MS w/healthy (not-bro-ish) boy culture?

[Anonymous]

I am pretty concerned about tween boy culture and have qualms about sending 5th grade DS to my daughter's public middle school, where boys I've known since K are under a HUGE amount of social pressure to conform to gender norms (much more so than the girls), be edgy/aggressive, etc. (Pretty intense trash talking, constant banter involving misogynist/homophobic/racist language and images, etc.) A number of them have become really withdrawn--it is sad to see.

Are there any schools that include grades 6-8 (HS too w/b a bonus but not a requirement) AND that have a generally positive culture and supports for boys?

I want a place that is proactive about avoiding the corrosive boy culture we've seen about our public, while ALSO affirming boys and providing support for more positive versions of boyhood and masculinity. (Put another way, though I'm strongly drawn to progressive schools, I DON'T want to send him to a place where the vision of boys/men/masculinity is predominantly negative-- I'd prefer a place that holds boys to high standards but also holds them up a bit and helps them become good boys/men.)

[Anonymous]

I think it's not uncommon at progressive schools too. Something about the social pressure of left-leaning schools seems to bring it out as a form of rebellion. The kids just do a better job keeping it under wraps. I'm sorry, it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty concerned about tween boy culture and have qualms about sending 5th grade DS to my daughter's public middle school, where boys I've known since K are under a HUGE amount of social pressure to conform to gender norms (much more so than the girls), be edgy/aggressive, etc. (Pretty intense trash talking, constant banter involving misogynist/homophobic/racist language and images, etc.) A number of them have become really withdrawn--it is sad to see.

Are there any schools that include grades 6-8 (HS too w/b a bonus but not a requirement) AND that have a generally positive culture and supports for boys?

I want a place that is proactive about avoiding the corrosive boy culture we've seen about our public, while ALSO affirming boys and providing support for more positive versions of boyhood and masculinity. (Put another way, though I'm strongly drawn to progressive schools, I DON'T want to send him to a place where the vision of boys/men/masculinity is predominantly negative-- I'd prefer a place that holds boys to high standards but also holds them up a bit and helps them become good boys/men.)

OP we need to know what area you are looking in to help. Also some of what you mention is less school dependent and cohort dependent not to mention age and maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty concerned about tween boy culture and have qualms about sending 5th grade DS to my daughter's public middle school, where boys I've known since K are under a HUGE amount of social pressure to conform to gender norms (much more so than the girls), be edgy/aggressive, etc. (Pretty intense trash talking, constant banter involving misogynist/homophobic/racist language and images, etc.) A number of them have become really withdrawn--it is sad to see.

Are there any schools that include grades 6-8 (HS too w/b a bonus but not a requirement) AND that have a generally positive culture and supports for boys?

I want a place that is proactive about avoiding the corrosive boy culture we've seen about our public, while ALSO affirming boys and providing support for more positive versions of boyhood and masculinity. (Put another way, though I'm strongly drawn to progressive schools, I DON'T want to send him to a place where the vision of boys/men/masculinity is predominantly negative-- I'd prefer a place that holds boys to high standards but also holds them up a bit and helps them become good boys/men.)

OP we need to know what area you are looking in to help. Also some of what you mention is less school dependent and cohort dependent not to mention age and maturity.

OP here - sorry, meant to say we are Chevy Chase MD, could do MoCo or NW DC, or possibly closer parts of VA (Arlington or Fairfax).

I take your point about maturity and realize that MS is the worst--but also know that boys this age are really vulnerable and that digital life is assaulting them with all sorts of toxic stuff, which many of them AREN'T growing out of (see voting behavior of young men rn), so I'd like to find as much counterprogramming as I can...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's not uncommon at progressive schools too. Something about the social pressure of left-leaning schools seems to bring it out as a form of rebellion. The kids just do a better job keeping it under wraps. I'm sorry, it sucks.

This is not just a progressive school thing, believe me. It’s present at conservative and religious schools alike. Some hide it better than others.

The reality is MS is a time of figuring yourself out as well as testing boundaries. Sometimes kids do that by doing things in the completely opposite vain if what they’ve been taught. The greatest counteracting to this is to build up you DS’ confidence and really instill what it means to do what it right even when it seems difficult and you have to stand alone. That and pushing back on inappropriate things. Parents also have to step back and let kids grow thicker skin.

