I have a chip on my shoulder and can’t get past it.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else feel this way? I have such a chip on my shoulder dealing with how unfair and difficult it is to have a child with a special need. I find myself just resentful of my sister and friends who kids have few if any struggles so far. “You don’t understand” “Life is so easy did you” “If you only knew” “Put yourself in my shoes” “If only our issues were so petty” are just a few of the phrases that run through my head. I’m admitting this on here because I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I know, therapy helps. But at the moment I don’t have the time. Anyone relate? Has anyone managed to be in this position then get past it?

[Anonymous]

I have been struggling with this for years. Therapy is the only thing that has helped.

[Anonymous]

I’ll add that people feel entitled to be rude to me because my child’s HEALTH problems manifest as problematic behaviors. We get zero judgment from people who see what we’ve done to help him recover, but I’ve been talked down to harshly by strangers and acquaintances. Like worse than the girls in middle school. It’s insane. I think they assume that I use gentle parenting and his behavior is the result of that.

[Anonymous]

I was talking about this with my friend a few months ago. I think it's pretty common. Her struggle has been not getting mad about people venting about their own struggles with their kids when they are things that she wishes she was struggling with (tweens backtalking, issues with phones, and typical middle school stuff).

Some of us had kind of cut down on talking about our kids and she confronted us and told us it made her feel worse.

If you have close friends, I'd recommend talking to them. We include her in our vents but we definitely pay attention to how we say it and what we say.

[Anonymous]

I think part of it is learning to accept the feelings. It's going to be something you experience throughout your life, and it hurts and is real. At the same time, it's better to accept the feelings than to feel guilty about them or like you need to fix something to make them go away. Oddly, I actually think accepting them as a normal part of reality for you can help. Sure, I feel sad and jealous about some things, and sometimes it hits me unexpectedly, but I also see many good things and realize it isn't all one of the other. And make sure to spend time with others who understand - other SN parents.

[Anonymous]

I hear you on this!
our therapist said to me “you guys are super parents because you have to be super parents”
So I occasionally picture myself as a superhero living amongst the regular folk, like Clark Kent/Superman. It makes me feel better 😎

[Anonymous]

You don't know how easy someone else's life is from looking on the outside. I had someone tell me that and had zero clue what I was going through as I didn't share it. Empathy goes both ways. I had multiple bad things happen at once, and when they said that, it was well... not good.

[Anonymous]

I have this for sure.

Two things have helped:

Getting off social media. I don’t want to see people living the version of parenthood that I thought I’d have but don’t.

Reading survival stories of extreme hardship. Right now I’m obsessed with stories about mountain climbers on Everest. I would never admit it anywhere else, but honestly it takes some pretty extreme hardship for me to find the narratives relatable.

[Anonymous]

You are also allowed to say, I’m at capacity for negative talk today.

[Anonymous]

You’re allowed to have those feelings! Journaling can be very cathartic.

But also please realize that not everyone has it easy. Yes you have a child with special needs, but you don’t know who’s going through a bad divorce, who is being abused by their spouse, whose kid looks fine on the outside but is plagued by crippling anxiety (like mine) or deeply depressed and not showing it.

It’s easy to compare on the outside but remember that you don’t actually know what people are struggling with. They may be jealous of something you have that’s completely unrelated to parenting, but is something very legitimate.

Definitely label your thoughts, allow them to be there, get therapy if needed, but also try and remember that you really only know the outside of someone’s life.

[Anonymous]

You should definitely tell your sister how you feel! My brother has a non-verbal autistic DD and he let me know that he and SIL were not the audience for small complaints about developmentally normal things my kids were doing. I should have already known but it helped our relationship for me to cut that out.

[Anonymous]

I really, really resent that the elementary years are the best according to all my friends, and we’re spending those years dealing with head injuries that have ruined his personality. It’s hell. My life is hell. And I still don’t talk to anyone as rudely as I’ve been spoken to. It’s crushing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think part of it is learning to accept the feelings. It's going to be something you experience throughout your life, and it hurts and is real. At the same time, it's better to accept the feelings than to feel guilty about them or like you need to fix something to make them go away. Oddly, I actually think accepting them as a normal part of reality for you can help. Sure, I feel sad and jealous about some things, and sometimes it hits me unexpectedly, but I also see many good things and realize it isn't all one of the other. And make sure to spend time with others who understand - other SN parents.

This is good advice. Experience the feelings but don’t dwell on them.

[Anonymous]

The thing is though: You’re RIGHT.

Embrace the chip. Live your life with people who see the chip and respect it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is though: You’re RIGHT.

Embrace the chip. Live your life with people who see the chip and respect it.

You’re right that… what? That your problems are bigger than theirs? We don’t even know what kind of issue the OP’s child has. And she doesn’t know what other people may be going through. It doesn’t seem valuable to compete on whose life is harder. Other people are not reflections on you at all.