men!

[Anonymous]

Anyone out there have a husband/partner that just doesn't get why not being able to get pregnant is upsetting to you? Or why it would be upsetting for another family member to announce her pregnancy (2d) when you've been trying for over a year? My husband just does NOT understand why I don't take the same approach as him to this whole ttc thing -- everything will be okay. And sometimes I just really wish he'd say, yeah I am scared too or yeah this is really tough or yeah I am happy for them but yes it does a hurt a little that we can't have that too. When I cry he just kind of looks at me as if I am an alien. I feel soooo alone. Oh -- and yes I am in counseling and no he won't go to counseling.

[Anonymous]

Men are wired a bit differently. They are not the one's whose body is supposed to be equipped to carry a child. So they can't really understand how devestating or challenging it is for a woman who struggles in that area. I guess the best thing to compare it to for men(and it really doens't compare in my opinion) is not being able to perform...that's something all men think should never be a problem...but ask him how he would feel if he couldn't get it up no matter how bad he wanted to.

Overall, they just don't get it and sometimes it's best to have a network of GF's going through something similar to vent to...I'm sorry you're going through this..

[Anonymous]

My husband had a similar "it will all work out" "we've only been trying a year" attitude. Then we found out he also had issues (motility) and it really hit home for him. I was upset to have double the issues but part of me was happy he had a problem too. He was really down and tried to explain to me that he just never thought that could be a problem and he felt like a failure. Then he tried to explain to me it was even more upsetting to him than it was to me that I had problems, because men aren't supposed to have these issues.

That argument of course makes no sense. But it shows me that he just couldn't wrap his head around it until he was in the same shoes. Since then, he's had a very different attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are wired a bit differently. They are not the one's whose body is supposed to be equipped to carry a child. So they can't really understand how devestating or challenging it is for a woman who struggles in that area. I guess the best thing to compare it to for men(and it really doens't compare in my opinion) is not being able to perform...that's something all men think should never be a problem...but ask him how he would feel if he couldn't get it up no matter how bad he wanted to.

Overall, they just don't get it and sometimes it's best to have a network of GF's going through something similar to vent to...I'm sorry you're going through this..

I can relate to this, unfortunately, because I am having troubles being "able to perform," and I'm a woman. So, with almost no libido, and wanting to TTC, that's an unfavorable combination.

[Anonymous]

Also, he is probably not reading a bunch of blogs and internet chats, so he has not heard the horror stories and followed other people's failure. He is probably thinking, OK there are doctors and science to handle this, it will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, he is probably not reading a bunch of blogs and internet chats, so he has not heard the horror stories and followed other people's failure. He is probably thinking, OK there are doctors and science to handle this, it will be ok.

That is a really great point! I never thought of that. A lot of people are big believers in science, and for most things, science will solve the issue. It's just that we know that that's not always the case with fertility issues.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of times men are also trained to be "the rock" in a relationship. A good part of his behavior may be that he's trying to demonstrate his belief that it'll all be okay by not getting rattled or emotional about it.

Stupid, I know, but it's pretty common.

[Anonymous]

11:06 here - my husband always has an optimistic attitude. He always thinks everything will be okay and when it's not, we'll worry about it at that point. I like to prepare for things being bad and be surprised when they aren't. For a long time he wouldn't have a conversation with me about adopting and while that's a long way off, I want to have it in the back of our minds that we may have to go that route.

After we found out there was a male factor he suddenly wanted to lay everything out and have a month by month plan so we knew when we'd move to IUI, IVF and then adoption.

[Anonymous]

It's immature to get upset when another family member announces her pregnancy (2d) .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's immature to get upset when another family member announces her pregnancy (2d) .

To show mixed feelings might be immature, but to have a knee-jerk reaction of "why not me" is perfectly normal.

PP, how many years have you been TTC. Your response sounds like that of someone who has not had a long journey to parenthood.

[Anonymous]

If your DH would be willing to go to a couple's support group, that might help. DH and I went to one while going through IF and I think it really helped him to hear other women talk about how hard IF is. It helped him see that his wife wasn't crazy and that being upset about things like baby showers and pregnancy annoucements was something that all or most women dealing with IF go through. We found our couples support group through Resolve.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

11:44 thank you for your judgment. That was really helpful. Maybe you and my husband can hang out some time. It's not like I am vocal to anyone other than my husband about my being upset re: pregnant family member. Nor do I begrudge her her happiness. In fact, I am the one throwing her the baby shower. Anyway -- for the rest of you -- thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's immature to get upset when another family member announces her pregnancy (2d) .

Really? Why is it immature to feel upset? I think that's a natural and completely understandable feeling for some people. Maybe you feel differently in your life, but that doesn't make it the only acceptable feeling one can have.

Either way, I think it's rude and just plain inappropriate to label someone else's feelings "immature". You might want to consider what it would look like to be more empathetic.

[Anonymous]

ugh -- just ignore 11:44. There are some really mean trolls out there and I think it's disgusting they prey on the women on this board who are looking for support.

OP, I have no rationale to offer, but just some emphathy to let you know you're not alone. Good for you for taking the initiative to find professional support. Take care of yourself and best of luck.

[Anonymous]

It's immature to get upset when another family member announces her pregnancy (2d) .

Are you kidding me? This is a very natural reaction, it would be immature if she actually acted upset toward the person but I'm sure this is a feeling that she keeps to herself and then tries to express to her husband who doesn't get it. This combination can make someone feel very alone. I've been there many times. OP, I suffered infertility for 5 years (no sign of a positive test) and finally got pregnant by IVF. Unfortunately the emotional scars that infertility leaves behind are very real. I still feel a twinge of jealousy when I hear about people getting pregnant. My advice is to find a group of girls that are going through the same thing and then you can talk freely with people who actually understand what you are going through - this is what helped me.