Why can’t my MIL just be chill?

[Anonymous]

This past week I’ve visited with three of my old friends while back home. Their parents are so fun and chill. We sat around with a bottle of wine by the fire or at the kitchen island, just chit chatting, laughing, talking about nothing. My friends’ husbands seem to fit in perfectly, so much harmony.

Then there’s my MIL, who (even in front of company like this) has to make everything difficult. No matter the person or the occasion (like sipping wine and sharing basic conversation) has to have drama and this awkward cloud hanging overhead. Every topic triggers her somehow. She has strong opinions on everything.

Why is it so hard for her (people like her) to just happily exist? Why must there always be drama? I dream of having a fun, chill MIL who makes it easy to want to be with her. I’m sad I will never have that.

[Anonymous]

This is my mother. It’s exhausting. We are rethinking next Thanksgiving, because the multi day event of the past two years is just too much.

[Anonymous]

This is my mom as well. She has anxiety and control issues. At least once a day she has to say something rude or be offended by something. The other night she flipped out because she wanted my brother to talk to me about going on weight loss meds (I'm a doctor) and he didn't want to discuss it (could tell he was annoyed and clearly she had been bringing it up to him a lot). She then got mad and offended at me for respecting his wishes and not talking about it, even behind his back. Apparently my brother and I were rude and disrespectful to her.

My MIL on the other hand , is awesome.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid like this who was just born this way. I don’t think my DD can help herself. No amount of therapy for her, me or as a family has helped. It’s just a rigid personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This past week I’ve visited with three of my old friends while back home. Their parents are so fun and chill. We sat around with a bottle of wine by the fire or at the kitchen island, just chit chatting, laughing, talking about nothing. My friends’ husbands seem to fit in perfectly, so much harmony.

Then there’s my MIL, who (even in front of company like this) has to make everything difficult. No matter the person or the occasion (like sipping wine and sharing basic conversation) has to have drama and this awkward cloud hanging overhead. Every topic triggers her somehow. She has strong opinions on everything.

Why is it so hard for her (people like her) to just happily exist? Why must there always be drama? I dream of having a fun, chill MIL who makes it easy to want to be with her. I’m sad I will never have that.

I’m always wistful for those easy family relationships too. So fun, warm and just easy. What does your MIL say ? Does she get easily offended? One of my extended family members will get easily offended and then will shut down and sulk the whole day. It really throws me off and makes me anxious.

[Anonymous]

My mother is as such.
Drains the energy out of everything.
Stopped speaking - year two.


Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

My DH's whole immediate family is like this. It's exhausting. We try to visualize that times when his extended family will be there.

I feel like the reason they are like this is different for each person. It's also something if a mystery why DH is not like that when his brother is.

My family is very imperfect but you can relax around them usually. I have three siblings and two of them can be difficult sometimes but if you get them in the right setting it's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH's whole immediate family is like this. It's exhausting. We try to visualize that times when his extended family will be there.

I feel like the reason they are like this is different for each person. It's also something if a mystery why DH is not like that when his brother is.

My family is very imperfect but you can relax around them usually. I have three siblings and two of them can be difficult sometimes but if you get them in the right setting it's ok.

^ visit at times when

[Anonymous]

MIL and FIL are like this and yes it makes me sad. They live nearby and we see them formally and on a schedule.

My mom (who was easy) is gone and my Dad is just distant/disinterested.

I'm happy my kids have warm aunts/uncles/cousins, but sad we don't have a good grandparent situation.

[Anonymous]

MIL has been like this forever - 30 years. Recently diagnosed with dementia and for the first time ever, will calmly and quietly sit and listen to conversations. She’s suddenly a good listener.

She always had to drive the conversation, have center stage, would interrupt and talk about herself nonstop.

I joke that after knowing me for decades she knows very little about me, my family, my career - she truly never asked or if told, never remembered the most basic details - this was she was a presumably young 48. We’ve never had a deep conversation.

[Anonymous]

OMG another MIL bashing thread. C’mon, ladies, we need new material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG another MIL bashing thread. C’mon, ladies, we need new material.

You’re projecting. There is no bashing here.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are my people.

I long for a holiday or birthday party or quite literally any get-together where MIL isn’t offended or pouting or sulking or giving someone the silent treatment. She uses guilt as a means to control people. No one can just converse and enjoy dessert or have a good laugh…the day is spent trying not to tick her off. It’s insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG another MIL bashing thread. C’mon, ladies, we need new material.

So you have a great MIL and can't relate. Its not "material" for us - its our lived experience. If you don't want to discuss it, find a new thread. Just like I don't go to the Infant Forum any longer, I can no longer relate so I skip those posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG another MIL bashing thread. C’mon, ladies, we need new material.

Is it better if it's not just MIL, but MIL, FIL, and one SIL? There is no room for anyone else when any or all of them are present. And the energy level spikes because they're each trying to steer the conversation. I hate it. My family was very similar.

Like OP, I always found it so relaxing and fun to hang out with friends' families. But then I'd feel dejected walking back into my own house.