ASD and responsibility-taking for wrongs

[Anonymous]

DS is 12 and has always struggled to take responsibility when he does something wrong. After much frustration, we have finally learned that he intellectually understands that he did something wrong and will probably try to avoid doing it again, but he is unlikely to show responsibility and be comfortable admitting he was wrong. Pushing him on it only leads to worse outcomes.

His school recently noted that they would like to see him take responsibility when called out on things he has done wrong. I agree that this is a skill NT people expect and that it will serve him well in future endeavors, but I also know it is unlikely to be something he'll be able to do in an NT way, and is probably something he isn't quite ready to achieve at this age yet.

I like the idea of them encouraging it but also want to make sure they understand the situation and empathize with the difficulty that is for him. What do you think about how to communicate this to them? Does anyone have resources on this that I could share? I feel like it's a common trend for ASD kids (although certainly not all).

[Anonymous]

I think you put it in writing just like you have here. And he would benefit over time from social skills practice that involves role-playing this kind of scenario.

[Anonymous]

Do you model taking responsibility? Do you overreact to small issues? My DS with ASD is a big apologizer but that’s probably because I always apologize when I’m wrong. No person (kid, adult, NT or ND) is going to react well to being forced to apologize or to take the blame for mistakes that is out of proportion to what actually happened. And sometimes people are harder on kids on the spectrum because they put them more under the microscope.

[Anonymous]

My DS has a deep feelings of shame and embarrassment. Until I understood that, I was worried that he had no conscience. We worked on normalizing making mistakes and talked about mistakes we have made and also made sure to apologize to him clearly when appropriate. Talking about any feelings was very hard for him, but between working on that more at home and in therapy (over years) was more comfortable feeling his feelings and not being so self-conscious and avoidant of admitting and taking accountability for mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you model taking responsibility? Do you overreact to small issues? My DS with ASD is a big apologizer but that’s probably because I always apologize when I’m wrong. No person (kid, adult, NT or ND) is going to react well to being forced to apologize or to take the blame for mistakes that is out of proportion to what actually happened. And sometimes people are harder on kids on the spectrum because they put them more under the microscope.

Not responding to a “small issue” escalates it. Deal with and take responsibility, large or small.

Too often the small issue is lied about, then happens again, is lied about, an argument ensures; the lying and omitting get double downed on, and now it’s a two issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you model taking responsibility? Do you overreact to small issues? My DS with ASD is a big apologizer but that’s probably because I always apologize when I’m wrong. No person (kid, adult, NT or ND) is going to react well to being forced to apologize or to take the blame for mistakes that is out of proportion to what actually happened. And sometimes people are harder on kids on the spectrum because they put them more under the microscope.

Not responding to a “small issue” escalates it. Deal with and take responsibility, large or small.

Too often the small issue is lied about, then happens again, is lied about, an argument ensures; the lying and omitting get double downed on, and now it’s a two issues.

If you bring down the hammer disproportionately then the kid will learn to avoid admitting they are wrong. True for NT and ND kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you model taking responsibility? Do you overreact to small issues? My DS with ASD is a big apologizer but that’s probably because I always apologize when I’m wrong. No person (kid, adult, NT or ND) is going to react well to being forced to apologize or to take the blame for mistakes that is out of proportion to what actually happened. And sometimes people are harder on kids on the spectrum because they put them more under the microscope.

I find posts like this frustrating to read. Many kids with ASD have parents who don't overreact, and who do model taking responsibility. The point of an ASD diagnosis is that you can't simply chalk the kid's behavior up to the parents' behaviors. OP asked for resources to help their DS, not for basic-level parenting advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you model taking responsibility? Do you overreact to small issues? My DS with ASD is a big apologizer but that’s probably because I always apologize when I’m wrong. No person (kid, adult, NT or ND) is going to react well to being forced to apologize or to take the blame for mistakes that is out of proportion to what actually happened. And sometimes people are harder on kids on the spectrum because they put them more under the microscope.

I find posts like this frustrating to read. Many kids with ASD have parents who don't overreact, and who do model taking responsibility. The point of an ASD diagnosis is that you can't simply chalk the kid's behavior up to the parents' behaviors. OP asked for resources to help their DS, not for basic-level parenting advice.

you’d be surprised how many people need basic-level parenting advice.

my exDH freaks out when DS does something small and inadvertent, like spill. you think that teaches accountability? I get paper towels and help him clean up. I don’t think I’ve ever had to tell my kid to apologize - I just always have apologized to him and he picked it up. sometimes not right away but he always does. if you jump down someone’s throat and insist on apologies, that will backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you model taking responsibility? Do you overreact to small issues? My DS with ASD is a big apologizer but that’s probably because I always apologize when I’m wrong. No person (kid, adult, NT or ND) is going to react well to being forced to apologize or to take the blame for mistakes that is out of proportion to what actually happened. And sometimes people are harder on kids on the spectrum because they put them more under the microscope.

