when your friends kids come over and they act like little monsters

[Anonymous]

When your friends kids come over and they act like little monsters, do you judge the parents, or pity them?

One kid comes over and the mom lets the kid stay all day, so I think she knows what's up

[Anonymous]

friends' kids / kids' friends, whichever

[Anonymous]

Thankfully kids are now older but when kids were younger we had this issue a lot with DS’s friends. I was friends with their moms so I think I was able to pardon more of the not so great behavior, but we did move to mostly playdates outside or at a venue like trampoline park. Our house is small so if a kid was a terror it was very very hard to avoid. As to whether the moms knew—I’ve learned that a lot of people live in wild denial when it comes to their kids so just really depends. The stay all day kid could be a situation where mom knows and she happy to outsource care OR she’s just not bothered by the behavior/has a lot more tolerance for chaos. We have friends like that. Always have a group of kids running through their house and they are legitimately fine with it. I could not handle that and DS is very chill so I am not used to that level of insanity.

[Anonymous]

? No, the mothers are on top of the shenanigans, and if it's a drop-off, I parent all of them the way I parent my kids: house rules need to be obeyed or else they don't come back. I had a kid try to rappel down the banisters (which are fragile and couldn't take his weight), and a kid rushing around my crystal chandelier swinging a baseball bat. Both got dealt with.

[Anonymous]

We had one kid over for a playdate who had impulse issues, was a liar, etc.

I told my 1st grade kid there was one non-negotiable. The door to the master bedroom was to remain closed and off-limits. It was messy and there were grownup things I didn't want the child to have access to (coin tray, paperwork, etc.).

Within the first hour, I caught my son and his friend running through the room on their way into the master bath for no good reason. Those two spaces are self-contained and didn't need to be visited by the kids.

That was it for playdates with that kid at our house.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the age and if the being a monster is age appropriate. Kids aren’t always calm well behaved little saints. And especially playing with others can draw out age appropriate issues and conflict. But if a 7 year old still has the issues of a 5 year old or a 5 year old still has the issues of a 3 year old, I’d assume there were some developmental delays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:? No, the mothers are on top of the shenanigans, and if it's a drop-off, I parent all of them the way I parent my kids: house rules need to be obeyed or else they don't come back. I had a kid try to rappel down the banisters (which are fragile and couldn't take his weight), and a kid rushing around my crystal chandelier swinging a baseball bat. Both got dealt with.

+1
Their parents are not there so the only one you can judge is yourself! They will all improve by leaps and bounds with age. Some of the best behaved kids in middle school were couch jumping, closet snooping, pantry raiding, mess makers when they came over for the first play dates.

Some exceptions were too much and my own kids didn't want them back. I didn't judge their parents as much as learn that some kids who present as well behaved are more sneaky and fearless about doing wrong.

[Anonymous]

I take this as an opportunity to teach these kids some manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had one kid over for a playdate who had impulse issues, was a liar, etc.

I told my 1st grade kid there was one non-negotiable. The door to the master bedroom was to remain closed and off-limits. It was messy and there were grownup things I didn't want the child to have access to (coin tray, paperwork, etc.).

Within the first hour, I caught my son and his friend running through the room on their way into the master bath for no good reason. Those two spaces are self-contained and didn't need to be visited by the kids.

That was it for playdates with that kid at our house.

So you blamed the other child and not yours

[Anonymous]

My older kids are now teens. I have a friend whose kids were very poorly behaved and the parents seemed to let them be. The parents are very nice, smart and have a lot of friends. The kids who were monsters at age 2-7 are not always monsters at age 15. I avoided them and stopped inviting them over before Covid because of the monster kids. I had heard from some other mutual friends that other parents also thought their kids were bad. They seemed to have turned out to be great teens.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. I have kids ages 7-15. If they have a friend, not a family friend, who misbehaves or is a bad guest, we don’t invite them again. I emphasize to my kids that they should be polite and behave well at others’ homes.

My 13yo had a close friend who would make a giant mess in our kitchen, raid our fridge and pantry, start cooking, take out appliances, stain our carpet, chairs, etc. I wondered if he behaved this way at his house. I’m not sure if he is just rude, has some sort of mild disorder or what. I don’t want him at our house.

[Anonymous]

I call the behavior out. If the parents are present and are not intervening, I ask them to make their kids stop. If they don't do it, I shut down the visit at home and tell everyone that the visit will continue at the outdoors park.

The parents are permissive and they lack the desire to discipline their kids.

If the parents are not present, I stop the visit and wait for the parents to pick up the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had one kid over for a playdate who had impulse issues, was a liar, etc.

I told my 1st grade kid there was one non-negotiable. The door to the master bedroom was to remain closed and off-limits. It was messy and there were grownup things I didn't want the child to have access to (coin tray, paperwork, etc.).

Within the first hour, I caught my son and his friend running through the room on their way into the master bath for no good reason. Those two spaces are self-contained and didn't need to be visited by the kids.

That was it for playdates with that kid at our house.

So you blamed the other child and not yours

It was clearly led by the other child. I heard who was in the lead running across the floor from voices. And I saw who was in front running when I immediately went upstairs after them and caught them going into the bathroom. He just busted through a closed door because he had no manners and no restraint.

A year later, this kid, for no reason, while in art class at school, quickly grabbed the front of my child's shirt and used scissors to cut off the gathered fabric. Made a 1.5" hole in the shirt.

This kid in kindergarten also told my kid he was dying of stomach cancer. And my kid believed this sustained lie and was terribly sorry for him. It turned out a household pet was sick and the kid decided to appropriate the story.

I really had no sympathy for this kid.

My kid's punishment was no more playdates at our house with this kid. So he did "get blamed" or "experience consequences" depending on how you frame it.

They were in aftercare together so it's not like there was a ban on seeing each other.

[Anonymous]

Judge or pity? Those are the only options you have OP? I pity those who have to deal with you.

When kids come over I tell them the house rules and I keep an appropriately close eye depending on age and newness of the friend.

Twice in 20+ years of parenting have I had anyone act out to the point I needed to really do anything out of the ordinary. I called the moms and said, “hey kids have been having a great time, but I can’t get Larlo to stop climbing the tall furniture. Would you like to talk to him or do you think it’s time to pick him up?”

[Anonymous]

Weekends and free time is precious for the kids and parents. I don’t judge other parents or kids, but I only invite easy kids over to our house. Friends my kids loved enough to beg for play dates with but were difficult, I took to the park. Even then, one child ran away, and I had to look for the child with two other kids in tow. Last time we ever invited that child. Might grow up to be a great kid, but that doesn’t mean I need to spend my weekends with the added stress of watching him.

My own friends’ kids, I don’t mind as much. My friends are a breath of fresh air, and if some of their kids are wild, as a crew they make up for it in other ways.