Casual relationship - what would you do?

[Anonymous]

1 year post divorce and I’ve been casually seeing someone I’ve known through work for 5 years. We live about 3 hours apart but have seen each other every few weeks for the past 4 months. When together, conversation is great, sex is amazing, he’s attentive, and we have a really good time together.

We talk almost daily through text. I typically always initiate, but he’s quick to respond but not always great about keeping the conversation going. I initiate when we get together too.

He’s dealing with some health stuff and when I talked to him about what this is and where he sees this going, he said he needs to figure his health out first. I totally get it and understand completely. I’m just not sure if I’m being blind to the fact that yea, he may like me, but he’s not that into it.

I like him, I’ve known him a long time and can see myself falling for him. Do I end it now?

[Anonymous]

It really depends on what you are looking for here. Rather than focusing on what his intentions are, can you better define what you’re looking for? One year post-divorce is a big transition time and it’s reasonable not to know, but it puts this guy in a difficult position to answer your question if you’re not sure what you yourself are seeking.

For what it’s worth, my experience with men is that they like the kind of arrangement that you are describing: he has someone he can rely on for emotional support and sex, but it’s pretty low commitment if you guys live three hours apart. It basically allows him to have the benefits of a relationship while keeping his options open. If that’s OK with you and the same is true for you then that may work out well. But what you have right now is a low to moderate commitment LTR and the question is whether or not you’re looking for that.

[Anonymous]

ETA, hard to comment on where his health issues fit into this. Makes a big difference if we were talking about chronic low back pain for which he is in PT or is he mid work up for potential cancer.

[Anonymous]

I think he’s being honest and open. Ask yourself is there better out there? Do you want to rush into another marriage? Women tend to seek out a lot of validation. You read too much into things. I’d say, relax, enjoy the good and see where it goes. Don’t let insecurity blow up a good thing. Be glad he’s mature and not leading you on. Give it time. I always say, men are simple. Don’t overcomplicate or over analyze their actions and words.

[Anonymous]

I’d stop Initiating.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you have sex with him is less than casual in my opinion. It’s crossed to the next stage.

The health issues is the concerning one. You need to ask How much it will really mean to you.

[Anonymous]

Stop initiating.

For the next month you’re only allowed to engage when he reaches out first. Do not invite him to anything.

That should give you a lot of insight into how often he thinks of you and if you actually even have a relationship. It sounds like you’re distant friends and you offered benefits that he accepted. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe not. But just because he’s overall a good person doesn’t mean he’s a good boyfriend or partner for you.

[Anonymous]

The long distance makes this a difficult relationship to maintain/turn into something more committed unless either of you are willing and able to move. Has that come up in conversation? I agree with other PPs: stop initiating and see if he is truly engaged and interested in you.

[Anonymous]

Whener a man has health issues women automatically assume it's the worse case scenario.

[Anonymous]

It depends on how you feel and what you want. If you want a relationship with someone who is equally reciprocating and invested, at the very least you should pull back and consider your options.

I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation, and this is what I did. In my case, I knew this person years ago. We had always felt a connection but due to timing had never dated. We met after my divorce and were dating for a month or two but had not yet slept together, when he experienced a personal tragedy.

I saw him a few months after that. He tried to hook up with me but I told him I didn’t do that casually. I did tell him how I felt about him and that I was falling for him. He said he wasn’t in the right place at that time, which I respected. We’ve been in touch sporadically. He sometimes initiates but rarely since his tragedy.

I still have strong feelings for this person and hope we can start again down the line, but in the meantime I decided to go on dates with other people. I want a relationship and am not comfortable with undefined “connections” if only because I find it’s distracting and drains my emotional energy at a time when I want to pour into my life.

[Anonymous]

If you initiate and that means he gets sex sure he's responsive. See what happens if you stop initiating.

[Anonymous]

I personally would not have sex with someone in this context. It's too casual. I care about my emotional and physical health and sleeping with someone who is not exclusive and will not DTR is not my thing.

If you are ok with casual sex then fine but just be aware that is what it is. He is not committing to you.

[Anonymous]

Do you always travel to him, or is it pretty even?

It sounds like he’s getting exactly what he wants and needs with the status quo - he said as much when he was honest about not being ready to think about the future. There’s actually no mystery there. He’s enjoying it for what it is, and you want more.

There’s no way to predict the future so you just have to ask yourself if you’re okay with the status quo without commitment or planning for a shared future.

[Anonymous]

Stop initiating and see what happens. The answer will be revealed.

[Anonymous]

What is the health issue?