I find posts like this frustrating to read. Many kids with ASD have parents who don't overreact, and who do model taking responsibility. The point of an ASD diagnosis is that you can't simply chalk the kid's behavior up to the parents' behaviors. OP asked for resources to help their DS, not for basic-level parenting advice.

you’d be surprised how many people need basic-level parenting advice.

my exDH freaks out when DS does something small and inadvertent, like spill. you think that teaches accountability? I get paper towels and help him clean up. I don’t think I’ve ever had to tell my kid to apologize - I just always have apologized to him and he picked it up. sometimes not right away but he always does. if you jump down someone’s throat and insist on apologies, that will backfire.

Sure. And I realize that parents of kids on the spectrum are more likely to be neuro-divergent and maybe not self-regulate as well as other people. But for parents who have the basics covered, what next? This is the SN Forum, not Tweens and Teens.

[Anonymous]

I don't know about resources, but viewing it this way has helped me to empathize:

When I (nt) apologize, I may feel anxious or uncomfortable. I can also see the positive effect that my apology is having on other people. I can see, by the way the other person reacts, that they appreciate my apology. I get positive feedback from their emotional response.

My kid doesn't pick up on these social cues. I can explain to him how the other person feels and reassure him that apologizing helps the situation, but it's not intuitive for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think I’ve ever had to tell my kid to apologize - I just always have apologized to him and he picked it up.

Some kids will model what they see and some don't or can't. I did not expect to see this take in the SN forum, where that should be understood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you model taking responsibility? Do you overreact to small issues? My DS with ASD is a big apologizer but that’s probably because I always apologize when I’m wrong. No person (kid, adult, NT or ND) is going to react well to being forced to apologize or to take the blame for mistakes that is out of proportion to what actually happened. And sometimes people are harder on kids on the spectrum because they put them more under the microscope.

I find posts like this frustrating to read. Many kids with ASD have parents who don't overreact, and who do model taking responsibility. The point of an ASD diagnosis is that you can't simply chalk the kid's behavior up to the parents' behaviors. OP asked for resources to help their DS, not for basic-level parenting advice.

you’d be surprised how many people need basic-level parenting advice.

my exDH freaks out when DS does something small and inadvertent, like spill. you think that teaches accountability? I get paper towels and help him clean up. I don’t think I’ve ever had to tell my kid to apologize - I just always have apologized to him and he picked it up. sometimes not right away but he always does. if you jump down someone’s throat and insist on apologies, that will backfire.

Sure. And I realize that parents of kids on the spectrum are more likely to be neuro-divergent and maybe not self-regulate as well as other people. But for parents who have the basics covered, what next? This is the SN Forum, not Tweens and Teens.

I mean, it’s really the same thing. You cannot force somebody to feel a certain way. You can’t get mad at them for not feeling sorry. You can’t force them to state they are responsible for an impact that they don’t actually believe they are responsible for. You cannot make their apology look or sound like what you imagine. All you can do is continue to model apologizing, and teach them that people expect apologies even if you don’t feel sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think I’ve ever had to tell my kid to apologize - I just always have apologized to him and he picked it up.

Some kids will model what they see and some don't or can't. I did not expect to see this take in the SN forum, where that should be understood.

Kids on the spectrum can learn from others! I didn’t expect to see a take that they cannot learn at all from others on the SN forum. What do you think social stories, social skills training, etc, are all about?

[Anonymous]

What sort of “wrongs” are you talking about here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you model taking responsibility? Do you overreact to small issues? My DS with ASD is a big apologizer but that’s probably because I always apologize when I’m wrong. No person (kid, adult, NT or ND) is going to react well to being forced to apologize or to take the blame for mistakes that is out of proportion to what actually happened. And sometimes people are harder on kids on the spectrum because they put them more under the microscope.

Not responding to a “small issue” escalates it. Deal with and take responsibility, large or small.

Too often the small issue is lied about, then happens again, is lied about, an argument ensures; the lying and omitting get double downed on, and now it’s a two issues.

If you bring down the hammer disproportionately then the kid will learn to avoid admitting they are wrong. True for NT and ND kids.

You already said that.

Why don’t you give some examples of what to do and say in the moment.

Because if you ignore everything going on at the habits and manners level, you will raise a monster.