When Caregiver Needs Care

[Anonymous]

My elderly FIL has assumed care for my MIL who has a form of dementia which right now manifests as short term memory loss and loss of executive functioning skills. FIL refuses to ask for help and is very much in denial - that he can continue to take care of MIL at home, can manage daily activities, has it all handled, etc.

Recently, FIL has needed ongoing medical treatment (outpatient surgeries and follow ups) and his plan is always that MIL goes along for the ride and DH or sibling drives and sits with MIL in waiting room.

DH is tasked with helping again soon with another FIL appointment. I suggested that it’s unfair for MIL to have to go to every appointment with FIL and that he and sibling divide care: one stays at home with mom, another drives dad to appointment. This makes sense, right?

[Anonymous]

Maybe. You're using twice as much sibling time that way. Is your DH up for that?

If MIL doesn't mind, it can be good for people with dementia to have daytime outings, even if this one sounds like a bit of a bummer it might be better than nothing.

I wonder why you think this is your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe. You're using twice as much sibling time that way. Is your DH up for that?

If MIL doesn't mind, it can be good for people with dementia to have daytime outings, even if this one sounds like a bit of a bummer it might be better than nothing.

I wonder why you think this is your business.

Probably bc in-laws are family too and when plans heavily involve her DH it impacts her life. WTH kind of question is this?

I care for my parent with dementia and DH is absolutely involved in discussing decisions I make bc my time caring for my parent impacts him and our kids.

[Anonymous]

Does your Dh and his sibling have unlimited time off work without impacting their career/ability to provide for their family?
I'm sorry to say that things are likely to get worse, not better, and they will probably need the time off/goodwill of their employer even more in the future.

[Anonymous]

that's multiplying, not dividing

[Anonymous]

So you're saying you want your DH to do twice as many appointments as he currently does?

[Anonymous]

OP back and a few things. DH sibling is recently retired and not married and now seems to be doing all the work. I’m trying to gently get DH to help more.

Was thinking my approach just makes more sense. Some of these appointments take 3-4 hours considering travel time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back and a few things. DH sibling is recently retired and not married and now seems to be doing all the work. I’m trying to gently get DH to help more.

Was thinking my approach just makes more sense. Some of these appointments take 3-4 hours considering travel time.

Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

If the parents' needs are met, then this is between your DH and his sibling. I really don't know why you think fairness to sibling is your quest to take up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back and a few things. DH sibling is recently retired and not married and now seems to be doing all the work. I’m trying to gently get DH to help more.

Was thinking my approach just makes more sense. Some of these appointments take 3-4 hours considering travel time.

All the more reason not to double-team it.

Look, the time will come when MIL can no longer handle going along on this kind of thing. So just let it come. There's no point in burning up so much time when it's not really needed.

And consider that MIL may feel most comfortable when she is near FIL, and this reduces the amount of time she spends apart from FIL. If she has trouble coping with his absence, it could be a reason to bring her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back and a few things. DH sibling is recently retired and not married and now seems to be doing all the work. I’m trying to gently get DH to help more.

Was thinking my approach just makes more sense. Some of these appointments take 3-4 hours considering travel time.

If your DH's sibling is fine with doing all the work, and the parents' needs are met, then why is this a problem for you?

[Anonymous]

I, for one, think OP's idea is brilliant. The point where FIL can't take care of MIL may come from FIL declining and not MIL. Even if his current medical issue is likely to resolve favorably, he could end up in the hospital or worse for something else at any time.

The more both siblings know about both of their needs, the better. OP's plan seems like a great test run for and maybe ultimately can get FIL to see having some breaks is okay/MIL may do perfectly fine without him occasionally. (She will do better with the DH/sibling the more she gets used to it, probably.) Or you ease him into occasional respite care, etc.

I see the thinking that a worse time is coming so save your energy now as counterproductive. Higher needs are coming one way or the other, so best to ease into it and gain as much information/experience as possible now. This will help set up or rule out different strategies, and buy in from OP's husband will get him directly involved in learning what everyone needs now to be able to best serve the decline when it does happen.

FIL could be one fall/pneumonia/Covid instance away from months in the hospital and rehabilitation. He's not fully accepting that yet. Having seen parents decline, the more information and options and knowledge and experience you can have in place sooner the better. That will mean less stress when the acute emergency comes.

[Anonymous]

^To be clear, I'm not necessarily saying expressly go against FIL's wishes, it may take some easing into with both siblings being at the house at the same time and FIL going out for a walk or whatever is shorter than a medical appointment, but sometimes you do just have to jump in and offer help that seems obvious to outsiders but the parent hasn't gotten there yet. FIL is taking on more stress than anyone is aware, including himself.

One other thing that differs from what others have said is I think OP is right to gently push her husband to get more involved, and just because it may make her life at home harder sooner doesn't mean it's not consistent with her values!

[Anonymous]

They need to be in assisted living. This is too much work to task a sibling with. I would absolutely not help.

[Anonymous]

Don’t tell sibling what to do, they are carrying the load and there are factors you may not understand. It’s ok to ask if an idea would be helpful, but don’t harp on things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I, for one, think OP's idea is brilliant. The point where FIL can't take care of MIL may come from FIL declining and not MIL. Even if his current medical issue is likely to resolve favorably, he could end up in the hospital or worse for something else at any time.

The more both siblings know about both of their needs, the better. OP's plan seems like a great test run for and maybe ultimately can get FIL to see having some breaks is okay/MIL may do perfectly fine without him occasionally. (She will do better with the DH/sibling the more she gets used to it, probably.) Or you ease him into occasional respite care, etc.

I see the thinking that a worse time is coming so save your energy now as counterproductive. Higher needs are coming one way or the other, so best to ease into it and gain as much information/experience as possible now. This will help set up or rule out different strategies, and buy in from OP's husband will get him directly involved in learning what everyone needs now to be able to best serve the decline when it does happen.

FIL could be one fall/pneumonia/Covid instance away from months in the hospital and rehabilitation. He's not fully accepting that yet. Having seen parents decline, the more information and options and knowledge and experience you can have in place sooner the better. That will mean less stress when the acute emergency comes.

OP back and thanks, you understand.

The Hackman deaths have given me anxiety. I could completely imagine a scenario where my FIL would refuse to hire any outside help and think he can DIY. He is one medical crisis away from leaving MIL completely alone.

I see DH complicit in denial of severity of his mother’s (and to a lesser degree his father’s) physical and mental decline. Precisely because my ILs have always done everything together (even in their younger days) FIL sees no reason to change this so it’s duo grocery shopping, errand running g and doctor appointments.

This is a great way to be certain that MIL is never left alone but becoming problematic. Recently FIL dropped MIL curbside and asked her to go in and wait while he parked the car. In the five minutes that elapsed, MIL, wandered well past the restaurant. Or, while loading the car for a trip out of town, MIL unpacked her luggage and stowed the luggage away. FIL had to repack everything.