Question About Facebook Request & Old Friends

[Anonymous]

My husband casually mentions today that his old neighbor (from when he was growing up) sent him a message on facebook asking him if they could meet as she is having a tough time with some stuff in her life right now. This is a person her knew 15 plus years ago and has not seen or spoken to since. I asked him if he was going to meet with her and he said no. I am a little taken with the fact someone would contact him out of the blue and want to meet to discuss personal issues she was having, wouldn't she want to discuss these with a girl friend, or someone she actually currently know. What would you feel or think if someone from your husband's past contacted him and "wanted to meet"?

I really need some advice on how to feel about this. It's strange that she sent him a mssg but I feel like if he was up to something he never would have mentioned it to me. Your thoughts? Please walk me through this and tell me what to do and what not to do. FTR he says they were never romantically involved, just friends/neighbors. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I think its weird... but he told you and he is not going to meet, so I guess I would leave it alone for now.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing to really think about or do because he said he wasn't going to meet her.

I think that if a woman is feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed she needs to find a non-married shoulder to cry on.

But he's not going to meet her so at this point it doesn't really matter. What else is there to think about? Just move on.

[Anonymous]

I think it was inappropriate of her. He's a married man and they are not friends anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it was inappropriate of her. He's a married man and they are not friends anymore.

This. An old childhood neighbor of ours did this a few years back. She organized a neighborhood get together, though; she didn't reach out to just one person. I thought it meant kids (and I was really interested in meeting everyone's kids in general and catching up). But it was at a bar, adults only. No interest for me, so I didn't go. Turns out she was hitting on all the men -- none of whom she had ever been involved with either. She filed for divorce a few months later. I think she was both (1) on the prowl; and (2) vulnerable/depressed/overwhelmed. But her approach to handling it was pretty awful.

I felt sorry for her and I feel sorry for your husband's old friend. I wish she could reach out to a therapist instead, and I mean that sincerely. Maybe if he has any facebook contact with her, he could gently suggest that.

[Anonymous]

I don't find anything odd about old friends/neighbors/classmates reaching out via Facebook -- heck, my high school reunion was planned via tracking old classmates down that way. So, I wouldn't be weirded out if a childhood friend friended my DH (in fact, some have).

BUT, I would think it VERY disturbing if she wanted to meet because she had some problem and needed comfort/advice. I mean, if they haven't seen each other in 15+ years, what's going on with her that she doesn't have any current friends or family to realy on. That's where I'd draw the line, and appreciate that DH said no.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I know he said they weren't going to meet but I have such a bad feeling in my gut. Maybe because I know she was up to no good. I trust, for the most part, that they weren't/aren't going to meet but I don't trust that my dh didn't open himself up to her and make it seem like he'd listen to her (maybe not knowing what he was doing). I just am not sure how to proceed. I almost want to say something to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I know he said they weren't going to meet but I have such a bad feeling in my gut. Maybe because I know she was up to no good. I trust, for the most part, that they weren't/aren't going to meet but I don't trust that my dh didn't open himself up to her and make it seem like he'd listen to her (maybe not knowing what he was doing). I just am not sure how to proceed. I almost want to say something to her.

Try not to focus on her too much. She really is incidental to your marriage. Your husband is the important person here. Maybe he was a little friendly to her on Facebook. That's not horrible in itself. I love chatting it up briefly with very old friends, and then the correspondence dies its natural death. Perhaps he did that, but she latched on because she's in a bad place right now.

And he told you about what's going on. From what you've written, I don't see anything bad or wrong in his actions at all. It might have been a good lesson for him if he "did" get too chummy -- people may not always be how you remember them, proceed with caution.

Talk to him about how uncomfortable it's making you feel and see where it goes from there. Don't blame him for anything, just try to start a discussion about the incident and let him know you feel vulnerable. See what he says.

[Anonymous]

My first thought was that she had something to tell him about their past, that she had to unburden herself of some private issue, ie. his dad had an affair with her mom, or some mutual neighbor abused her and did he know if anything like that happened to anyone else.

[Anonymous]

My first thought it that she's selling Amway and is looking to expand her network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I know he said they weren't going to meet but I have such a bad feeling in my gut. Maybe because I know she was up to no good. I trust, for the most part, that they weren't/aren't going to meet but I don't trust that my dh didn't open himself up to her and make it seem like he'd listen to her (maybe not knowing what he was doing). I just am not sure how to proceed. I almost want to say something to her.

I wouldn't worry about it. FB is so weird, it might have been a miscommunication. If your old neighbor is single, she might not have realized her request was inappropriate. And your DH told you about it and said he wouldn't go. (I would ask him periodically if she contacted him again though, to keep tabs.)

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the good advice. I just can't help but feel a little off about this, like some alarm is going off. I'm not able to put my finger on it but I don't feel secure about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first thought it that she's selling Amway and is looking to expand her network.

Yep, this. Or that she want to proselytize, or that she wants to ask for money. The "having a tough time" bit is a hook, getting him to meet her out of pity. No one who is really having a tough time goes looking for people they haven't talked to in over a decade in order to unload on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the good advice. I just can't help but feel a little off about this, like some alarm is going off. I'm not able to put my finger on it but I don't feel secure about this.

It's good your alarm went off. But I'm not sure what more you want. Your husband is handling it correctly, he said no and he let you know about the contact. If it is still bothering you, you should explore why it is still an issue. Is there something going on in your marriage and you're not feeling connected to your husband? What more would you like your husband to do to reassure you?

[aprilmayjune]

I agree with the PP that said yes, you have good reason to be alarmed, however, I don't think that there's really any point in worrying about it further. You know about it, so he's not hiding her contact, and he said he's not going to persue meeting up with her... So I really think that you should be thankful that you have a trustworthy, and faithful husband, and I would leave it at that.. Chances are, if he ignores the request, she won't contact him again..