New to This and Lost w/ Supporting 70 yo mom

[Anonymous]

My mother turned 70 this year and is declining cognitively in what feels like a very rapid way. The challenge is that she's historically always been very secret about things so it's difficult to help her navigate challenges when she doesn't give me the full story on anything-ever.
She also lives alone and doesn't drive.
The most recent challenge I'm having is with dental care. She's always hated going to the dentist and never has received proper cleaning treatments. Whenever she has issues with her teeth, she treats it with orajel until the pain is unbearable and she gets tooth selectively extracted. Recently her mouth got infected and we had to spend thousands on emergency extractions. She'll need dentures and I don't know if Medicare or another senior program can help. She's located in MoCo.
There are many other things that I'm trying to navigate, but I'll start with this one.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you clarify? Are you wanting people to weigh in about the secrecy etc., or is the dental options that you want to hear about? I understand you’re looking for one thing, but not quite sure what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you clarify? Are you wanting people to weigh in about the secrecy etc., or is the dental options that you want to hear about? I understand you’re looking for one thing, but not quite sure what it is.

I guess I am looking for both things. Thank you for asking.

Dental care is the most acute right now.

The other thing is tackling the secrecy so I'm not always in crisis response mode.

[Anonymous]

When you say "we paid" are you saying it was mom's money or you and your husband paid? Does your mom have a lot of savings or do you have a lot of money to throw at this? If so, hire a professional to help manage her care. They are trained to talk to challenging elderly and will have connections to good providers. She may be more willing to have say a nurse or social worker know her secrets rather than her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say "we paid" are you saying it was mom's money or you and your husband paid? Does your mom have a lot of savings or do you have a lot of money to throw at this? If so, hire a professional to help manage her care. They are trained to talk to challenging elderly and will have connections to good providers. She may be more willing to have say a nurse or social worker know her secrets rather than her daughter.

Mom pays some, I pay some. Mom was the victim of elder scamming- also this year and significant amounts lost due to secrecy of what was happening. Neither of us have money to throw at this.

[Anonymous]

70 is very young to be acting so weird. She must have dementia. Hire a care manager it won't get easier otherwise.
74 year old

[Anonymous]

I assume you don't know if she had a cognitive test? Does she have a checkup coming up? You can alert Dr. to your concerns even if she has signed to allow you to speak to the doctor. the doctor just won't call back, but will screen.

If she is deemed cognitively OK she is allowed to make her own decisions no matter how awful. I had this problem. You can let her know your concerns, potential consequences and YOUR BOUNDARIES, but then she gets free will even if it means losing all teeth and not having dentures.

There is no magic solution to secrecy unless you can get her on an anti-anxiety med or something like that.

You need to figure out your own limits with using your money and find out about free services.Perhaps contact council on aging?

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would not worry about dentures right now unless she feels strongly about wanting them. That seems like the least of your issues. I just have to is bad feeling you will spend a bunch of money and she won’t wear them, will lose them, etc.

I would start with seeing if she will let you attend a few doctor’s appointments with her. Her fear of dentists sounds like an anxiety issue and anxiety meds would be helpful (if she would take them).

[Anonymous]

70 is not actually elderly. She has other issues impacting her behavior, or it's personality. I know 70 year olds who are dealing with these things- with their parents. Not themselves.

[Anonymous]

Dentures? Is that still a thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dentures? Is that still a thing?

of course it's still a thing?? hello?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dentures? Is that still a thing?

Oh precious. How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:70 is not actually elderly. She has other issues impacting her behavior, or its personality. I know 70 year olds who are dealing with these things- with their parents. Not themselves.

My dad had advanced dementia by 70 and was non-verbal.

[Anonymous]

Bumping for any other advice

[Anonymous]

Medicare doesn’t cover dental work in general. Medicare advantage plans do have some dental coverage.

https://www.medicare.gov/coverage/dental-services

There are some public dental clinics in MoCo but she would have to meet the income thresholds.

https://www3.montgomerycountymd.gov/311/SolutionView.aspx?SolutionId=1-6JQAI7

But if she is resistant to treatment, I’m not sure she will jump through the hoops to
qualify for a a government dental program.