversify your social life. Find new friends on your own. I did this for similar reasons. I joined a tennis meet up, running club and hiking group. I made many new friends, some of whom know about the frenemy, attend those events with me and give her the stink eye.

Yes. Frenemy ended up with no friends and divorced.

It should have tipped me off that her “friends” kept dropping like flies.

[Anonymous]

What was the falling out about?

I have had falling outs that I will never recover from (even if the person apologized, I've seen who they really are and have no interest in being friends with them ever again), but not many. I guess luckily for me all the people I care about also saw these people for who they are so they don't associate with them anymore either. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone did something awful enough to me that I'd cut them off and then my friends and family were fine with them. I don't cut people off lightly, and the fact that everyone else I know also cut them off spoke to how awful they were. That's what surprises me about your situation - maybe it's something you can get over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the falling out about?

I have had falling outs that I will never recover from (even if the person apologized, I've seen who they really are and have no interest in being friends with them ever again), but not many. I guess luckily for me all the people I care about also saw these people for who they are so they don't associate with them anymore either. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone did something awful enough to me that I'd cut them off and then my friends and family were fine with them. I don't cut people off lightly, and the fact that everyone else I know also cut them off spoke to how awful they were. That's what surprises me about your situation - maybe it's something you can get over?

I don’t want to get into the details to stay anonymous. Frenemy is deeply troubled coming from a troubled childhood and family. You would never know this when you first meet. I am actually scared of her so it isn’t just a not like situation. I wish she could just not be in my life. She has like a split personality so her nice side is super likable. She is very pretty and friendly at first impression so most people like her, including me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the falling out about?

I have had falling outs that I will never recover from (even if the person apologized, I've seen who they really are and have no interest in being friends with them ever again), but not many. I guess luckily for me all the people I care about also saw these people for who they are so they don't associate with them anymore either. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone did something awful enough to me that I'd cut them off and then my friends and family were fine with them. I don't cut people off lightly, and the fact that everyone else I know also cut them off spoke to how awful they were. That's what surprises me about your situation - maybe it's something you can get over?

I don’t want to get into the details to stay anonymous. Frenemy is deeply troubled coming from a troubled childhood and family. You would never know this when you first meet. I am actually scared of her so it isn’t just a not like situation. I wish she could just not be in my life. She has like a split personality so her nice side is super likable. She is very pretty and friendly at first impression so most people like her, including me.

Honestly this sounds like a ticking time bomb situation. I would bide my time (easier said than done, I know, because it means living with discomfort) because she will turn on someone else in the group sooner or later.

But, also, you deserve support. I'd probably confide in my closest friend or two about my discomfort and concerns. It's not gossip to share how someone harmed you and your fear that it might happen again. With two-faced people, sometimes other people are so fooled that they'll be like, "Well that's not my experience of her, so that's weird, I wonder who is telling the truth." So you might have to deal with that. But sooner or later, you will be vindicated.

[Anonymous]

Do a slow fade out of that friend group. Find new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the falling out about?

I have had falling outs that I will never recover from (even if the person apologized, I've seen who they really are and have no interest in being friends with them ever again), but not many. I guess luckily for me all the people I care about also saw these people for who they are so they don't associate with them anymore either. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone did something awful enough to me that I'd cut them off and then my friends and family were fine with them. I don't cut people off lightly, and the fact that everyone else I know also cut them off spoke to how awful they were. That's what surprises me about your situation - maybe it's something you can get over?

I don’t want to get into the details to stay anonymous. Frenemy is deeply troubled coming from a troubled childhood and family. You would never know this when you first meet. I am actually scared of her so it isn’t just a not like situation. I wish she could just not be in my life. She has like a split personality so her nice side is super likable. She is very pretty and friendly at first impression so most people like her, including me.

If you are genuinely scared of her, then you need to completely separate yourself from her and that friend group asap. Unfortunately, they will have to learn for themselves what she is like until then look for a new friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do a slow fade out of that friend group. Find new friends.

I have been doing a slow fade of the friend group I originally was in with the frenemy. She has somehow joined 3-4 other friend groups as well so I feel I cannot escape her. She has even joined the out of state groups where we go on group trips. Problem is that we have a mutual friend who is my new good friend so that good friend ALWAYS unvites the frenemy. I introduced them years ago and she does not know about our falling out.