Would you get this teen relative a gift? How can I be there but also not undermine his guardian

[Anonymous]

Young Relative(17m) has biological parents in a drug spiral, he didn’t receive gifts for Christmas from either parent. He’s staying with a maternal cousin who is elderly who did get him some of his favorite candies and sodas for Christmas. She’s on limited income and he seems to be thriving with her.

My heart wants to send something as a gift that he would have gotten from his parents but I don’t want to undermine what has been provided to him if that makes sense.

The relative is a shared relative of ours and is in her late 70s. So more of a grandmother to him though also a cousin. But she calls me periodically with updates on their situation.

If I send something like an Xbox gift card or anything else, is that making her gift of his favorite treats look bad?

I want to help and show him that he is loved by more people than he knows but also not undermine her efforts.

I also don’t want her to feel like she needs to send my children a gift either or that they owe me anything.

[Anonymous]

Talk to his current guardian and tell her you’d like to send some gift(s). Offer some suggestions and see what she says. She might not know what an X-box is and will probably be happy to have you contribute! If you’re in a position to help I would be surprised if she didn’t welcome it.

Poor kiddo, at least he has loving family to support him and not leave him to the wolves..

[Anonymous]

I think you should make her feel included on the gift. Give her a call and say, hey, I was thinking of giving Danny a PlayStation for Christmas, but I wanted to make sure that’s OK with you. Or is there anything else you think he’d really love/be able to use?

Sounds like this kid has some great adults in his life, which is so fortunate.

[Anonymous]

I definitely would give the gift. I would just send the gift card... she doesn't need to know how much was on it and I doubt she would know how much the games cost.

[Anonymous]

Call her and ask if it's okay to send him stuff. And what we might need so she feels included. It's very nice of you.

Some other suggestions:
Write him a letter saying you want to check him and let him know that you are there for him.

Schedule Facetime calls with him and you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

I would call and talk to her about it. She will know what he needs. I don’t think you need to worry so much about stepping on her toes but she will know if he needs clothes or money to go out with friends more than Xbox.

You might also think about whether you can provide some regular support for ongoing expenses, or even something like a one time gift to her of a grocery store card.