Any way to talk sense into my mom?

[Anonymous]

Two Saturdays ago my mom (75) took a tumble and thought maybe she broke her foot. By the time I got to her house a couple hours later it was swelling up and beginning to bruise, but she insisted she could walk on it (and she was) and stubbornly would not go to the hospital, claiming she would see how she felt the next day. I helped her wrap it and she promised she would stay off of it and have my dad drive her to the hospital if it was worse.

Sunday it was worse but she said she would see her GP the following day, which she did. GP didn’t think it was broken, or at least that’s what my mom is claiming but who knows if she’s telling truth, because what doctor wouldn’t recommend an xray to be sure?

For the rest of the week she claimed it was “getting better”. Then on Friday she called and said it was hurting again and bruised all the way to her knee. She refused the hospital again. Then suddenly it was fine again until today.

Now she’s in excruciating pain and can’t walk on it anymore. She claims tomorrow she will call an orthopedic doctor her GP recommended, but I don’t believe her because she claims it’s “already Wednesday” and they likely won’t be able to see her until next week, and is coming up with excuses about how she doesn’t like how far away the office is, and maybe she should take the weekend to research.

She needs it xray’d NOW. I told her it’s been nearly two weeks, if it was broken, it’s setting already and she’s making it worse. But she’s mad and told me to stay out of it and not “lecture her like a child”. So yeah. She does have medical anxiety and imagines worst case scenarios.

So what is a daughter to do?

[Anonymous]

Can you take her to an ortho urgent care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you take her to an ortho urgent care?

She refuses to go, won’t get in the car, then gets mad.

[Anonymous]

Unless you can scream even louder than she does and scare/manhandle her in to the car... I don't think you win this one, OP. It's clearly broken and she will rue the consequences. I would try throwing a very loud fit, just to see if it works (you need to know for next time, because obviously there will be a next time).

[Anonymous]

I assume your dad goes along to get along/survive? I had to eventually hire a geriatric case worker. I stay out of it and just call her. Mom behaved better for her and she is trained to work with these sorts of things.

Mom is still mom-stubborn, difficult and anxious, but this woman can convince her to much needed tests and yes, even an Xray when mom broke her arm. She also has contacts to have doctors come to mom when needed. Aides come to help her fix meals and bathe. It takes out all the dysfunctional dynamics of treating me like a disobedient child while she acts like a hostile teen and wants me to parent her, but she also wants me to be subservient and be a pacifier to all her anxieties. Most importantly, I can make sure she is getting decent care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume your dad goes along to get along/survive? I had to eventually hire a geriatric case worker. I stay out of it and just call her. Mom behaved better for her and she is trained to work with these sorts of things.

Mom is still mom-stubborn, difficult and anxious, but this woman can convince her to much needed tests and yes, even an Xray when mom broke her arm. She also has contacts to have doctors come to mom when needed. Aides come to help her fix meals and bathe. It takes out all the dysfunctional dynamics of treating me like a disobedient child while she acts like a hostile teen and wants me to parent her, but she also wants me to be subservient and be a pacifier to all her anxieties. Most importantly, I can make sure she is getting decent care.

I don't think I've ever seen this dynamic described so accurately as you have here. My mother is also in her hostile teen era and I'm absolutely at my wits end. Somehow your description is helping me understand things a little better.

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing you can do. Just tell her what you think one time and tell her you’ll drive her to urgent care or the ER as soon as she’s ready.

[Anonymous]

I had a fall and the ankle turned black and blue. But I could tell no bones were broken. I iced, wrapped, stayed off it, and kept elevated for 24 hours. Fast forward 2 months and while mine has never gotten as bad as your mom's mine still isn't 100%. Went to GP today and he has ordered an no-contrast MRI. He said the bones in the foot are small and it can be hard to tell what is what using and x-ray.

Tell your mom that this is only going to get worse, and even after it finally heals, if it doesn't heal properly it will always hurt--like arthritis. Does she want to end up having to go around in one of the elderly scooters? Can her DH really deal with getting those scooters in and out of a car?

Just go to the doctor. Also, could there be an element of dementia here? First the fall, now the pain and complaining but unwillingness to do anything about it?

Something definitely doesn't seem right here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two Saturdays ago my mom (75) took a tumble and thought maybe she broke her foot. By the time I got to her house a couple hours later it was swelling up and beginning to bruise, but she insisted she could walk on it (and she was) and stubbornly would not go to the hospital, claiming she would see how she felt the next day. I helped her wrap it and she promised she would stay off of it and have my dad drive her to the hospital if it was worse.

Sunday it was worse but she said she would see her GP the following day, which she did. GP didn’t think it was broken, or at least that’s what my mom is claiming but who knows if she’s telling truth, because what doctor wouldn’t recommend an xray to be sure?

For the rest of the week she claimed it was “getting better”. Then on Friday she called and said it was hurting again and bruised all the way to her knee. She refused the hospital again. Then suddenly it was fine again until today.

Now she’s in excruciating pain and can’t walk on it anymore. She claims tomorrow she will call an orthopedic doctor her GP recommended, but I don’t believe her because she claims it’s “already Wednesday” and they likely won’t be able to see her until next week, and is coming up with excuses about how she doesn’t like how far away the office is, and maybe she should take the weekend to research.

She needs it xray’d NOW. I told her it’s been nearly two weeks, if it was broken, it’s setting already and she’s making it worse. But she’s mad and told me to stay out of it and not “lecture her like a child”. So yeah. She does have medical anxiety and imagines worst case scenarios.

So what is a daughter to do?

I think the bolded would have pi**ed me off so much that I'd tell her I'm not treating her like a child because I would have already physically dragged my child to the doctor because ignoring a broken bone is child abuse. And that you're happy to go that route. But don't come crying to me when you never walk the same again. And then I'd work on my dad behind the scenes. If he's lived with this he has ways of coaxing her.

I get the anxiety of imagining the worst case scenario, but what is actually worse than imagining it is living it.

[Anonymous]

Drug her, then put her in a wheelbarrow and wheel her to a car, and then drive her to an ER. Wait sorry - I thought this was 1984 and an episode of the A-Team.

Seriously, where is your dad in all this? I'd tell her that the worst case is she lets her anxiety keep her from getting her leg set and casted, and then needs it AMPUTATED. Or she can let you/Dad take her to the ER where they can give her an Ativan for her nerves and then x-ray, (probably re-break but don't tell her that) set and cast it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t want to waste resources but can you call an ambulance to come take her? Since she’s older they will probably take her to the hospital and not give her a choice. That’s what my cousin did with my great uncle who fell and broke his hip but refused to get care for several days.

[Anonymous]

I would start yelling at her.

[Anonymous]

I would have told her if she doesn’t get in the car I’m calling an ambulance. Then I would have followed through. There are so many bad things that can happen with untreated broken bones. She could get an infection that spreads up her leg.

[Anonymous]

A daughter talks to her Dad. Talks to her Dad because, especially, she thinks her Mom is not being rational. He has the power, the legal power for her care *you do not*

[Anonymous]

Better start developing a good, smooth working relationship with Dad about these care issues. He will have the legal power for her care, once Mom is not capable