How to know when to press or give up regarding school, grades etc

[Anonymous]

I am really struggling with DD14. She is bright but doesn’t seem internally motivated. ES was easy for her, MS was a bit more challenging and now that she is starting HS she is frequently overwhelmed and falling behind in some classes. This causes stress which makes her fall further behind etc.

I’m not sure I can survive 4 years of constantly being on her about grades, completing assignments, etc. But if I allow her to slack then she will regret it in the future when she can’t get into a decent college.

I am struggling with this plus a full time job plus another child. How do you decide how much to push them vs. taking an “if you fail you’re mostly just hurting yourself” attitude?

[Anonymous]

I’d suggest 2 things - 1 - a tutor, weekly. It could even be a college student. Money well spent to have someone else go through assignments and keep on task.

Second thing - what is the school environment? If private school, public may be easier.

[Anonymous]

Op here. She is getting occasional tutoring in math. Most of the other subjects I’m capable of helping with. The problem seems to be that she just doesn’t want to do the assignments / study! So it can sometimes be like pulling teeth, with lots of complaints and drama. If I could get her motivated then maybe the other issues (with organization and her actual grades) would improve? I’ve been trying the positive reinforcement model so far rather than the dire threat / punishment model.

She is in public, taking a mix of honors and regular classes (no AP).

[Anonymous]

You say she’ll regret it if you stop pushing when she can’t get into a decent college. Are you sure? It sounds like you’re both miserable. What qualifies as a decent college? What happens in college, will you be pushing then or is it ok if she drops out. At what point will you let her make her own decisions?

[Anonymous]

How is she filling her time outside of school?

My teens who are NT and smart, the expectation is school comes first. If things aren’t handled there, no phone is first then scale back social life and finally ECs.

[Anonymous]

I have the same questions, op. I've read "the self driven child," and like a lot of the advice in it, importantly that the long term gains from having kids figure out their own self motivation. But it feels risky to let a smart kid not meet their potential.

I remember the line from that book, "I love you too much to fight about homework" (mentioned in this article by the authors https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2018/09/14/four-reasons-its-dumb-fight-with-your-kids-about-homework/)

In my house it would be a fight fight fight to get my kid to spend more time on something they don't really care about. My goal is to figure out better what they DO care about.

It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all! I should check out that book. To another Pp she does one sport (at school, not a travel sport) and has a standard amount of friendships / time spent socializing. Up to now I have been giving leeway for time with friends since I know how important that is for teens. But I’m thinking I may need to crack down more, maybe forcing her to put her phone etc. away after school until all assignments are done. I think deep down she does want to succeed but just doesn’t handle stress / being overwhelmed very well. So I’ve been erring on the side of “good cop” to try to reduce friction and help her mental health.

Sigh. I remember being stressed about her not napping on a given day!

OP

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she may have ADHD with low task initiation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she may have ADHD with low task initiation.

Interesting, I hadn’t thought of that. She has been diagnosed with generalized anxiety (started during the COVID virtual class era) but I never thought of ADHD. Something to consider!

-OP

[Anonymous]

Freshman year of high school isn't really that hard but I think the no-homework school years in ES and MS are a huge disservice to children. I also think phones are a huge disservice to children, and adults. We haven't gotten rid of phones in our house, for adults or teens, but every evening there's drama when we ask for DC's phone to put it away so he can do school work or anything else.

[Anonymous]

I’m firmly in the “let them fail” camp BUT missing assignments are not ok. Occasionally, sure, but I start asking questions if it’s frequent.

I have also made it clear to my kid that it’s college or a job post high school. Our parental obligation has been fulfilled. Support yes, enabling no.

My ADHD kid just made the honor roll and I’m thrilled so far.