supporting friend who is TTC

[Anonymous]

Would appreciate some advice - a close friend is finding out today whether her first IUI cycle was successful - I want to let her know I'm thinking about her but certainly don't want her to stress her out in any way - should I call/text/email or just do nothing and know she knows I'm here for her (which she does)? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

A simple e-mail or text to say you're thinking of her would be a really nice gesture. Then wait for her to be in touch with any news (or not) on her own timeframe. You're sweet to be so supportive.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you asked. I have a good friend dealing with years of infertility. Two rounds of unsuccesful IVF. I haven't told her yet I'm 11 weeks pregnant. I feel weird about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad you asked. I have a good friend dealing with years of infertility. Two rounds of unsuccesful IVF. I haven't told her yet I'm 11 weeks pregnant. I feel weird about it.

What always helped me was when friends who knew my situation would email with their news ahead of time -just word it thoughtfully. It gave me time to process my complex emotions (happy for them, sad for me, etc), and then be happy for them (but not blindsided by their news) in person. The email allowed me to process information without having to have an immediate reaction for an audience.

[Anonymous]

I second telling people by email.

[Anonymous]

I would just email your friend something short and sweet like "Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. Hope all is well."

As for the woman who is newly pregnant. My best friend discovered she was pregnant while I was TTC (I had just "failed" my 2nd IUI) --- she just emailed me and said she wanted to let me know that she was pregnant. I was upset -- not that she was pregnant -- but it was just another slap in the face that I wasn't. But I appreciated the email because it was clear she was being sensitive to my situation. And after about 24 hours, I was able to email her my sincere congratulations. I just needed some time to process my thoughts, and the email allowed me to do that. I think had she told me in person, I would have cried, and I would have felt bad because that's not something I would have wanted to do to my best friend.

[Anonymous]

Just needed to share this. One year while TTC a friend told me she was pregnant on my birthday. I burst into tears and pretty much cried through my entire b'day "celebration" dinner. Worst. birthday. ever.

As for your friend with the IUI, I'd just email a note that you are thinking of her and are happy to talk when she's ready to share the results of the IUI.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all - just sent her a nice note (actually as part of another email conversation we were having) - glad to know this sort of thing is usually seen as supportive and not intrusive!

[Anonymous]

To the OP, I think a simple note like pp suggested is a good idea.

To the pregnant friend, don't hide it. A very good friend of mine got pregnant shortly after we got our infertility diagnosis. She didn't tell me. I went to visit her one day and noticed a baby bulge. I didn't say anything since I wasn't 100% sure. A few weeks later I noticed the bulge was bigger and knew she definitely was pregnant. W,hen she couldn't hide it anymore, she casually mentioned it in person like it wasn't a big deal (#2 for her). I was hurt that she didn't share her news when she found out and more hurt that she felt she needed to hide it from me until she absolutely couldn't any more. I had been very open with her about our struggles and it would have been great if she could have been equally as open. Please don't wait to tell your friend and I agree with pp that you should tell your friend via email about your pregnancy so she has time to digest it and isn't put on the spot.

[Anonymous]

I think for the first few cycles, people are usually pretty happy to share the experience. If it doesn't work after a few tries though, things can get a little iffier. I think it's always ok to very discreetly ask how things are going, but probably not a good idea to be too direct.

[Anonymous]

I agree, simply write an email saying. "Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you today!" Don't ask for results, let her tell you when she is ready.

For those needing to tell someone struggling with Infertility that they are pregnant, I also agree, do it in an email but don't include anyone else on the email. However, I also wouldn't mind a phone call, a friend of mine did this once and I was okay with it. The email may make her feel like you are afraid to talk to her. Either way, I would tell her first so that she doesn't hear it from someone else.

[Anonymous]

on telling you are preg - part of the upset that comes when you are trying but a friend succeeds is that the news makles you want to conceive even more. We all want to have kids when our friends are so that we can go through the experience together; our kids can become playmates, etc. It is thus yet another loss, another thing we are missing out on. It's not that friends don't want to be happy for one another, but that we want to be with our friends on this journey...not left out - again.