First Christmas with mom in memory care

[Anonymous]

Went to see mom today. Cognitively she has deteriorated more in a month since I last saw her. I know it was the right thing to place her there. But it is sad.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, PP. this is definitely hard and especially so around the holidays. I hope you have people in your circle you can lean on and share your feelings with.

[Anonymous]

Ugh OP so sorry

Growing old is hard

[Anonymous]

It's hard, but you did the right thing! I'm glad you understand that. Think of the other thread of moving mom around for the holidays with the best of intentions, but which can lead to agitation, more accidents, stress. Your mom will have a secure setting where you can visit and be at your best and try to make things as calm and pleasant as you can when you visit. Teepa Snow has some good suggestions like playing favorite music or sitting outside with her and just being in the moment (when Spring comes). Does the Memory Care have a garden with seats?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. This type of transition is very difficult.

I wish you peace and hope you have a good support network.

[Anonymous]

I am also experiencing this. I feel like the worst daughter ever and my mother was so good to me. It feels more like a psych ward than a nursing home. Anyway, good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Think about it - when you are the caregiver, you are doing mostly solo what an entire multidisciplinary team is doing at the memory care. It’s just incredibly hard and not necessarily better for your loved one. They are safe in memory care, and cannot wander into harm’s way.

Now you can focus on just being her child again and as PP said, create moments of calm and connection, even if fleeting; in memory care, all they have us the moment they’re in.

[Anonymous]

I’m gearing up to visit my mom in memory care today. I’m hoping she doesn’t really realize it’s Christmas. I am bringing some gifts and planning on spending a little extra time with her but these days too much time seems worse than too little, at least for her. I hate that this is the way things have gone for her.

[Anonymous]

Took my husband and teenage daughter with me today after visiting mom on my own the last several days and daughter cried over situation and how things have changed.

[Anonymous]

I just got back from visiting my mom in memory care. She was a hot mess when I got over there, agitated about something that was happening. It took almost an hour to calm her down and get her laughing but it was apparent Christmas wasn’t going to happen. I’m not sure if she even knew it was Christmas. I’d brought some wrapped presents for her to open but I just kept them in a bag and figure I’ll just bring her little gifts over the next few months. She was in good spirits by the time I left but I hate this so much for her.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP, but you are doing the right thing even if it is hard to swallow. At this point, the only thing you can control is your own expectations. A normal Christmas celebration is too much to ask for now. I think you should take it as a win that she was in good spirits when you left. Also, many small gifts will probably be better in the long run than one big day. Hugs to you and your family as you navigate through this.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry op. Similar story here except my mom and I do t really get along. Took me until age 50 to realize how emotionally abusuve a s neglectful age was with me. I still go see her more out of obligation. It still
Is very hard. I think your situation is harder.

[Anonymous]

My mom is also in memory care many states away. I have many small children and couldn’t visit her for Christmas. She was with other family but I feel so guilty and sad about it.
It’s an impossible situation and my husband doesn’t seem to care much to support me in this.