Keeping the Focus, blocking out the rest...

[Anonymous]

I know it should not bother me, and I already do have things to worry about myself (being in the TTC category, don't we all; but also other matters we all worry about in life ... job security, money, etc), but, there is an unspoken "expectation" that I can't help feeling from my in-laws to have a child. My SIL already has one, and I'm guessing will start on #2 soon, if not already. So, my parents-in-law clearly would be happy to have a grandchild from us, too. We can't see them often, due to far distance, so maybe it makes my said feeling stronger (that there is an expectation of something from us, say after a few months' time have passed between meet-ups with them). My own family has never said anything, and I know is completely supportive in whatever we do (but sure, of course one's own parent would be thrilled to have a grandchild in the family ...) Anyway, I'm probably venting and/or looking to know I'm not alone in how I feel. I guess I'm lucky in that it's been rare to have received direct hints/pressure to have a child (yes, like that always helps!) But, I know the longer it takes us to reach the family stage, and hopefully it can happen for us, comments undoubtedly will come. Doesn't help I am a worrier sort (can you tell??), and have an inability to relax well.

[Anonymous]

You're absolutely not alone. Navigating this can be very, very hard. Sometimes the UNSPOKEN expectations can be even more difficult than the spoken ones. Not that any of us want to hear them spoken, of course. But at least then you can (or DH!) can address the issue in a conversation and ask for more sensititivity. But the unspoken part can be hard, for sure.

Personally, I really liked acupuncture. I found it helped me relax, and there was an added benefit in that I felt I was "doing something" that might help with TTC in addition to helping me stay relaxed. Some insurance plans cover it (usually for certain providers only, so call to check) or provide discounts. Even once a week or twice a month can be helpful.

I've also heard good things about TTC yoga, too -- the idea is you're going straight to your body to relax, not your mind. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

It's good to hear I'm not alone, thanks for sharing, PP. You describe it very well, about how the unspoken can be more difficult to deal with. Of course, I'm putting pressure on myself (again, that helps in no useful way!) with everything. So, to think that others are thinking/expecting/waiting for developments ... Well, anyway, the same story again. I do wish I could just be unaware and completely focus only on what DH and I need/want/etc.

Interesting about the acupuncture and yoga ideas. I'm not doing either, though I am trying to keep some type of exercise regime going. It may not benefit TTC directly, but it should offer health and emotional benefits, too ...

[Anonymous]

Have you considered saying something to them? There are a lot of expectations with my in-laws (father and step-mother IL) since DH is the ONLY Child and ONLY Grandchild on BOTH sides. So you can imagine. DH's grandmother can't say very much since her stroke, but on my first visit with her after we'd only been dating for 3 months she managed to utter the words (loudly) "bring on the babies!" I really think it's the only thing keeping her alive.

The rest of my in-laws are obsessed with babies and my step-mother in law is one of the rude people who walks up to strangers who are pregnant and wants to touch their bellies and know every detail.

Needless to say, the pressure has been on since even before we got married. Truthfully, if we had announced that I was pregnant instead of engaged, his family would have been happier. It's a lot of pressure. Because everyone is so excitable we didn't share the news we were trying since we thought it would happen quickly and we didn't want everyone asking if we'd been successful yet.

After I was diagnosed with PCOS, we decided to say a few private words to DH's parents. We just told them that we had been trying and unfortunately it isn't as easy as we had hoped. We're seeing all the right specialists and hope it works out and if it doesn't we might adopt, but it's a long road and we just wanted to let them know what was going on. We also told them that we're trying to keep our stress levels down and not think about it too much and that if we wanted to share more information in the future we would. (HINT: don't ask us about it)

Everyone's response was really positive and understanding and they've been really respectful of our privacy. It's also good because we had to not go to DH's grandmother's bday weekend because I had to go in and get a sono then trigger, etc... and we were just able to say that I was having a procedure and we were sad to miss it. They said they knew it was way more important for us to stay home. Normally, no one misses a family event like that and it would have been a huge deal if they didn't know why we weren't going.

My family (who I'm really close with) also knows and is also really understanding. I was getting a lot of pressure (even sex tips, eww) from my grandmother.

It has been a big relief because you don't feel like you're hiding anything, you don't feel like you have to be ashamed and the pressure for them is entirely off. We know everyone will be happy when it all works out and they'll understand what we had to go through (a little) to get there. DH and I have a very bad relationship with his mother (previously I was talking about his step-mother) and she lives really far away, we just told her this week after trying for well over a year. Even that worked out well.

So, if you are comfortable with it, you might want to try telling them. Maybe try one person and see how that goes, then move on to the harder people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered saying something to them? There are a lot of expectations with my in-laws (father and step-mother IL) since DH is the ONLY Child and ONLY Grandchild on BOTH sides. So you can imagine. DH's grandmother can't say very much since her stroke, but on my first visit with her after we'd only been dating for 3 months she managed to utter the words (loudly) "bring on the babies!" I really think it's the only thing keeping her alive.

The rest of my in-laws are obsessed with babies and my step-mother in law is one of the rude people who walks up to strangers who are pregnant and wants to touch their bellies and know every detail.

Needless to say, the pressure has been on since even before we got married. Truthfully, if we had announced that I was pregnant instead of engaged, his family would have been happier. It's a lot of pressure. Because everyone is so excitable we didn't share the news we were trying since we thought it would happen quickly and we didn't want everyone asking if we'd been successful yet.

