Partners in big law

[Anonymous]

Men and women - if you have kids does your spouse work or have a big job? Or are they the primary parent?

Every partner in big law that I know has a stay at home spouse or a spouse who has a very flexible job and does 95% of the kid related things.

I think those who can make it to be a partner in a law firm truly only get there because they have the support of their partner. Do you agree?

[Anonymous]

I know one (woman) who has a dh who works a lot too. She has a FT nanny who works long hours, cooks, cleans, does all school activities, and a mother who flies over to help very frequently.

[Anonymous]

I know two double big law partner families. Live in help for both. A third I know is married to a high up in house counsel, they have a nanny on top of regular childcare. FWIW my spouse isn’t in big law but has a job that’s just as demanding and same pay and I do most of childcare.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple—big law partners. They put their kids in boarding schools that are local. Talk about outsourcing. The eldest ended up with a terrible drug addiction.

[Anonymous]

I know a two biglaw partner couple. They have a day nanny, a night nanny and a weekend nanny. I wish I was joking - I am not.

I actually wanted to see my kids so I didn't stay in biglaw.

[Anonymous]

Op - obviously my DH is a big law partner. I truly don’t think he would have been able to get there if we weren’t married. Maybe if he was single with no kids but the motivation to provide for his kids is also a big driver for him being a partner.

He is able to focus 80% of his time on his work and therefore has been able to keep moving up the ladder. I work too but in a very flexible job and do 80% of the childcare.

[Anonymous]

SOrry OP and all the people with an agenda.... but the view from the inside of biglaw..... is a lot of dual high earning spouses. Gone are the days of sahm wives of big law partners. That was 20 years ago.

The two old timer heads of our practice group (60+) have sahws.

Running through the other partners:
- me (mid 40s) with DH with high powered job
- my partner mentor (age 62) with FT in-house law wife and kid
- mid 40s man with FT in-house law wife and kid
- mid 40s man with FT govt lawyer wife and kid
- mid 50s man with FT doctor wife and kids
- mid 30s man with PT doctor wife and kids
- mid 30s woman with FT doctor husband and kids
- mid 40s man with sahm wife and 3 kids
- mid 50s woman with husband with regular FT job that i don't know what he does, plus kids
- mid 40s woman and a husband with regular FT job and i don't know what he does, plus kid
- mid 40s man with wife with "big" job in nonprofit and kid
- mid 50s man with sahw and kids
- and a few young women in their mid 30s who are single

That's who i can think of off hand. The men with sahws are rarities, and almost unheard of for those under 55. I will say most of us chose to have just 1 kid - makes it a lot easier. I don't know anyone in my group who ever had a live in nanny (but i can't claim to know what they all did years ago), and i don't think any of them with school age kids had nannies past K. There's a lot more flexibility in big law than 20 years ago, and everyone expects partners - men and women - to come and go for family needs within reason.

I see a lot of men in biglaw check out from the family - but that's a personality defect and not a necessity of the job. But I see an equal number of sahws of biglaw partners who feel the need to rationalize quitting their own jobs, when it really wasn't needed. If you want 3 kids, then yeah sure - it's hard to do that with a big law partner plus FT working spouse. But less than 3 and it's really common for dual working couples.

[Anonymous]

I also think it is much more possible to be a big law partner with a spouse who has a demanding job if you have local, helpful grandparents. And it is much harder if you also have eldercare responsibilities. Whenever I look at someone and think "I don't know how she does it," the answer is often that her mom is local and helps out. Nannies are great - but often people are more comfortable with their mom taking their kid to the doctor or overseeing homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SOrry OP and all the people with an agenda.... but the view from the inside of biglaw..... is a lot of dual high earning spouses. Gone are the days of sahm wives of big law partners. That was 20 years ago.

The two old timer heads of our practice group (60+) have sahws.

Running through the other partners:
- me (mid 40s) with DH with high powered job
- my partner mentor (age 62) with FT in-house law wife and kid
- mid 40s man with FT in-house law wife and kid
- mid 40s man with FT govt lawyer wife and kid
- mid 50s man with FT doctor wife and kids
- mid 30s man with PT doctor wife and kids
- mid 30s woman with FT doctor husband and kids
- mid 40s man with sahm wife and 3 kids
- mid 50s woman with husband with regular FT job that i don't know what he does, plus kids
- mid 40s woman and a husband with regular FT job and i don't know what he does, plus kid
- mid 40s man with wife with "big" job in nonprofit and kid
- mid 50s man with sahw and kids
- and a few young women in their mid 30s who are single

That's who i can think of off hand. The men with sahws are rarities, and almost unheard of for those under 55. I will say most of us chose to have just 1 kid - makes it a lot easier. I don't know anyone in my group who ever had a live in nanny (but i can't claim to know what they all did years ago), and i don't think any of them with school age kids had nannies past K. There's a lot more flexibility in big law than 20 years ago, and everyone expects partners - men and women - to come and go for family needs within reason.

I see a lot of men in biglaw check out from the family - but that's a personality defect and not a necessity of the job. But I see an equal number of sahws of biglaw partners who feel the need to rationalize quitting their own jobs, when it really wasn't needed. If you want 3 kids, then yeah sure - it's hard to do that with a big law partner plus FT working spouse. But less than 3 and it's really common for dual working couples.

Op here - no agenda just commenting.

FWIW I work full time at a very flexible job and we have 3 kids (one of whom is still daycare age).

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the age of the kids also. We have bopped between biglaw, government, and in house over 20ish years and that feels strategic.

[Anonymous]

Different experience from above pp. Most of the male partners in my group have SAHWs (or something very light) and between 2-5 kids. The female partners all have spouses who work, and will have multiple nannies if they have children. Almost all the associates have a working spouse though, though that’s less true the more senior you go (for the men).

[Anonymous]

I know two double-biglaw partner couples in their 40s and they live in NYC, which I think makes a big difference in terms of convenience and accessibility. All our other biglaw partner friends (who we know well enough to know their exact childcare situations) are in the suburbs:
50s partner + 40s SAHM (DC)
40s partner + 40s SAHM (DC)
30s partner + 30s SAHM (NYC)
30s partner + 30s SAHM (ATL)
30s partner + 30s SAHM w PT job (DC)
30s partner + 30s of counsel DW, nanny + FT daycare (DC)
30s partner + 30s FT nonlegal DH, nanny + FT daycare (DC)
30s of counsel + 30s SAHM (DC)
All of the SAHMs are well-educated; the four that come from some privilege hold advanced degrees. No one has any real family help when it comes to childcare or household management.