Nobody can deal with my mom/she needs caregiver
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Anonymous
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Help! Mom had significant stroke in October, has regained some functioning but pretty sure she’ll never be able to live alone again. She has always been mean and volatile and her situation now has worsened her ability to deal with people. She needs round the clock care and has burned through 4 caregivers since coming home. She is awful
to them and they ( understandably) leave. She refuses to go an assisted living. She may have some early/mild dementia but no way would she be declared incompetent so she still gets to make her own decisions. My sister and I are over it. We’ve done a ton to try and support her and facilitate her care needs and it just feels like a big failure. We’ve checked out multiple assisted livings and she refuses. Do we just say “ok you’re in you’re own now?” |
Anonymous
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If she needs round the clock care, that is nursing, not assisted living.
People can make their own choices. "Mom, we can offer XY and Z. We recommend ABC Assisted Home, we have toured it and it's great. We can't force you, but we also can't help 24/7." Unless you're willing to get her declared incompetent. |
Anonymous
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Bring third party she respects talk to her like a pastor a rabbi or older relative.
She might listen to them. |
Anonymous
| I think you need to reach out to her county's senior services department, ask what sort of help they can give, and whether they have any advice. They've seen it all, probably. |
Anonymous
| If she is truly unable to care for herself, she will not be found competent. She can contest the competency process, but if the ad litum and her doctor or neurologist confirm dementia the court will likely give you guardianship. Can you hire a geriatric care manager to assist you in getting her to accept AL? |
Anonymous
This. At residential they can make sure she is properly medicated so she isn’t abusive. |
Anonymous
If she is mostly mentally there, you cannot get guardianship. It’s only easy at mid stage dementia. |
Anonymous
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Unfortunately, there really are only 2 answers.
1. You back off and just continue to check on her. When something eventually happens (she falls, gets a pressure injury from not moving, malnourished, etc) you can insist on taking her to the hospital. From there, you can try to work with the hospital staff regarding if she's safe to be discharged home (something I've been involved with a ton on a professional basis) and try to push for at least a short term rehab. 2. Attempt to get guardian ship over her and force her into a nursing home. It's not an easy thing to get if she's still mentally there. It would be nice if it was easy to get guardian ship over anyone who was making poor decisions like this, but if they are able to acknowledge and understand all the cons attached to their decision z it's often an uphill battle. I've witnessed people be declared competent even though they were choosing actions that would likely have dire consequences. But since they verbalized these consequences and clearly were able to demonstrate that they knew what they meant, they were ruled competent. So a couple thoughts. Are either you or your sister included in her doctor's care? Can you talk to her doctor and have access to her records? Is your dad still at home with her? You didn't mention him, so apologies if he's not around. But if he is, you have to think if this is a safe environment for him to be in. Would your mom allow for any type of camera system in the house so you and your sister could keep an eye on her? Does she have one of those help alert devices? Does she have an Alexa/Google device that she can tell to call 911? |
Anonymous
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How old is she? How are her finances?
Are you familiar with the term “activities of daily living”? They are dressing, toileting, washing, eating, mobility, and transferring (like from a bed to a chair). How many of those can she do on her own or does she need assistance for all? |
Anonymous
| I would also communicate with her doctor regarding her medications. The combinations could be altering her mood or perhaps an antidepressant is needed. |
Anonymous
The fact that she so angry is likely because she is masking her declining mental faculties. She may look okay to those who interact with her casually but the fact that she needs round the clock care is telling. A good geriatrics specialist will be able to discern her true capacity to make decisions. |
Anonymous
| Maybe contact her local council on aging and see if they have any recommendations or suggestions for you. I’m sorry Op, that is hard. Your mom is not using good judgment or she would be cooperating with the caregivers who are trying to make it possible for her to stay at home. |
Anonymous
| She needs to go into a nursing home. Look into medicaid. |