Does a codependent enabler ever snap out of it?

[Anonymous]

My mom was always the "nice one." My dad was abusive, verbally with me and physically with my sibling. My mom would always make excuses for my dad, shift guilt onto us. Recently my sibling after a year of marriage started having abusive behavior toward his wife (not hitting but a lot of other things). He is the golden child in the family, I am the scapegoat (I'm also the girl). My mother told this to another family member, blaming the daughter-in-law.

On one hand, I felt vindicated because I had told people that my family was abusive but not sure anyone cared or believed me. On the other hand, I hope the wife will leave and not get sucked into the abuse cycle of my family. I'm assuming she didn't grow up with it herself like I did, so might have a chance to get out.

I'm also wondering if my mom will ever take the side of the victim or if she will be the enabler for life.

[Anonymous]

I have seen the family dynamics in my own continue across generations. Your mother is unlikely to change. Offer DV resources to SIL and consider low contact and therapy for yourself. If you have kids I would not involve them with these dynamics and people.

[Anonymous]

Nope, will never change

[Anonymous]

No they will never change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have seen the family dynamics in my own continue across generations. Your mother is unlikely to change. Offer DV resources to SIL and consider low contact and therapy for yourself. If you have kids I would not involve them with these dynamics and people.

OP - I cut off contact with my family (parents and brother) a couple years ago after my own separation due to an abusive spouse. I saw how my parents took the side of my ex. I don't have a relationship with the SIL as a result, which is why I heart about this through other relatives. I hope SIL has her own support network.

[Anonymous]

Glad to hear, OP. Wish her well from afar.

[Anonymous]

your mom will enable and for life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your mom will enable and for life

+1 you sibling never does wrong do they op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your mom will enable and for life

+1 you sibling never does wrong do they op?

OP - correct, my sibling has taken on my dad’s traits. I have not fully taken on my mom’s enabling/excuses/unhealthy support of my dad and brother and so I am usually the “bad” one. I’m working on these dynamics in therapy because they were present in my marriage but became more pronounced during the pandemic and I left.

[Anonymous]

OP - I used to wonder what would happen when my dad died. Now I realize she’ll just move onto my brother. Currently their dynamic is ruining his marriage, or at minimum making it miserable for SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, will never change

Truth

[Anonymous]

No! Sorry. You will never get the mother that you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, will never change

This

[Anonymous]

I was verbally abused my whole life. It’s terrible. I’m sorry you had to go through it too.

My sibling abuses their child verbally and probably spouse too.

Look up Karpman’s Triangle. You might find it useful to read about like I did.

Hope your SIL can get out and hope you find peace.

[Anonymous]

I mean, if you are already the bad guy- there is no harm in reaching out to SIL to let her know she has your support if she needs it. That you know the truth of your family dynamics and how damaged everyone is and you get no support from any of them so you are assuming she is in the same boat and you will support her if she needs it.

She will either ignore this, use it to complain about you/further bond her to your brother, or take you up on the offer and you will have support from her as well.