Jewish Funeral?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to the funeral of a friend this week, and it's a Jewish service. I've never been to one before and don't know what, if anything, I should be aware of? (I don't want to offend anyone). Any advice is appreciated.

She died much too young.

[Anonymous]

bump, in case anyone might want to share something.

from what i've read, sending flowers isn't really done, but I can bring food for the family. ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:bump, in case anyone might want to share something.

from what i've read, sending flowers isn't really done, but I can bring food for the family. ?

After the funeral they will probably sit Shiva for a few days. Feel free to bring food when you visit at that time. I haven't been to that many funerals (thank goodness) but I would think a Jewish one wouldn't be that different from one of a different religion in terms of behavior. Good people of any religion will be grateful that you came and paid your respects. I'm very sorry about your friend.

[Anonymous]

A couple of things about Jewish funerals. There is no wake. There is "visitation" before the actual funeral at the funeral home or at the synagogue. The casket is always closed. The casket will be simple, unadorned with the exception of a Jewish star. The casket also has no metal. After the funeral there will be a short service at the cemetary.

The family will probably sit shiva a night or two, depending on when the funeral is. (Rosh Hashanna is this week which will cut the shiva period.) Shiva is basically visitation at a family member's home with a short service which takes place in the evening. Shiva takes place after the funeral, beginning the night of the funeral and goes on 7 days(shiva means 7 in Hebrew) or to the Sabbath or major holiday. There are also periods during the year where you don't sit shiva at all because of some holiday or other period in the Jewish calendar. I can't remember them all. The fall has a lot of them.

Feel free to bring food to the shiva house, but don't bring pork or shellfish. Even if they don't keep kosher, it is bad form. You are probably best off bringing something vegetarian or dairy based with no meat at all. Sweet stuff, veggies and fruit trays area usually good bets.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

I've only been to graveside services for Jewish family members. There was nothing unusual about them (other than men wearing yarmulkes of course, which are usually provided by the rabbi). The other distinctive feature of Jewish funerals is that they have to be quick - within 3 days of the death I think.

[Anonymous]

The family will probably have a piece of black fabric pinned to their clothes.

If you go to the house when they sit shiva you will probably notice the mirrors are all covered

[Anonymous]

if you go to the graveside part, it is normal for attendees to take turns shoveling a symbolic amount of dirt onto the coffin; the rabbi or officiant will probably explain/narrate. not mandatory to do. i've actually never been to a non-jewish funeral, but in movies, i've never seen this happen). also, as you probably know, much of the funeral service will probably be in hebrew.

[Anonymous]

if you dont want to briing food, you can always make a donation to a charity in memory of the deceased. That goes over well in every faith! Many people ask for donations to a specific charity in lieu of flowers - check the obit.

[Anonymous]

Isn't there a special chair when people are sitting shiva? That noone is supposed to sit in?

[Anonymous]

The very religious sit on benches, which are brought in for the family. Likely not relevant here, and if the family does that, it will be obvious.

I haven't been to too many non-Jewish funerals, but in general, I have found that the Jewish ones tend to be shorter - perhaps because of the follow-up at the graveyard.

As 12:32 said, families will take turns shoveling in dirt - usually until the coffin is completely covered, and then the gravediggers finish. Sometimes, however, a family's custom may be to do the entire burial themselves.

You don't have to help with the shoveling, but if this is a friend you cared about, it would be nice to participate if offered the chance.

(as an aside, you will see people place rocks on the tombstones of their deceased - just like in the movies.)

[Anonymous]

Don't sit on any chairs or couches where they may have removed cushions to make the seats shorter / more uncomfortable. Those are reserved for family members.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thanks, everyone. The service was beautiful. Such a wonderful woman and beautiful family. My heart goes out to all of them.