[Anonymous]

If I could find a school like that, we’d be there. It’s pervasive and exhausting and I’m over it. DD is applying out this year to all-girls’ schools after years of hoping it would get better and investigating other co-eds thinking that surely one of them could have figured it out. I am convinced it’s an unfixable cultural problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's not uncommon at progressive schools too. Something about the social pressure of left-leaning schools seems to bring it out as a form of rebellion. The kids just do a better job keeping it under wraps. I'm sorry, it sucks.

This is not just a progressive school thing, believe me. It’s present at conservative and religious schools alike. Some hide it better than others.

The reality is MS is a time of figuring yourself out as well as testing boundaries. Sometimes kids do that by doing things in the completely opposite vain if what they’ve been taught. The greatest counteracting to this is to build up you DS’ confidence and really instill what it means to do what it right even when it seems difficult and you have to stand alone. That and pushing back on inappropriate things. Parents also have to step back and let kids grow thicker skin.

Right, but what's going on with boy culture now is not just 'twas ever thus--and as PP noted, some schools are inadvertently making things worse in the way they are responding, by putting boys on defense.

To your point about "even when it seems difficult and you have to stand alone"--we are expert at this, don't worry. What schools do you think have parents who are more attentive / oriented toward raising upstanders/ethical kids, less likely to want their kid to just take path of least resistance and go with herd?

[Anonymous]

No thoughts for school, but if you're interested in sleep away camp, Kabeyun is great for just that reason. https://kabeyun.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No thoughts for school, but if you're interested in sleep away camp, Kabeyun is great for just that reason. https://kabeyun.org/

OP here - this looks WONDERFUL, thank you so much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I could find a school like that, we’d be there. It’s pervasive and exhausting and I’m over it. DD is applying out this year to all-girls’ schools after years of hoping it would get better and investigating other co-eds thinking that surely one of them could have figured it out. I am convinced it’s an unfixable cultural problem.

OP here - really appreciate your posting this, and wishing your DD the best next year.

[Anonymous]

We just toured Norwood and one of their core values is "how you lead your life matters". I have heard wonderful things about the school...might be worth looking at, OP.

[Anonymous]

If your are in Chevy Chase, then your MS is huge and there are always a number of cohorts. At private, you are subject to whatever happens to makeup that little class of boys — and really you won’t know. I wouldn’t love my kid to private to avoid bro culture at my local MS. And I did move my kid to private for HS but not for that reason. The one thing you can do is not give your kid a phone. Wait until HS. Yes they will be outliers and it will be somewhat different convenient for you but so what? There are worse lessons to learn in life.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if a k-8 would be better than 6-12? PP just mentioned Norwood... Does anyone have any observations re boy culture at Lowell or Sheridan, say?

As for K-12 schools, I know GDS is often mentioned as handling this badly (demonizing masculinity)... Curious about other NW DC progressive schools... How are Sidwell, Maret, Field, Burke on this front?

[Anonymous]

St Anselms stops a lot of toxic masculinity. The school has a strong social service requirement of 150. Hours and an embedded culture of helping others.

It’s not a good school if you want supportive therapy. Catholic Church does not support gay marriage but again not open hostility. I still feel that the school stops toxicity but in a totally different way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's not uncommon at progressive schools too. Something about the social pressure of left-leaning schools seems to bring it out as a form of rebellion. The kids just do a better job keeping it under wraps. I'm sorry, it sucks.

This is not just a progressive school thing, believe me. It’s present at conservative and religious schools alike. Some hide it better than others.

The reality is MS is a time of figuring yourself out as well as testing boundaries. Sometimes kids do that by doing things in the completely opposite vain if what they’ve been taught. The greatest counteracting to this is to build up you DS’ confidence and really instill what it means to do what it right even when it seems difficult and you have to stand alone. That and pushing back on inappropriate things. Parents also have to step back and let kids grow thicker skin.

Right, but what's going on with boy culture now is not just 'twas ever thus--and as PP noted, some schools are inadvertently making things worse in the way they are responding, by putting boys on defense.

To your point about "even when it seems difficult and you have to stand alone"--we are expert at this, don't worry. What schools do you think have parents who are more attentive / oriented toward raising upstanders/ethical kids, less likely to want their kid to just take path of least resistance and go with herd?

K-8 schools are probably going to be best as the kids just stay younger longer. Also not buying them their own phone until 8th or later helps. They just have more time to develop their own self (even if they have access to other devices). I can attest to this from personal experience.