After I was diagnosed with PCOS, we decided to say a few private words to DH's parents. We just told them that we had been trying and unfortunately it isn't as easy as we had hoped. We're seeing all the right specialists and hope it works out and if it doesn't we might adopt, but it's a long road and we just wanted to let them know what was going on. We also told them that we're trying to keep our stress levels down and not think about it too much and that if we wanted to share more information in the future we would. (HINT: don't ask us about it)

Everyone's response was really positive and understanding and they've been really respectful of our privacy. It's also good because we had to not go to DH's grandmother's bday weekend because I had to go in and get a sono then trigger, etc... and we were just able to say that I was having a procedure and we were sad to miss it. They said they knew it was way more important for us to stay home. Normally, no one misses a family event like that and it would have been a huge deal if they didn't know why we weren't going.

My family (who I'm really close with) also knows and is also really understanding. I was getting a lot of pressure (even sex tips, eww) from my grandmother.

It has been a big relief because you don't feel like you're hiding anything, you don't feel like you have to be ashamed and the pressure for them is entirely off. We know everyone will be happy when it all works out and they'll understand what we had to go through (a little) to get there. DH and I have a very bad relationship with his mother (previously I was talking about his step-mother) and she lives really far away, we just told her this week after trying for well over a year. Even that worked out well.

So, if you are comfortable with it, you might want to try telling them. Maybe try one person and see how that goes, then move on to the harder people?

I would say sharing TTC info really depends on your family. We let immediate family know that after three years of infertility, we were doing IVF, and they could not have been less supportive and insensitive. OP, if you have a family like this PP's that does better if they have a little info, definitely tell them some info. But if your family is routinely insensitive (and not just in matter of fertility), it might be best to keep quiet.

PP -Your family sounds awesome (well, except I am not so sure if I could have handled ttc tips from nana with a straight face). Good luck to everyone!

[Anonymous]

23:16 Here - Of course, you know your family better. We were really surprised with all the support we got. He has said to mI also think that when it finally does work, our families will have some concept of all that we have been through to get to that point, or if it doesn't work out, they'll know that we've tried a lot of things and struggled over a long period of time. I think it might be harder on family to have not known you were going through something for years and then respond in such a way that is on par with a 3 year struggle. But if they know a little earlier on and they have time to learn about things and get a feel for what you're going through and be part of the struggle, it might be easier for them to show the right level of support.

I even told my father, who I have a terrible relationship (we only speak by email) and even he was very understanding. We also told my sister in law who has made it clear over and over that she thinks everyone should adopt even if you can have biological children and it is immoral not to do so and that couples who go through lengthy and expensive fertility treatments are terrible people. Even she was warm and supportive. My father in law has always been anti-adopting and I've gotten in arguments with him because he thinks a woman can't be whole until she has experienced carrying and birthing a child. Point is, we were ready to get a lot of negative responses and for everyone to not be supportive based on previous interactions. We were wrong and I'm glad we were wrong and I'm glad we risked telling them. I think if you are prepared for a negative response and okay telling them knowing you might not get a lot of support (but just to get it off your chest and not feel so pressured), you should go for it , because you can only go up from there.

I think it's hard for people to know how to react and even harder if it's something you've been dealing with for years and have undergone lots of procedures, meds, etc... I think if you can clue them in earlier on it is easier on both sides.

Whatever you decide, good luck and you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

9:01 here. Actually, for us they knew we had been through multiple miscarriages, surgeries, and heartache. But we still had lots of comments about our childlessness, etc. Some people ARE just clueless. We told them about IVF, to hopefully signify that, yes, we needed support, and maybe a little bit of space. And it didn't work. I think it really does depend on your family circumstances. We are the oldest kids in our families, and have always been "the adults." We started raising one of my troubled brothers-in-law when he was in high school (he lived with us, we paid all his expenses, and provided him with some much needed love/structure/discipline) and we were in our mid-20s. We took care of my MIL, my mom (both widowed). I think in our case, what it really came down to was that people were upset that we didn't have the time/energy/money to take care of them like we used to.

OP, you know your family best. I have known people who have shared TTC with families, and it's been great (esp. if they've gotten pregnant without a lot of trouble). I have known other people who have had such an annoucement turn into a three ring circus. As they say, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Hopefully, you will be met with support, should you decide to share. But know going in that sharing may have certain risks.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the stories and thoughtful comments and suggestions, ladies. 23:16 -- It's excellent everything could work out for you guys by sharing your updates. My family is actually quite small, so if I told one person I think the "news" would spread quite fast to the other members. I'll have to consider this topic much more before taking action. To be honest, I've not even mentioned my concerns to DH, but I know we will have to talk about it likely very soon. I suspect he's also secretly feeling some pressure, and maybe he's holding it from me so I don't worry more. Well, just a guess...

9:01 -- I'm sorry that your reception to the sharing didn't turn out positively. It is such a difficult period to go through in life, and to not have the understanding and support, well, I can only imagine it just compounds existing stress. I hope since then everything has gone more smoothly for you all.

[Anonymous]

... Sorry, OP here again, I meant to clarify, that by "my family" I should have said my in-laws (though my own family is much smaller; but again, I know I would get the support I need from *my* relatives). I suspect if something was mentioned to one of my in-laws, it wouldn't take very long to spread to other members; the excitement of anticipation would be there, but I predict it also would exaggerate/add to those expectation feelings on their part.